A Girl Jesus Set Free.

iPad Drama : )

2012-02-15T16:41:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, several months back my awesome brother-in-law Richard...

bought me an iPad!!!

Yes Richard, I had to steal your only Facebook photo.

Well, a few months ago my eldest son Joey may or ~~may not have~~...dropped said iPad thus breaking the sound button.

This made Joey very sad.

Well, Randy, my beloved husband can fix anything right?!? I mean he can build a whole house from start to finish! He can fix bikes, plumbing and gates that hang wrong! Surely, he can fix an iPad button! He took his trusty screw driver to fix the button and....

Oopsi! He cracked the iPad screen!

Now, my photo isn't available from when this happened. Who even remembers what I said exactly? There's rumor that I crumbled up the pie crust I was working on, chunked it in the kitchen sink and went out for a breather, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't sound like me! Don't you agree? I probably....

said something dainty like, "Oh sweetheart, thanks for giving it a try! You're so loved and appreciated."

Well, to fix the iPad screen by a place in town was quoted at $160. That wasn't going to happen anytime soon. The iPad was put on a high shelf while we waited on the $160 fairy to drop by the house. A couple of weeks went by and we were still waiting so I took it off the high shelf and began to play with it. I figured out that it was still useable if you didn't mind a tiny piece of glass in your finger every once in a while.

I didn't let the kids play with it since I wanted to protect their delicate fingers from the glass! It wasn't all bad having the screen cracked. I actually got a lot more play time with the iPad because I didn't have to share it with all the little people. (Glass half full kind of girl!)

Anywho...

One day Randy is looking on eBay and finds a Do It Yourself Kit to replace the iPad screen.

Um....how do I put this nicely?

NNNoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Randy decided to look on Youtube to find an instructional video on replacing the screen (laymen's term) Digitizer (professional term.) He found a video...

Digitizer Replacement Video

Now, I was sitting next to him while he watched the 14 minute video. All I could hear over and over again was, "Watch out! Make sure you don't break the blah blah blah."

All he heard was, "Oh yeah, I could fix it!"

He bought the kit off eBay for $46 (including shipping) from Hong Kong and a couple of weeks later this arrived...

Yes, that's a photo of a tiny baby suction cup.

He sat down at the kitchen table THAT HE BUILT FROM A TREE IN OUR YARD...

and He Fixed it!!!

Now I can get back to playing mindless games on the iPad with sound! Yeah, he fixed the sound button too!

After he was done I mentioned to him that he could totally do this sort of thing as a side business! iPad and iPhone screens crack all the time! He saved us a ton of money! He just gave me "the look." That business isn't going to happen...BUT if it ever does...I'm going to have a Side Side Business by placing one of these babies in his iPad screen fixing shop!

I would make some bank!

End of the story? Not quite yet.

I told the kids they couldn't play with the iPad again until we saved enough money to buy an Otter Box for the iPad.

We are well on our way! : )

(Picture taken today with iPad!)

Exciting!

2012-02-03T14:43:00.001-06:00

Ok Everyone...Lay Hands on this application and pray with me!

I'm about to fill out an application for Cornerstone Christian School to teach KINDERGARTEN in the fall! I'm so excited! For those that have known me for a long time you know that it's been my heart's desire to teach this class! The current teacher, and one of my amazing mentors is retiring this year. She's been telling me for years that she hopes I will be her replacement. I do too!

I love the age of the kids in Pre-K and Kindergarten. They are so teachable. They love their teachers and learning new things. They love singing songs and being silly. Maybe that's why I feel so at home with them. : ) I've subbed in that class for years and I've also been a teacher's aide part time. I've worked with kids for money and I've worked for free and either way it brings me great joy. I just feel good when I'm in that setting. I love encouraging the kids to do well. I love teaching them new things. I love hearing their funny stories and their take on things. I love how full of faith and love they are. Several times while being a teacher's aide I caught myself thinking, "I could easily do this for the rest of my life." It just feels like a perfect fit.

For the last 14 years I've been at home with my own precious babies. I'm so thankful I was able to stay at home with them. The Lord has been so faithful to us financially to help us raise 5 children on a one person income. It's funny, I think about over the years, having 5 children in 6 years and having them running all over the house. It was a sweet time in those early years. Not everyday was smooth sailing, but most days were filled with giggles, games and giant messes. I wouldn't trade those times! Then we moved into small school age children, reading books and lots of crafty stuff. Next up was 4 of the kids in school while I stayed at home with Miles. Those days were filled with doctor visits, lunch dates and lots of snuggling. Now, it's a new season for all of us, but especially me.

I had a couple of tiny jobs before I had kids while I was in college, but for the most part I've never had a real job. I watered plants for a flower shop. I was a nail technician for a little while when Randy and I were first married. My first job was selling the newspaper over the phone. (I wasn't so great at that.) I've volunteered a lot though at the kid's school over the years and also in children's church.

My lack of job experience seemed like a "Goliath" to me until I realized that if I'm supposed to get the job then none of the rest will even matter. God will put me exactly where He wants me! I have no doubt about that. I totally trust Him to give me the job or to totally prevent me from getting it if He has other plans for me! That's what is so exciting to me! I know that I will either be teaching Kindergarten next year which has been a huge dream and goal of mine OR He has something else beautiful in store for me. I don't feel any pressure about it at all.

I do have one precious thought that keeps coming to mind though...Isn't it just like the Lord to give me lots and lots of children over the next several years to replace the one beautiful child I lost? I don't really mean replace, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I didn't plan on writing all that. I'm just excited. I've been subbing the last 3 weeks in the Pre-K class. During that time there's been a lot of talk lately about the possibility of me being the Kindergarten teacher next year and it has been a great excitement for me. It's been healing to have something to look forward to after these last several months of deep mourning.

Joy instead of mourning.
Beauty for ashes.
Praise instead of despair.
(That's what the thought of teaching does for my soul.)

So, dear sweet friends of mine...will you pray for me? Will you agree with me that if I'm supposed to be the new Kindergarten teacher for Cornerstone Christian School next year, that I WILL BE?

JOY

2012-01-31T14:18:00.000-06:00

God has bound my broken heart. He has proclaimed freedom for this captive. He has released me from darkness. God has comforted me as I've mourned. He's giving me beauty for ashes and joy instead of mourning. God has given me the ability to praise instead of despair. I will be called an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

I'm not saying that everyday is perfect. It's not. I still cry often and miss Miles. I'm still struggling with bad dreams at night where I dig Miles up from the ground and try to keep him alive. I still have "off" days. However, in the last month Isaiah 61:1-4 has been true in my life. Hope for a future is being restored in me. I'm enjoying my day to day more. I'm excited about current things and things to come. I can breathe deeper and see clearer.

I've always been a "happy-go-lucky" or "glass half full" kind of girl. I've always been joyful. Until recently though I never knew what a beautiful gift JOY really is. I just always had it. Even when things were really rough growing up I still had joy. I took it for granted. I've always heard the verse about the joy of the Lord being our strength, but again, I took it for granted. I don't ever want to take that beautiful gift of JOY for granted again. Philippians 4:4 says, "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice!"

That is one amazing lesson I learned from Miles. That kid was either asleep or full of joy. He had no in between. What a marvelous way to live! Asleep or Joyfull! Even though Miles never did say a word or even take one little step on his own two feet...in many ways he had it all figured out.

Here he's managing to be both asleep and joyful at the same time. : )

Overachiever!

Jocie's 10th Birthday!!!!

2012-01-23T17:17:00.002-06:00

Today is my beautiful Jocie's 10th Birthday! I can hardly believe she's 10. She still seems like such a little girl to me. She has the sweetest spirit. I'm so thankful for that. This afternoon she wrote a letter to God and she shared it with me. I just had to share it with you. It's a peek into her gentle and loving soul.

Dear God,
Thank you for being here for me and for my family in our hard times. We wouldn't be here without you God. It's been hard ever since Miles died and you've cheered us up. My best friend Larissa just left school and now I'm the only girl in my class. We're going to Fountaingate Fellowship and my friend goes to church there. I like going there but its hard because I miss Grace Point. My family can eat out once a week because of our budget. I'm liking it because we've tried different things like country grits and sausage casserole. I love you God and I should start talking to you more often.
Love, Jocie

Thank you Lord for my precious Jocie girl!

Good Grief Group Charlie Brown

2012-01-16T21:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight I went to the first of 8 classes at Beltway for people dealing with the death of a loved one.

Man, who thought, "Let's get a bunch of depressed people together, talk about extremely depressing things and people will feel better?"

I met a couple that lost their son the same month as I lost Miles. It's a strange feeling. I was sitting by two people that actually Know what I've been dealing with and feeling. I wanted to push pause on the meeting, forget all social norms about sharing intimate details with strangers, and really talk about how incredibly hard it is to lose a child.

I had the sensation of what I think it must feel like for a person in a foreign land to run into someone from their hometown. I wanted to go over details and cry with them and for them. I wanted to find out how they have made it so far and find out what areas they really aren't making it. Yes, there were other people in the room, and some of them even had lost their child, but I think I was drawn to them since it's been the exact amount of time passed since our sons have died.

The mom did give me her number. I doubt I will call her. Still, it was nice of her to give it to me.

I'm glad I went even though it was sort of torturous. Almost as soon as I got there my throat closed up. The whole time it felt like if I opened my mouth and dared to speak Miles's name that I would begin to cry and not be able to stop. Several times I pictured myself getting up and running to the car. I wanted to escape, yet I also wanted to stay.

Today they talked about the 5 stages of Grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I'm stuck momentarily at the Depression stage. Recently, I have had moments of feeling like myself. That makes me hopeful. I'm still not there though. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard because who in the world enjoys feeling so miserable all the time? I don't. It's frustrating to want to live life, but feel like you're stuck and not able to move forward.

I plan on going through the rest of the sessions. I feel like it's at least something I can do to try and feel better. Also, I will hopefully be able to get to know some people that truly understand how I'm feeling. Plus, what else is there to do on Monday nights?

For King & Country Busted Heart LYRICS

2012-01-13T10:18:00.000-06:00

5 Months

2011-10-21T16:50:00.001-05:00

5 Months

Today makes 5 months since Miles died.

5 months.

5 really long, sad and draining months.

This process of grieving really sucks. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I'm convinced that it's not always going to be this hard. I don't know when things will begin to feel better, but I do have confidence that the rest of my life will not feel this dark.

I miss Miles, and I miss Me. I miss feeling like me.

Mourning

2011-10-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

My life is poured out like water,

and all of my bones are out of joint.

My heart is like wax,

melting within me.

My strength has dried up like

sunbaked clay.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my

mouth.

You have laid me in the dust

and left me for dead.

Psalm 22:14-15

Middle School Dance

2011-10-01T19:21:00.000-05:00

Randy and I were asked to be chaperones for the Fun Night at the boy's middle school. We agreed to do it. The Fun Night has all kinds of games to play, food to eat and basketball. It also has a Dance, and lucky us...we were asked to chaperone the dance. The PTA lady said, "Would you mind doing the dance? No one ever wants to the dance! It's really loud in there and you have to make sure the kids aren't dancing too close and all that." We told her that we would do it.

Well, here's the summary of the evening:

I got to break up a cat fight in the girls bathroom.
A girl had an actual seizure. Randy had to carry her out and wait for help to arrive.
We had to break up major girl on girl nasty dancing.

and last but totally not least...

Later one of the girl dancers we broke up came up to Randy and told him that he sucks balls.

So....obviously the night Rocked Our Faces Off!

It's almost his birthday.

2011-09-28T17:23:00.000-05:00

Next Wednesday would be Miles's birthday. He would turn 7.

I've thought that no less than 30 times today and yesterday and Saturday.

The thought of him not being here to celebrate his life takes my own breath away.

How am I going to get through that day?

We won't be able to give him Cotton Candy, which is the only thing we could give him because it would just dissolve on his tongue. He won't be here to take to the zoo. I usually used his birthday money from his aunt and uncle to buy a yearly zoo pass and then we would take him to the zoo. He loved being pushed around in his wheelchair outside. He won't be here to get all these kisses and hugs we have stored up for him.

It's not getting easier to be without him.

Is it possible that it's getting harder?

I'm walking around and going about my day, but it feels like my heart is aching with such intensity that I'm surprised other people can't feel it. It's so strong in me that it seems like it should be contagious.

How is it possible that all the days I have left on earth will be without that sweet face to kiss? It will be without his perfect curly hair and his innocent spirit.

4 Months

2011-09-21T18:49:00.002-05:00

4 Months.

It's been 4 Months since Miles died.

Here are some quotes that Inspire Me a little to keep going

or quotes that bring some Truth to my situation.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...

Pearl Street

2011-09-20T15:25:00.001-05:00

(Photo from Silvia Pettem's book called "Positively Pearl Street."

This morning I got to go window shopping in downtown Boulder, Colorado on Pearl St.

In the evenings, especially the weekends it's usually packed with people and street entertainers. This morning it was mainly locals. Pearl Street is a great mix of Hippies, Yuppies, Homeless, Tourists and Weirdos. There's lots of coffee shops and bookstores. There's art galleries and neat places to shop. Bars, clothing shops, lots of places to eat. They have shops where you could buy trinkets and places where something could cost you a month's salary.

I couldn't find the Hotel Boulderado to snap a picture, but I did find this little plaque that talked about the hotel. Several years ago Miss Melody was made here. : )

Shopping and Mountains.

Pearl Street is a fun place to shop, eat and people watch...and make Melody's.

2011-09-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

Ugh, bad dreams.

I dream about Miles almost every night. The dreams usually have the same theme, but alter a little bit.

Several times I've dreamt that we forgot to bury Miles. I've dreamt that I went to the cemetery and unburied him because I felt like he was still alive. One time I dreamt that I had him back for a minute, but then he died again. Recently I had a dream that he was healed, but then he died. Last night I dreamt that I knew Miles had died, but I never did bury him and we just kept carrying him around in the wheelchair and acting like he was still alive.

The dreams are not uplifting. They aren't as devastating as they were at first, but at this point I'm dreading going to sleep and having another dream about him being buried or not.

I Miss Him.

Lunch Time in Boulder

2011-09-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

This afternoon my sister-in-law and I went to lunch in Downtown Boulder at a place called Mediterranean Restaurant . The place was really nice and totally not like any place I had been to before. The "thing to do there" is to order a bunch of small appetizers and then share them with everyone on the table. Each of the appetizers were about 3 bites of something. Now, normally when I think of restaurant appetizers I think of cheese sticks or something else fried. That's not the case here. These foods were so exotic (to me) that after looking over the menu for a minute I asked if she would just pick out what to order. I felt adventurous enough to try new things, but I also knew that I could have a turkey sandwich at home if I didn't like the food.

I put a link to the lunch menu, but this is what we shared for lunch:

DATILES- Bacon wrapped dates with parsley garlic sauce
PINCHON MORUNO- Lamb brochette, calabrain chili mustard & sliced cucumbers
CAPRESE- Fresh mozzarella, tomato basil
FALAFEL- Chickpea croquette & tahini
POLENTA- Crispy Polenta, Avalanche Cheese Co. Midnight Blue Cheese & sherry black pepper honey
PROSCIUTTO & MELON- Sliced prosciutto, shaved cantaloupe melon, aged balsamic vinegar & parmesan blend

Whew! Even my spell check doesn't know what a lot of those things are! I'm serious! I think I ate at least 30 ingredients today that I've never eaten before in my whole life!!! First of all I've never had lamb before. I really liked it. It was a little hard to get out of my head that it was lamb, but the flavor was amazing. The chickpea croquettes were delicious and curious. My favorite was the polenta. It was strange. At first bite the polenta was sweet and then it had a savory texture and flavor and then it left you with a spicy taste in your mouth. It was so delicious.

This place had a one page front and back menu for the food, but it had a four page front and back menu for the wine and beer. I should have had a glass of wine...I'm still kicking myself over it. However, I had to drive home from Boulder so I didn't want to take any risks, but really, one glass of wine would have been fine. Dang It! I was going to put a link to the wine list, but they just have a downloadable version...I guess because it's so dang long!

Part of me wants to tell you that the place was Uh-Maz-Ing, and part of my wants to tell you it's WEIRD. I enjoyed the environment, and of course the company. I really enjoyed trying new things without saying, "Ew, that's yucky!" The food was great, but also confusing to my mouth with all the new things going on. I would totally recommend going though. It's a gorgeous restaurant with foods that you don't get to eat everyday. Or in my case...ever. (Until today)

A Little Shopping Today

2011-09-14T16:46:00.000-05:00

I went to a charming little shop this morning. ~~I asked permission~~ I snuck around and snapped some photos of some of my favorite things in the place.

The shop was in...

The name of the store is JACQUE MICHELLE.

If an orange bicycle with a basket full of stuffed animals is in the window then it's pretty much a guarantee that I will like the place.

My first sneaky photo was of this precious Owl. I heart Owls. (Not the actual Owl animal, but anything decorative or crafty in the way of Owls.)

Also, I love these kinds of bird decorations. They've grown on me.

This is why I wanted to start taking pictures in the first place! This picture frame is made from all sorts of old keyboard keys. Later I'm going to post this picture on Pintrest. I just love this frame. It would be fun to make and pretty easy to get a hold of old keyboards at garage sales and Goodwill...or even our storage building.

Aprons...you know I love aprons. I like to get ideas for new designs when I see them.

Oh my goodness I Love these hats! Someone locally makes them. They have a crazy price of $75 each. I don't love them that much! It was a perfectly overcast and cool day to purchase such a lovely hat. It makes me want to learn to knit, but I'm not really actively looking for another hobby right now.

They had lots of unique journals. One of my very favorite things on the planet is stationery products!

Then my last little fav. from the store is this Awesome Record Cutting Board! How adorable is this?

Love Love Love it!

Anyway, I just wanted to share a little Colorado shopping with you today.

The shopkeeper was ~~delighted~~ clueless at my picture taking.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind a little free advertising though.

Our New Kitchen!

2011-09-07T17:54:00.001-05:00

Over the Labor Day weekend Randy and I with a lot of help from the kids redecorated our kitchen. While on our wonderful vacation this summer I had the idea of re-doing our kitchen using Vintage Board Games. I spent one whole evening drooling over old board games on eBay. The problem was that they were so dang expensive on there. Even if the games were cheap it was going to be around $10 to ship them. I was slightly bummed until I had the brilliant idea of checking at Goodwill for used games. I spent about a month checking out Goodwill for board games. I found plenty of them! The amazing thing was how cheap they were! It was so fun shopping for them because not one of the games were over $2. Heck, most of them weren't even a dollar. I bought one of them for only 10 cents! I also went to a garage sale and bought several for next to nothing. I'm actually going to miss buying the games because it was so exciting to buy something so cool for so cheap!

This was a super fun project. It is so cheerful in my kitchen/dining room now. It just feels happy in there. This was my idea and I did help with getting it done...However, it was my husband who deserves a lot of credit on this project! Without him (and all his awesome tools) this kitchen could have come out really cheesy. Randy worked really hard for 2 days, used his tools and a lot of work scraps to make our kitchen come out as cool as it did. That guy has such a great eye for things. He came up with some awesome ways to display things. Basically anything that looks really cool or expensive Randy thought up and made out of nothing. We love doing projects like this together. We feed off each other's creativity.

This was the first idea that Randy came up with..We bought several Trivial Pursuit games then Randy cut them up into fourths and made a tile design on the wall. This was the first thing we did in the kitchen. I knew we were onto something special after this was done!

Randy made this awesome Clue display. He ripped down a 2x4 and stained it. It looks so good in person. I made a changeable picture frame out of a Scrabble board. I also put the Community Chest and Chance cards on shelf that I already had in there. Randy made that little box on the shelf. He made it from a Chutes and Ladders game board. I found that idea on Pinterest. Then I filled the jars with the leftover games pieces.

I love how this Clue board came out. I love that the box is with it.

I love this stack of shelves. I think it looks so much better in person.

I painted this little shadow box and filled it with pieces from different games.

We bought this shelf from Salvation Army. It's a shelf and a chalkboard. Melody and I played tic-tac-toe on it.

Jocie made this dice. It was a little wooden box. She painted it white and then I cut out the dots using the Cricket. We glued the dots on together to make it look like a dice.

This right here is my baby! Spencer set up the game Just Like It Is Here. He put all the pieces out and had a whole idea of how the games was being played. He wanted it to look like we had just been playing. I glued everything down. While I was doing that Randy made a frame to go around it. After he was done I spent the next hour or so gluing money, community chest, chance and property cards to it. It took so long, but the results were worth it. I love it!

This is a cheesy game I found. It's called HANGMAN. We made it where we can still change out the tiles to say different things.

I'm not sure how these two pictures fused together. This Operation game is just like the one I had when I was a kid.

Here's a blurry picture of Joey as he jumped in front of my iPad...on purpose. Why does he always think this is funny? : )

Here's the awesome Star Wars game that the boys donated to the cause. This game actually came with a VHS to play along with.

Above my sink I have the game Girl Talk. I had this game as a Pre-Teen. It's a truth or dare game. It's also tells your future. I kept asking Randy and the boys questions from the game. We were cracking up. Apparently Randy will be meeting the Boy of his Dreams any day now.

This is a cute game called Head of the Class. Randy cut out part of the box and I glued it to the board.

This Peanut Butter and Jelly game is one of our favorites in the kitchen. It came out so dang cute!

I really like how Randy mounted this game partially on the ceiling.

I took this shadow box and filled it with all kinds of trivia cards. This was the last thing we added to the kitchen. It's right next to the UNGAME! Have you ever heard of this game? Dr. Dobson promotes this game. It's a "Game of Feelings." Our kids Love to Hate this game.

I like these boards Randy put on the divider wall. He had to cut them down a little bit to make them fit.

This Pin the Tail on the Donkey was something that Spencer found. We bought it for 10 cents! The box is really cool. It's called Donkey Party.

One more last look at the kitchen from the door way.

Fun Fun Fun!

I love it!

It Makes Me Happy.

Oh Yeah...I Made This

2011-09-03T22:12:00.002-05:00

Look What I Made Today!!!

We are decorating our kitchen in vintage board games. (Pictures to follow as soon as we get the project done.) I saw this idea on Pinterest. I think it came out so cute.

Cemetary

2011-09-01T12:59:00.001-05:00

I went to the cemetery again today. When I'm driving there I'm always asking myself why I'm going. Honestly, I feel Miles closer when I'm at the house than I do at the cemetery. But sometimes, the ache inside me is so deep that I have to go physically be near at least a part of him.
Today I took a water bottle and a rag so I could clean his headstone because last time I was there it looked dusty. (I also cleaned the headstone above his which is Randy's Dads, but it's much older and didn't come as clean.)

What do I do when I go to Miles's grave?

Cry
Sometimes I lie down next to him and pretend we're at home together.
Get stickers in my pants
Pray and ask God to please help me through this
Feel thankful that he wasn't buried in Babyland. I don't know why this matters to me, but it does.
I like to bring some kind of trinket
Sweat and get bit by ants
Try to picture Miles in Heaven instead of in the earth
Tell Miles that I love him
Think about how bad it sucks that he died
Feel empty
Usually get a headache
Look at a painting of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane
Feel guilty for not coming more often and ridiculous for coming at all

Why am I sharing this? Because it's part of it.

New Kind of Normal

2011-08-31T14:00:00.003-05:00

I'm reading a book that a friend gave me, that another friend told me about, which is a sequel to a book that a completely different friend gave to me a few years ago. (See all the people God uses to bring comfort to one person?)

The book I'm currently reading/devouring is called A New Kind of Normal by Carol Kent. She also wrote When I Lay My Isaac Down. I wrote a blog post about that book a long time ago and begged you to read it. Did you read it???

On the front cover of this book it says, "Hope-Filled Choices When Life Turns Upside Down"

How fitting right?

Well, she quoted a man in this book and I wanted to share it with you.

(Click on the Picture to make it bigger.)

For some reason if you can't read what's on the picture it says:

"When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces. But he doesn't put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, he sifts through the rubble and selects some of the shards as raw material for another project---a mosaic that tells the story of redemption." ~Ken Gire

I'm still trying to figure out what my "New Kind of Normal" is.

Coldplay - Fix You [Lyrics]

2011-08-25T14:11:00.001-05:00

Randy has been singing this song to me lately.

I can't begin to explain how thankful I am for him.

These past 6 years we've been through the unthinkable.

He was the best possible Poppa for Miles.

Oh, how he loved Miles.

He took such great care of him.

He sat with Miles in the crook of his arm on the couch.

He supported me and encouraged me when it was tough with Miles.

Since Miles has died I've been a mess.

Randy has been so patient with me.

He's allowing me the precious gift of time to heal.

He doesn't get a pat on the back.

He doesn't have shoulders to cry on like I do.

Randy lost his son too.

Still, he has a business to run and a family to support.

There seems to be no rest for the weary.

Randy is trying to juggle work, money, his own grief and a crying wife.

It's a lot to juggle.

I just wanted you to know how amazing he is...even though he doesn't

really think he is. (That's part of his charm.)

Randy,

I'm so proud of you. I'm so thankful for you! Thank you for keeping on even though it's hard. Thank you for trying to "Fix Me." You're such a treasure to me.

Much Love,

Brandi

(One of Randy's favorite pictures of him and Miles.)

Crafty

2011-08-24T11:34:00.003-05:00

On Wednesdays I have coffee at my Mother-in-law, Shirley's house. This morning she told me about something she saw and thought that I would like to make. It's a tiny apron for a bottle of soap. After coffee I came home and whipped one up out of scraps of material I already had. It's one of the cutest things I've ever made!

How adorable is this thing???

I made a real pocket on it so when Shirley takes her rings off to wash the dishes she can put the ring in the pocket. Anyway, I thought this came out so dang cute!

Jocie 4th Grade. Eyes...Where are the Eyes?

2011-08-22T12:42:00.003-05:00

How Many Pictures Does It Take To Get The Eyes Open?

Take One

Nope

She's Trying

Eyes Are Open, But What Happened To the Mouth?

Where Are The Eyes?

Almost There!

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Perfect! Good! Get In The Car!

3 Months

2011-08-21T21:14:00.002-05:00

Today makes 3 months since Miles died. In many ways this month has been the hardest for me. The first days and months were a whirlwind and pretty foggy for me to try to remember. Everything was such a shock. The second month I was blessed enough to step away from everyday life and be out of town for most of the month. Of course I was still grieving and processing, but I was also distracted a lot. Month 3 slammed with me reality and deep sorrow. I've cried the month away. I've cried as hard as when Miles died. I've fiercely missed him. I've felt lost and empty.

Today though I've had an excitement brewing. Tomorrow the kids will go back to school. I will...I have no idea what I will be doing. I'm starting a new chapter tomorrow. I will be at home without any children. I'm not going to work. I'm not going to school. I'm not going to be taking care of anyone. Well, anyone but myself. I'm going to be....healing.

This week I finally started reading a book that a friend gave me right after Miles died. It's called "Within the Gates."

(The cover of my book looks different.) I couldn't read it when I first got it, but I picked it up this week, and it has brought me some comfort. It records a woman's vision of Heaven. It was written in the early 1900's. I don't know if it's all true. It sounds too good to be true, but Hey, that's what Heaven is right? The descriptions of Heaven are so beautiful, but even more than that the descriptions of Jesus' tender character have been what captured me. Even if it's not all true, which I'm not saying it is or it isn't...It helped me to think of Miles in Heaven more than just Miles not on Earth. Does that make sense?

Today I was looking through some pictures and I came across several pictures that I had taken in the last 6 months before he died. He looked really sick in them. When I've been thinking of "the Miles that I miss" I've thought about my precious smiling Miles. The truth was that he had to work really hard to be on this earth. He was so sick for so long. I don't usually think about how sick he was or how uncomfortable he probably was for a long time. He's not hurting anymore. He's not sick anymore.

I miss Miles more than I can begin to explain. However, at this time, at this moment...I'm happy for him.

(Oh, and thank you Marki for the book!)

Treasure Hunting

2011-08-20T15:30:00.004-05:00

Today Randy and I had a few extra minutes to spare so we stopped by the Goodwill close to our house. I like stopping in there when I have extra time in-between places. You just never know what you will find. I stopped in today because I'm still looking for more vintage board games for my kitchen. I found a couple of games today for very cheap. However, that wasn't the treasure of the day.

While I'm there I usually check out the records to see what they have. Today I found a few that made me very happy! At 25 cents each these are always an exciting buy. I got the soundtrack album for the movie Starman. Do you remember that movie from the 80's? I actually got 4 soundtracks. One is from the American Tale. I remember as a kid that movie made me sad for my Mama even if she was just in the other room. I found a Dolly Parton album from the movie 9 to 5. My favorite though is from YENTL. I love me some Barbra Streisan! I would give up half my record collection for this soundtrack in particular! Have you ever seen YENTL? I love that movie! In the movie all she wants to do above anything else is to be able to study the Bible, but she's a Jewish woman and isn't permitted to read it herself so she dresses up like a boy and goes to seminary. Anyway, it gets complicated when she falls in love with a boy. Anywho...as excited as I was about the albums...it still wasn't the treasure of the day.

THIS IS THE TREASURE OF THE DAY!

I found these adorable-I know they were crocheted by a little old woman-pot holders! How cute are these? I saw them and I felt I HAD TO rescue them! They needed a home where they would be appreciated and used. They were all sold together for $2.89, but it had a Blue Tag on it so they were Half Off today! Believe me, they're even cuter in person. All that old lady-crocheted-fruity-crafty-goodness made me smile!

Sour Puss

2011-08-19T23:18:00.002-05:00

I hate when the last thing I say to the kids at night is said with a Grumpy Face or a Grumpy Tone. It doesn't happen All the time, but it happens. I don't like ending the day with that.

My last words were not very nice. They're all still awake so I think I will go make those last words something sweeter.

How Am I Doing?

2011-08-18T12:03:00.003-05:00

How am I doing?

Well, let's see...here's a picture of a plant that I, until recently had in my entry way:

I walked by it at least 50 times a day. For awhile I thought I would try to work on the plant to make it better. It wasn't completely dead, though obviously the plant had seen better days. Then I got tired of looking at it, and I didn't have the energy to nurse it back to health. So I did the only logical thing. I opened the backdoor, chunked it outside and the dog immediately ran to it and ate it. That's a good representation of how I'm doing.

Catching Up a Little

2011-08-06T18:47:00.006-05:00

I feel like I need to put Something on here...

Well, VACATION WAS UH-MA-ZING!!!! I want to stay on vacation! I want to pack up right now and go back to where there's daily housekeeping, fresh seafood and days filled with things we Want to do instead of things we Have to do. (Yes I know how 3rd grader that sounds!)
We were on a 2 week vacation celebrating 15 years of marriage! Wow!
Here's a picture of the LoveBirds.

Next up...I'm OFFICIALLY A MOTHER OF A TEENAGER! I'm not sure how this is possible since I'm still so young. However, it's true. Joey turned 13 today. We're going to the drive-in movies later and I now have to pay adult prices for him. He now has a Facebook account. The rule on FB is that you have to be 13 so he's been excited about that. Before I was even awake today he wanted help making a FB account. I'm proud of him that he cares about the rules and waited. He's really an amazing kid. I'm so thankful that I'm starting out this Teenage Business with Joey!
How handsome is this kid????

What else...Oh, my husband got another tattoo when we were on vacation. He got a tattoo of an Indian shooting a Star.

It's a picture off of the Tootsie Pop suckers. It's something he really liked when he was a kid. (If you would like more details he would be happy to tell you about it. He likes telling the story.) However, I would like to tell you about his other tattoo and my matching one! Way back in the day after Randy and I KNEW we would be together forever...
We decided to get matching tattoos. Never mind the fact that I was only 16 and he was 18. We had only been together for 3 months, but like I said WE KNEW. (Oh, my gosh...I was only 3 years older than Joey is right now.) Please, Lord have mercy on me!

Anyway, we decided to get matching smiley face tattoos. Smiley Faces have been our logo every since. The deal was that I wasn't old enough to get a tattoo and there was No Way my Mom was going to give me permission. I know this because I asked and she said, "No Way." So, naturally what did we do? Randy went to his sister Sharon's house and made me a fake ID. No, I'm not kidding. He had gotten pretty good at making them for his friends in high school. Theirs all said they were 21. I'm sure it was so they could vote and such. Mine just said I was 18.

With my newly laminated ID I informed my Mom that I was going to go get the tattoo. She just laughed at me and we left. When I came back and I showed her she totally thought it was a joke! She told me to go wash it off. I told her that it was real and there was no washing it off. My response was, "I told you I was going. You didn't say anything!" Again, Lord, please have mercy on me!

I'm sure there's more to catch up on, but I've got to get ready for the Drive In. We're going to see Planet of the Apes and Captain America. It's only over 100 degrees so I'm sure it will be lovely. WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THE HEAT???

2 Months

2011-07-22T09:16:00.002-05:00

It’s been 2 months since Miles died.
Typing the words 2 months doesn’t seem to do the subject any justice.
That’s about 1,488 hours.
Now we’re talking.
Hours have been more my pace these last 2 months.
One hour I may be fine. The next I may be crying. The next hour I may be thinking about changing up Miles’s room. The next hour I may not allow one thing to be moved from his room. And when I say hour…I really mean every 15 minutes.

It’s crazy! I can go from laughing to crying or crying to laughing in about 1.2 seconds. Over the years I’ve prided myself on not being a “crier.” What does the Bible say? Pride comes before a what??? Yeah, Oh how the mighty have fallen. : ) I’ve cried more this past year then my whole life combined. It’s really not so bad now that I’m used to it. The tears come, there’s a release and I’m back to joy. I’m just trying to let it come and let it go. It feels like the healthy thing to do right now.

If something in my life is tough I like to tell myself that it will be better 2 weeks from now. (I may have given you this advice if you’ve had a problem.) It’s usually true. The things of the day that tend to bother me usually will not be an issue 2 weeks from today. I like to focus on that because it helps me put the problem into perspective. So far, I don’t see the 2 week goal making this situation any better. I don’t know when I will be better. I don’t know how long this process of grief will last.

Time is so strange. I wonder how it can already be 2 months since I held Miles. At the same time I think about him, dream about him and long for him all day long which makes it seem like forever since he’s been in my arms.

I know a lot of people, most people really, are relieved that Miles is no long suffering and in Heaven. I’m not one of them. I’m not there yet. I just can’t seem to find comfort that he’s in a better place. I know how much I loved him while he was on earth. I know that I did everything in my power to make sure he was as comfortable as he could be. I know how much our family loved him, how our family treated him when no one was around and Miles was loved everyday of his life. Am I saying that my house and family is better than Heaven…oh my gosh I hope not! I’m just saying that as the Mommy I want to know my baby is being loved on and taken care of, and I’m not the one doing it so it’s hard for me to find comfort about that.

Right now I’m on our 15th anniversary 2 WEEK vacation at the beach!!! (So why am I whining right???) I’m at the beach, my favorite place…with Randy, my favorite person. I’m having a wonderful time! Really! I still miss him though. The beach doesn’t drive away the sadness. It does help though. : ) I know this time alone was set up by the Lord. I’m so thankful for that. I don’t think I will come back totally healed, but I believe there is healing for Randy and I here.

I’m so thankful for all the kind messages on facebook and texts and comments on my blog. The little notes of encouragement and love have been a lifeline to me. I treasure them…so thank you! Thank you for walking this out with me.

Sweet Gift

2011-07-18T14:26:00.003-05:00

A sweet friend at church gave me a beautiful gift yesterday. She handed me a neatly decorated box, hugged me and then told me to open it when I got home.

I made it almost to my house before I opened it. : )

When I saw the necklace tears immediately began to fill my eyes. When I showed it to Randy he began to cry. He actually had to pull over because we were both crying and plus we wanted to take a minute to really think about the gift. Randy said, "God is so personal." God knows the thing I long for is to hold Miles again. The words on the necklace capture my heart's cry at this time.

I'm so thankful for my special gift. I put it on last night and it's already one of my favorite things.

Melody Free Stylin'

2011-07-14T22:59:00.001-05:00

I found this video tonight of Melody free stylin' and it cracked me up. She is so dang cute!

It's ok to say his name.

2011-07-11T09:15:00.003-05:00

Dear Friends,
I know it must be awkward. I’m guessing most of you are worried about saying the wrong thing to me. I’m assuming you don’t want to upset me so you avoid talking about Miles. Here’s the deal. Miles died. My son died. The son that I took care of everyday and went through both heaven and hell on earth with…he died.
I want to talk about it! I need to talk about it! I don’t think every conversation should be about Miles. I don’t even want that. However, if I’m around you for 2 hours and I leave without even talking about Miles for a minute I leave feeling so lonely. It makes me want to shout out, “MY SON DIED! HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS! I KNOW YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT! I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES!”
Yes, I’ll probably cry. I could probably use a hug. It’s ok if you don’t have anything to say to comfort me. It’s ok if all you have to say is that you have nothing to say.
It’s probably true that for a while I needed some time alone with my family. Now, I need my friends. The sadness is somehow getting both better and worse. I’m not even sure what that means but it’s true. I need people around me that know and love me and will allow me to talk this whole thing out with them. (Of course I will be out of town for 3 weeks so that makes things a little sticky.) Still, a text, a letter to my facebook inbox, a card sent to my house, phone call, lunch date, a night out…all these things would be greatly appreciated.

I need you.

My life is upside down. I’m learning how to be one person instead of two. It’s almost like I have a whole new life. (I’m just not sold on it yet.)
Please don’t feel pressure to do any of these things today. Of course you can if you want. I really just want you to allow the Spirit to prompt you in these things. He knows what I need and what you have to offer. I just wanted to get it out there that I need my friends and that I need to talk about Miles even if it’s awkward. Even if I cry. Even if you really are unsure of what to say.
I get by with a little help from my friends.

(Unrelated photo inserted here.)

The WALL

2011-07-07T14:19:00.022-05:00

OH MY GOSH!!!! I just spent an hour on this post! When I finished it and looked at the finished project I realized that the pictures are in backwards order. I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT! I don't want to redo it at this time so you will just have to use your imagination on this one. Ugh! Oh well, you will get the point! : )

Our 15th Wedding Anniversary is coming up. On our 13th anniversary we decided that we would start saving for our 15th. Our honeymoon was an overnight trip to Fredricksburg. It was nice, but it was only one day. That's all we could do at the time because of money and work. Well, Randy had an idea to start saving our change so we could go somewhere nice for our 15th anniversary. We've tried saving before, but just like the couple on the movie UP the savings would always get used on everyday things that would come up. SOoooooo....Randy had an unconventional idea and the work skills to back it up. About two years ago Randy put a hole in the wall and a cover plate over it so we could begin to put money in the wall so we couldn't get to it until we were ready.

Last night was the night to get our money out because our vacation is coming up!

Now, Spencer REALLY wanted to take a sledge hammer to the wall, but Randy made the wall in the first place so he knew that all he had to do was take the trim off the bottom of the wall. Joey and Spencer call this the "Lame" way to bust the money out.

Miss Melody showing off some cash!

Mom is visiting this week so she got to be a part of the wall opening. She was a great asset in counting all the money!

Even Molly wanted to help gather the money!

"THE ACCOUNTANTS" We actually counted it all by hand last night. When I took it to the back we were exactly right on the total!

Randy and I are going to Corpus Christi for 2 weeks WITHOUT THE KIDS! Just us! We thought about going other exotic places, but we decided we Want to go to Corpus. It sounds so relaxing and refreshing! I'm looking forward to it more than I can explain!

Joey & Melody got up with me this morning to go cash in the money at our bank. You know they loved me taking their picture in front of the bank. : )

Our Total...$757.42!!!!!!!!
We're soooooo excited! It's like free money! We've just been sticking our change in the wall and it really added up. We put a few dollar bills in there, but really it was mostly just change. So in a week Randy and I will take our "Wall Change" and enjoy spending it in Corpus Christi!!!!!

A Must See...

2011-07-04T12:53:00.004-05:00

I've been listing a bunch of stuff on eBay to get ready for our vacation. I'm using the proceeds for extra spending cash.

I've got a really awesome item that I was going to sell on eBay, but I don't really know how to start out the bidding. The thing is the item is both invaluable and worthless at the same time.

In this tin there's a collection of letters, a doctor bill from Scott & White Hospital from 1928, Ration cards from World War ll with some stamps still in it, a letter of recommendation dated Nov 1911, Soldier's letter from 1919, postcards, a written job offer from J.M. Radford grocery company in Abilene, TX from 1918 for $60 per month, post card from Paris in 1918, some kind of special greeting book from Germany in 1913 and a scholarship certificate from Draughon's Practical Business College for book keeping tuition. There's letters written on American Red Cross & Knights of Columbus War Activities stationery. AND...several other things.

Anyway, it's all just amazing. It's history in a charming metal tin.

I'm planning on listing it on eBay in a day or so....UNLESS one of YOU wants to make me an offer on it. Randy and I love the idea of someone getting the letters that will really enjoy them. If that's YOU then leave a comment here, on facebook or text me and let me know.

Free

2011-07-03T19:19:00.004-05:00

This morning at church we sang the song I Am Free by the Newsboys.

(Read the lyrics)

Newsboys - I Am Free
From the album Houston We Are Go (Live)

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams I am free
I am free

Chorus: (2x's)
I am free to run
(I am free to run)
I am free to dance
(I am free to dance)
I am free to live for you
(I am free to live for you)
I am free
(I am free)
Yes, I am free
(I am free)

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams I am free
I am free

We used to sing this song a lot at our old church when Miles was much younger. It was a declaration song for me. I would hold Miles's hand and sing it over him. I would sing it to myself and allow my faith to build. I would meditate on the song and visually picture God making Miles see, God allowing Miles to sing, God allowing Miles to dance.

After hearing the song several times I changed the words. I would sing:

Through you Miles will see
Through you Miles will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams Miles is free
Miles is free

Chorus: (2x's)
Miles is free to run
(Miles is free to run)
Miles is free to dance
(Miles is free to dance)
Miles is free to live for you
(Miles is free to live for you)
Miles is free
(Miles is free)
Yes, Miles is free
(Miles is free)

I believed God would heal him. I believed Miles would see. I believed Miles would be free to run and dance. I believed Miles would be able to sing and live for God. I can't say my faith didn't waver. I can't say everyday I believed in those things, but my overall belief was that while on this earth Miles would be free and healed.

Today as the worship team began to play that song my faith, my spirit and my emotions were all at war within me. I wasn't able to hold Miles's hand today to declare that song over him. He wasn't here on this earth running around and dancing free. Yet, more than ever that song was true for Miles today. My spirit knows that's the truth. My faith is trying to work it all out to know it's true. My emotions are screaming, "That's not how I wanted it to happen!"

While on earth Miles was not free. He was bound in his own body. Without medication he couldn't even lift his own arms because of how tight his muscles were. He didn't have the ability to stand, run or dance. Yet, he is no longer bound by this earth or his body. Because of the price that Jesus paid Miles is free.

I feel like I'm paying a price too. It has cost me something to set him free. I poured my life and my love out on him for so long. I believed in his healing for so long. I was physically and emotionally invested for so long, and now I'm without him. There's a part of me that thinks about his true freedom now in Heaven and it really does comfort me. However, there's another part of me, a selfish part, a mother part of me that would yank him right back down from Heaven to be with me again.

Death was not the freedom I was hoping for Miles. Yet, I know he is Free.

Miles is free to run
(Miles is free to run)
Miles is free to dance
(Miles is free to dance)
Miles is free to live for you
(Miles is free to live for you)
Miles is free
(Miles is free)
Yes, Miles is free
(Miles is free)

P.S. Thank you Dan for the tissues.

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart.

2011-06-25T20:41:00.006-05:00

I'm feeling so thankful.
This year has totally been a roller coaster, heck, today has been a roller coaster. I've had extremes emotionally from being sad about Miles, nervous to go back home and see his room still empty to true and pure thankfulness for the love, friends and family I have in my life.

Right now I want to dwell on the thankfulness. God has been so faithful to show me that I'm not alone. He's used so many people to pour out their love and support on me. I don't have Miles anymore (on earth). That's true. It's also true that I DO have so much to be thankful for.

The Lord has been so faithful to me. He's helping me through this process, and He has put me on lots of people's heart that has made this time sweet.

I don't know how someone loses a child without The Comforter. Although I'm terribly sad I still have peace about where Miles is at. I know he's not in pain. I know that Jesus is taking care of him. I know that I will be with him again one day in Heaven. I know that my life isn't over. I know that God still has a plan for our family!

What are you thankful for these days?

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Written in a hotel room paid for me by a person I've never met.

My Amarillo city view.

I've got the iWANTS

2011-06-24T17:09:00.005-05:00

Even though I don't believe it Santa Clause I still plan on asking him for one of these for Christmas...

I WANT AN iPAD!!!!

Is it necessary?
No.

Will my life be magically better (really)?
No.

However, I feel a little bit like Veruca Salt about the situation.

Veruca's song in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and ...
Give it to me
Rrhh rhhh
Now!

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!

I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em

I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!

I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now

I've been able to mess around with a few iPads here and there and they're just so dang neat! Plus anything with a little i in front of it makes me drool.

I know having an iPad won't really make everything better. I know that I should really pay my mortgage payment instead of buying an iPad. I know that if I had one I would have to always get it back from my kids. I know. I know...

I still want it though. : )

And...instead of Christmas Santa...why don't you just go ahead and hook me up with one next week? I've been a very good girl I assure you...nothing like Veruca.

Rough Day

2011-06-23T11:43:00.003-05:00

I'm missing my baby today. I had another dream about Miles last night. I've been dreaming about him most nights. In my dream we were carrying him around where ever we went even though we knew he was dead. We knew it was weird but we just couldn't let go of him. He was dressed in the clothes we buried him in. I don't think I was carrying him around, but other people around me were. That's the thing about my dreams...I never get to touch him or hold him. I want to, but it's like I keep getting pulled in different directions so I can't get to him. Then in my dream we had decided that it wasn't right to keep carrying him around when we knew he was dead. We had decided that he needed to be cremated. I awoke as the fire began to flame.

The dreams aren't uplifting. I don't wake up happy that I dreamed about him. They leave me sad and sometimes disturbed. They leave me longing. I'm sure if I dreamt about him being able to run around and happy I would enjoy dreaming about him, but I don't.

I'm guessing this is part of the process of grief, but I don't like it very much.

I know this isn't a very encouraging thing to read, but I've always shared the Good, the Bad and the Ugly on this blog. I will continue to do so. Today it just happens to be part of the Bad.

Can't think of a Title

2011-06-20T15:40:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow it will be a month without my baby boy. This month has felt both like a year and a minute. Saying that Miles has been gone for a month seems impossible. Yet, it feels like forever since I’ve been able to hold him in my arms.

I dream about him often. The dreams have the same theme. I see him or find him and I keep trying to get close to him to hold him but I never make it. I wake up with such an ache in my heart. I want to hold him and kiss him and take care of him. I want to dress him and tell him I love him. I want to fix his curly hair.

It’s been such a strange time for me. It’s still an adjustment to me as I’ve had to figure out how to live as one person instead of two. I never meant for Miles to become an extension of me, but how could I have prevented it? For 6 and a half years I did everything for him. Well, I had help, but I was in charge of getting it done. Now, I feel like I have all the possibilities in the world. As a matter of fact I’m in Colorado right now without Randy and the kids. I will be here all week. That’s not something I normally could have done because of all of my responsibilities. Also, I’m even thinking about the possibility of working. That wasn’t really an option before.

Still, even with all the new freedoms it doesn’t feel like a good trade off.

I ask that you please keep praying for our family. We’re all still adjusting to life without Miles. To quote Jocie, “This summer has been depressing.” I can’t imagine what it would be like without friends like you.

What's for Dinner?

2011-06-16T13:41:00.007-05:00

I know I don't usually share recipes on here, but I wanted to enlighten you on a family favorite. It only takes about 30 minutes. This recipe serves 4 but I usually double it for my family. It's always a big hit.

It's Dashi-Poached Scallop Salad with Wasabi Dressing.

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon wasabi paste
1/4 cup canola oil
Salt and freshly ground pepper
2 teaspoons instant dashi
4 cups water
12 sea scallops, sliced into thirds
4 ounces mesclun

1. In a bowl, whisk the lemon juice, wasabi paste and oil. Season with salt and pepper.
2. In a large saucepan, bring the dashi and water to a simmer. Add the scallops and poach just until opaque, about 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Drain and pat dry. Transfer the scallops to a bowl and toss with half the dressing.

I like to pair it with a nice Pinot Noir called Domaine Serene.

Wait a second...What just happened???? I think the heat has zapped my brain. I don't know what I was talking about.

I meant to share a different meal with you.

It's called Peanut Butter and Jelly on White Bread.

We like to pair it with a nice 2% Milk.

Aprons

2011-06-15T16:43:00.016-05:00

Several months ago when Miles was really sick an unexpected gift from an unlikely place has blossomed into a refreshing hobby for me.
Randy was out working in Clyde one day around the time the hospice nurses said (for the 1st time) that Miles probably would only live a few more days. Randy ran into a man that he's done some work for/with. I can't remember his first name, but it's Will Stallings Dad. Anyway, he told Randy that he heard about his son, told him he was sorry and gave him I think around $65. He told Randy he could take his family out to dinner or something. Well, Randy had come home and he hadn't said anything about it yet. It was a particularly extra stressful time, especially for me because I was having to monitor Miles all day long in his room and help him if he needed anything.
Well, the next morning when I woke up I literally felt like it would be impossible to make it through another day that felt like a week. Before Randy had left for work I was talking to him and begging for him to somehow make things better. That's when he remembered the money that Mr. Stalling's gave him. He mentioned something I could do with the money (I can't remember what it was) but all the sudden I knew what I wanted to do with the money.
For quite awhile I had been noticing how aprons were making a comeback. The problem was they were so dang expensive. I had looked at several and had decided that I could totally make aprons for a heck of a lot cheaper than what they were asking for them.
I took the money, got a babysitter for Miles and I ran to Hobby Lobby like a crazy woman. I found a simple pattern, found some fabric, dug my sewing machine out of storage, wiped off the dirt and began to sew like it was my salvation. I was able to sew in Miles's room so I could still be near him and take care of him, but I was also distracted which helped tremendously. I was able to focus on something else besides sickness and it felt so good.

This is the first apron I made with the money. Up close it really does look awful, but it was just what I needed at the time. I learned a lot on that one. When I was working on it the thread kept bunching up so it looked terrible, but I just kept sewing and reminding myself that it didn't matter. I just kept right on and I could feel the stress leaving my body as I sewed. That feeling has continued as I've gotten much better!

Here's SOME of the aprons I've made. Some of them I didn't get pictures of before I gave them away. They make wonderful gifts. After each one I decide it's my favorite one. Currently my favorite is the cowboy apron. It's so adorable!!!

My friend Tommye sent me an email about aprons when she heard that I had been making aprons. I thought it was sweet. It's called The History of Aprons.

The History of Aprons
I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids..
And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

I'm glad we didn't go out to eat with that money that day. Investing in that pattern and hobby has continued to be healing for me. As I sit at the sewing machine I catch myself praying and feeling the stress leave. So, Mr. Stallings...THANK YOU!!! I would make you an apron, but I don't think it would be your thing. : )

I Love...

2011-06-12T20:52:00.002-05:00

A few things I love in no particular order what-so-ever:

I love when I find a really good book that I can get so into it that I don’t care what goes on around me as long as I can keep reading.

I love getting a card unexpectedly in the mail from a friend declaring their love for me again.

I love losing myself in worship so deep that I literally forget where I am or that other people are around me.

I love sewing while watching TV shows on my laptop.

I love at the end of a day when Randy and I will open a bottle of wine, grab a crunchy snack and watch The Office. (and always beat them to the punch line)

I love that Randy and I have this secret communication that we use when we can’t actually say something because other people are around. It can mean “Oh my gosh!” or “That’s funny” or “Hey, that’s interesting!” or “I can’t believe he/she just said that” or “Remember to talk about that later when we’re alone” Or…

I love going out to eat and watching the kids order their own food now. They look so young and grown up at the same time.

I love going to the library because everything is free there.

I love listening to audio books when I make a long road trip by myself. I get lost in the book and the trip seems to go so quickly.

I love sweating during a good workout. It makes me feel like I’ve made a difference.

I love how big my house feels after it’s all clean.

I love how when I walk into church it feels like I’m home.

I love on a rare Saturday morning when we have nothing to do and we all pile in the bed and wrestle.

I love reading comments from other people on my blog or Facebook.

I love when I get my hair colored and Cindy fixes my hair. Why can’t I do my hair the same way?

I love when my Mom cooks for me.

I love when I re-read something I’ve written and it surprises me at how good it is. Is that vain?

I love when I feel appreciated.

I love going to the movies.

I love playing Monopoly with Randy and the kids. (and winning)

I love getting a good deal on something.

I love time alone.

I love new markers. I always tell the kids never to use them, look at them or borrow them. That never works.

I love feeling like I’m supposed to do something and then following through.

There’s more. Of course there’s more, but I’ve got to go take a shower…another thing I love.

And yes, I do love long walks on the beach.

Kids Interview

2011-06-11T12:19:00.006-05:00

I sat the kids down this morning one at a time and did an interview with them. I used to do it regularly when they were small, but I haven't done it in a long time. It's fun to hear their own ideas about things. I love seeing all their personalities. They're a treasure to me.

What grade will you be in next year?

Joey: 8th

Spencer: 6th

Jocie: 4th

Melody: 3rd

What do you want to do when you grow up?

Joey: Engineer. I would like to make prototypes of random things that people ask me to make.

Spencer: Pilot. I would want to fly to Ireland because I’ve always wanted to go there. It sounds relaxing, beautiful and fun.

Jocie: Hmmm…I would like to be really good at piano.

Melody: An artist, a babysitter and like in charge of The Pound.

What are you looking forward to most this summer?

Joey: Great Wolf Lodge and my birthday because it’s really fun at the Great Wolf Lodge. For my birthday I want to go to PrimeTime with my friends and play laser tag.

Spencer: The Great Wolf Lodge because Joey told me how fun it was there so I really want to go.

Jocie: Hmmm…Um seeing Grammy for the 2 weeks while you and Poppa go on vacation for your anniversary. You know, that thing you’ve been saving up for.

Melody: swimming and going on vacations

If you could have a super power what would it be? What would your super hero name be?

Joey: I’d like to be able to read minds because it would be funny and you could scare people by doing pranks on them. My name would be BOB.

Spencer: I’d like to be able to read minds because you can know what the person’s about to say and freak them out. I wouldn’t have a super hero name. I would just be super smart.

Jocie: Hmmm…Reading Minds so I can understand what they think so if they’re happy or sad I could try to cheer them up. I would like to know their feelings. My super hero name would be THE THINKER.

Melody: Fly. I know I would have a purple cape. My name would be PURPLE GIRL.

*****Updated: I have an urgent update for you: Melody has changed her mind on her super power. She now wants to be able to blend into walls so if she's being sneaky no one will see her. Also, if she see a bank robbery she will be able to stop them without anyone seeing her. Her new super hero name will be Blender Girl.

If you had unlimited money what is 3 things you would do with it?

Joey: I’d buy a really cool car, buy a laptop and I’d buy an ALAMO Fireworks store

Spencer: I would buy an airplane, buy an island and buy a boat. I would live on the island by myself.

Jocie: Hmmm…I would take our whole family to Disney World including Grammy and Connor. I would make sure everybody has enough money for them to buy all their needs. Like everybody in Africa! For my last thing I think I would like to give Joey a car and a phone.

Melody: I would buy 5 baby puppies. I would buy a DSI and I would adopt a baby.

What is your favorite food?

Joey: lasagna

Spencer: Hawaiian Tomato Soup

Jocie: I really like that stuff at Pizza Inn with the noodles and queso. Oh wait, my favorite food is Ruffles and queso.

Melody: chicken

What is your least favorite food?

Joey: Fettucini Alfredo. It’s sick.

Spencer: Hamburgers because it has a lot of meat. It’s gross.

Jocie: Spaghetti tacos. I don’t like those things. They’re bad.

Melody: Squash. Squash is sick.

What’s the most fun thing you’ve ever been able to do in your life?

Joey: Go to Six Flags with my friends. We really got to do pretty much anything we wanted to. We voted on most everything. We picked our own restaurant. It was fun. We all liked the same thing pretty much.

Spencer: That’s a hard one. It’s when I got to meet the Texas Rangers because I had no idea that I was going to meet them. I had just come to see Miles at the hospital and I got to meet the Texas Rangers. Also, I loved going to Fredricksburg because I got to be with my family and we got to travel all around Fredicksburg.

Jocie: Ooo…going to Corpus Christi. I loved that place! That was the most fun day of my life! We got to go to the beach and I got a pretty shell. It was so fun. The fun thing was that we got to stay there overnight for like 5 days in hotel. I saw a rusty Jeep.

Melody: Six Flags is scary. Going to Corpus Christi was my favorite. Ooo remember those little baby seats? I made that out of sand one time and I sat in it. The boys almost wrecked it so I had to save it.

Please Pray for our Family

2011-06-10T08:45:00.003-05:00

I was going to write a post on "How my Life is like a Country Song" right now, but I just don't have it in me.

Let's just say that the cliche "When it Rains it Pours" also applies.

I'm asking you to please pray for our family. We need breakthrough*miracles*healing*peace*comfort*joy...We need to feel Jesus so close to us.

Man and Wife?

2011-06-06T10:50:00.003-05:00

Here’s a random thing that pops in my head every once in a while:

You know how people talk about their wedding day as the best day of their life? Well, I’m so happy that isn’t the case with me. Our wedding was, well, a little ghetto. We paid for 94% of it by ourselves, which meant we didn’t spend very much at all. We were soooo young. I was in college and I had a little very part time job watering plants at the hospital and at other businesses. My boss rarely paid me, which for some reason didn’t bother me too much. I liked watering the plants. What did bother me is that I had to take her car with the water tank supplies in it and she had the worst car ever! It smoked and by the time I was finished driving all around town I felt like I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Still, I’m smiling as I think back on that job.

Anyway, back to being young and poor…Randy had a job making decent money. The thing is that we weren’t just planning a wedding but we were also remodeling a house to live in after we got married. Again, that was on our own dime. We ended up living in our little yellow house that we remodeled for 8 years. We brought all 5 of our babies home to that house. So, I cringe at the wedding photos, but the house is endeared to my heart forever.

All of the above is not what I had started out writing. That’s the back-story I guess. Okay, so when we were getting married we were not living for the Lord. We were living for…well…to keep this PG rating…Ourselves. We weren’t going to church anywhere so we weren’t sure who to get to marry us. I had been to FountainGate (not the name back then) a couple of times with Randy’s sister Sheila. Randy had also worked on that church with a construction friend at one time. We knew the pastor, Scott Beard and liked him. We called to set up a meeting with him, and he was so kind to us even though I’m pretty sure he could detect our scandalous shenanigans.

He said that he would marry us and the fee was $50.
Hmm…$50.

We agreed that was more than a fair price. However, $50 was not in the budget. Remember, we were also remodeling a house from top to bottom. Here’s a glimpse of our budget. I bought a yellowish green refrigerator from someone on Sales Blvd for $5. Yeah, $5. I also bought a couch, an ugly ass couch for $5. I bought a set of dishes for guess how much. Yep, $5. Now, if Scott had offered to marry us for $5 then we would have shook hands and left it at that. It didn’t happen though so we were still on the look out.

Luckily (or Unluckily) for us Randy’s other sister Sharon was going through a strange time in her life and somehow got involved with the Mormons. Some cute Mormon boys began to come to over to Sharon’s house to discuss religion, and one of Sharon’s most favorite things to do ever was argue so it was a beautiful relationship. She was highly intelligent and knew the Bible. She would argue with them and they would continue to come over. She ended up meeting several people in their church including a Bishop in the church.

She was so excited to tell us that the Bishop (whose name I cannot remember) said that he would marry us…FOR FREE. Bingo! This was the break we were waiting for.

We had a meeting with the guy.

Us: Can you marry us?

Bishop: Sure.

Us: Can we write our own vows (that happened to be really hippy and makes me blush to think about the things I said.)

Bishop: Sure.

Us: Sharon said it would be free. Is it free?

Bishop: Sure.

Us: Can you be there at 1:00?

Bishop: Sure.

Us as we’re leaving: Have you ever done this before?

Bishop: No, this will be the first one. Is that okay?

Us: Sure.

So, we were married by a Mormon Bishop. I heard from my Mom that when he pronounced us married by the power of The Church of Ladder Day Saints that my Grandma almost had a heart attack. I guess Grandma should have pitched in a few bucks.
So, here’s the random thing that pops in my head every once in a while: Are we really married??? That guy did not seem to know what he was doing. He hardly said a word at the wedding. He just let Randy and I ramble as we declared our love for one another in front of a crowd that was wishing the whole thing would just end already. Have Randy and I just been shacking up for the last 15 years? Was our little ghetto wedding legit?

Recently, we ended up having Miles’s funeral at FountainGate church and Scott Beard was there. He hugged me and I thanked him for allowing us to have the funeral at his church. He said, “Of course. That’s the way it should be.”

It’s funny/strange how in a moment like that where I’m burying a son I can still think, “Dang it! $50 bucks and this is the guy who could have married us!”

So, any thoughts? Do you think it was legit? If a very quiet Mormon Bishop says your married are you married?

Wait, quick side memory associated with Mormons. In college I was taking a speech class. We paired up and had to interview each other then introduce the person to the class. I paired up with the guy behind me. I asked him the usual questions like name and what he was going to school for. He told me his name was Eric and then he mumbled what he wanted to go to school for. I asked him again and he said, “I want to be a Gay Mormon.” A what? “A Gay Mormon.” I’m thinking, “Oh my goodness! What in the world? I didn’t even know you had to go to school for that!” Then he began to talk about his love for animals and nature. I apologized then asked him one more time what he was going to school for. He said, “I told you a GAME WARDEN.” Ah, a game warden. Makes sense. : )

Back to my random Mormon pronounced marriage…so do YOU think we’re married?
I'll leave you with this awkward photo.

I miss my boy

2011-06-03T18:08:00.003-05:00

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

I've been weeping a lot today. I miss my Delight.

Yesterday I had a wonderful day filled with joy and laughter.

Today it feels like the pain from missing Miles could swallow me whole. I can physically feel my heart beating in pain. I don't know what makes one day harder than others. I know it's a process. I know it's a process. I know it's a process.

Thankful

2011-05-31T14:29:00.003-05:00

Thank you Lord that I had the privilege of being Miles's Mother. I'm so honored and thankful. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Even with all of the work, heavy hearted days and mystery I still got the better end of the deal. Taking care of Miles was my joy.
I miss him so bad it hurts. I can't explain how empty my arms feel. I just want to hold him. The thought of never feeling him next to me again seems unbearable. When I held him I could feel my whole body relax. There was something so pure about him that it would heal me as I held him. I need him here now to heal my broken heart.
I miss the physical part of taking care of him. I miss the feeling of accomplishment as I finished his routine. It began and finished my day. Now my days seems like an endless wave of Me. I'm already sick of Me.
What a special treasure he was. I will forever be grateful for the time I had with him. Thank you Lord for trusting me with Miles. You know how I loved him.

Cheap Therapy

2011-05-29T22:40:00.012-05:00

When I feel down I've noticed something...I like to shop on eBay for Vintage Fisher Price Toys!

I don't usually buy any of them (mainly because they're so dang expensive) but I really like looking them up, finding the best deal on them and telling myself I could buy them IF I Really Wanted To!

***Sorry for the smallest photos ever!***

Here's the Farm. I actually have this one. It's from when I was a kid. My Grandma Jody had it at her house and I played with it WAY LONGER that I probably should have. I just loved it! When I grew up she gave it to me. It's so special to me. The girls still get it down from the shelf and play with it. I love that.

Airport

This circus is crazy expensive! I've seen them between $300 to $500.

The Hospital. This is The One I want the most!!! I usually start out looking up this one! I've bid on these a few times, but I haven't ever won. They go up too high. I love it because it has a little wheelchair and the girls and I would pretend its Miles.

More Little People. I have most of these.

The Lunchbox and Thermos. I absolutely positively want this with all my heart!!!

The school chalk board. I have this one. I used to play this at my Grandma Jody's house and I loved it!

The school house. I used to play this at my Grandma's too, but I don't have one now. These aren't too pricey.

The Castle. I love the castle. It's so charming. I love the little crowns.

I love them because they remind me of being a kid. Plus I'm a sucker for Vintage stuff or even the word Vintage. Joey says that when he hears the word "vintage" all he really hears is "expensive." True so True.

If we were friends...

2011-05-27T19:57:00.005-05:00

If we were friends and I found an amazing new restaurant I would probably tell you how good their food was and perhaps even make plans for us to go there sometime together to enjoy the new place.

If Randy and I just came back from an incredible Cruise (I wish!) and it was as perfect as I had imagined it would be, then I found out that you want to go on a Cruise one day I'm positive I would tell you all about our Cruise and all the reasons you should go on the same Cruise Line we went on. You know...if we were friends.

If we were friends and I knew a place where you could get a refreshing pedicure in a place where the staff would treat you really nice...I would hook you up with the info.

With that being true I have a new place to share with you. It might be a strange place to give a review of, however, since we're friends I've just gotta share.

I can't say enough good things about Elmwood Funeral Home.

Wait! Don't leave! Here me out!

Having a son die sucks!

Funerals suck!

Making funeral plans suck!

Elmwood Funeral Home makes all that suck less.

I'm pretty sure that won't be their new slogan, but maybe it should be.

Elmwood Funeral Home and Bryan Hicks in particular went above and beyond what I could have hoped for, asked or imagined. Planning a funeral is a lot of work. It has almost as many details as a wedding but you do it all in about 3 days, it's not as fun as a wedding, and there's no honeymoon afterwords. Bryan Hicks & Elmwood made sure we had the nicest & most special funeral possible. They were very generous to us and worked hard to get us discounts were it was possible.

During the Visitation they had a beautiful area set up that felt like a living room. They kept freshly baked cookies coming so the guests could have something to snack on. I'm not going to mention how many cookies my own children ate.

Again, I know it's strange to be raving about a funeral home, but they did so many extras to make the situation more comfortable and special that it took a little sting out of the event. The staff was easy to talk to, answered all our questions, cared about our decisions, were extremely compassionate and integrated special details that I never would have thought of.

Randy and I are so thankful for all the help Elmwood and Bryan Hicks gave us. I've always heard that burying a child is one of the very worst things that can happen to someone. At this time I can sufficiently agree with that statement. Elmwood Funeral Home helped us get through that extremely difficult time. For that I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness, and since we are friends...I thought you should know.

Miles's Last Day

2011-05-25T17:31:00.001-05:00

Our sweet Miles died on Saturday morning. If I could have handwritten all my preferences about how the process should go and somehow snail mailed it to God I don’t think I would have been able to write it any better.
As gut wrenching sad, as the whole thing was it still was beautiful and special. Saturday morning we woke up and one by one the big kids crawled in our bed to talk my ear off and to wrestle Poppa. Even Molly tried jumping up on the bed to get into the mix, but she knows she’s not allowed to do that. We were all laughing and joking and I was getting nauseated from all the bouncing on my bed. It had all the makings for a perfect Saturday.
We were already about to get up when Joey came back in our room and told us that Miles’s monitor was beeping. That wasn’t particularly alarming because he had been having lots of trouble the last several days with his breathing. As a matter of fact, on Friday Miles was only taking 4 breaths per minute all day long. Of course this should have been a clue that he wasn’t going to pull out of this one, but honestly, we’ve seen Miles bounce back from so many scrapes that literally Friday night we were holding Miles while watching Cake Boss and talking about how tomorrow he could wake up and be just fine.
Randy and I finished getting dressed and went in Miles’s room to check on him. His nose had bled during the night so Randy was trying to clean him up. Neither Randy nor I said anything to each other but I think we both knew he wasn’t going to make it. I acted normal as I had the kids clean up all their blankets and pillows from sleeping in the living room the night before. Then I had them clean off the kitchen table. Randy was cleaning Miles up and I went to the bathroom to make Miles’s medicine and as I looked at myself in the mirror I KNEW. I knew I was about to lose my child. I walked back into the room and Randy was lying down by Miles in bed. Randy and I looked into each other’s eyes and without saying anything we knew that he was dying. The monitor kept showing that Miles’s heart rate and oxygen level was lowering. I began to cry and tell Miles over and over that I love him. Randy stayed in the bed with him. Then we told God that we trust him. We Trust You God. We Trust You God. We Love you Miles. I Love you So Much Miles. You Are Free To Go. I Love You So Much.
I asked if I should get the kids. Jocie ended up coming in and immediately she began to cry and asked if he was breathing. I told her that he was dying and that she needed to tell him that she loves him. She ran to him and rubbed his face and kept telling Miles that she loved him. I hurried out of the room to find the other kids. I saw Joey and told him to go to Miles’s room and say goodbye to him. I couldn’t find Spencer and Melody for a second. They had gone outside to clean out the car. I found them and told them to hurry inside. Spencer came quickly, but Melody was trying to find her other flip-flop. She wouldn’t move so I had to go pick her up out of the car and explain to her that Miles was passing away and she needed to go tell him she loved him.
We went into Miles’s room and circled his bed. Randy was still next to Miles while we all cried and prayed and told Miles over and over that we love him. He took less and less breaths and within a couple of minutes he was gone. He wasn’t in pain. He wasn’t scared. His family surrounded him, and I believe he felt loved and released.
Soon Randy left to call hospice so they could come and do their things. Joey, Spencer and Melody clung to me and wept. Jocie went to Miles’s side, laid her hands on Miles and prayed that God would raise him from the dead.
After awhile we said our goodbyes and went to the other room as we waited for hospice to come and take care of his body. We held each other on the couch and cried. As were sitting there Jocie remembered something and said, “Remember last year when we went to China Star and Miles’s fortune cookie said that he would dance on his feet next summer? Well, it’s true! It is summer and he’s dancing on his feet in heaven!”
The hospice nurse came and was cleaning his body and things like that. We all stayed in the kitchen and the kids were hungry. It was late morning by this time. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life, but I got up and made them pancakes. My son had just died but my other children were still here and hungry so I fed them. As I was cooking I thought of a good title for a book “And Then I Made Pancakes.” : )
The funeral home came and got Miles’s body and then we were all just quiet and close. We weren’t in any rush. We didn’t want to run to the phone. We just wanted to be together and get our bearings before all the chaos hit.
The way Miles died brought peace to me and I think to all of us. The way it all happened made me feel close to the Lord. I got to see that Miles wasn’t scared. We all got to be around him so he wasn’t alone and he knew he was loved right to the very end.
It reminded me of the day Miles was born. The whole time I was pregnant Randy and I had it in our minds that we wanted to have our last baby at home. All the other deliveries had gone so smoothly and we wanted it to be special and with only Randy and I there when our son was born.
Well, as time got closer for Miles to be born we both felt like we were supposed to have him at the hospital, and we ended up being right. When I got to the hospital Miles had turned and was side to side instead of head down. The doctor had to turn him back like 5 times because Miles kept flipping back around. Well, after the doctor got all of that situated the delivery process continued normally. So normally in fact, that the nurses pretty much left me alone since I was a pro by that time and all.
One of the nurses came in and I told her that it was almost time. She checked the progress and patted my arm like I didn’t know what I was talking about. She said I had a few hours left. Well, she walked out of the door and I told Randy that it was TIME! Randy was as calm as could be and assured me that we could do this together. We didn’t call the nurses back. The lights were still low, and we had worship music playing softly in the background. We were alone and after a couple of pushes Randy held Miles as he entered the world. It was the most special day of my whole life. It was so beautiful. We got to bring Miles into the world just like we wanted to but with the protection of the hospital. Also, we didn’t get the “weird” stigma from having a home birth. (You know what I mean Pam!)
Anyway, all that to say that God was in control of Miles’s birth and God was in control of Miles’s death. I see both days as a gift. They were both beautiful and peaceful in their own ways. For that I’m thankful.

Thank you Lord for 6 years and your beautiful and mysterious plan.

My Precious Miles

2011-05-24T10:33:00.002-05:00

Here's Miles's obituary from the newspaper today. I think it came out beautiful. Thank you for all your prayers and sweet words during this time. Please keep them coming...Randy and I are so very sad and it's difficult to deal with all these details and plans. At the same time we've seen God use incredible people in our lives to make this easier and to make us feel loved. We're so humbled and thankful for that.

Here is all the funeral arrangements. I would love to see you if you can make it.
Funeral arrangements for Miles Wilson:
Visitation is 6 till 7 PM on Tuesday at Elmwood Funeral Home, 5750 HWY 277 S
Funeral service is Wednesday at 10:00 AM at FountainGate Fellowship, 909 N Willis.

Roller Coaster Kind of Day

2011-05-18T08:58:00.000-05:00

I had several eyewitnesses to my crazy day yesterday. I’ve written about the roller coaster around here before. Yesterday was like someone snatched up Miles and I, threw us in a roller coater seat, didn’t bother with a seatbelt and pushed the ON button then went for a long lunch break.
The day had started normal enough. I was juggling homeschool while I was trying to get myself and Miles ready to go watch the girl’s award ceremony at school. For a minute I thought I might not be able to make it because Miles was covered in mucus and just kept coughing stuff up and generally looked kind of miserable. I gave him some motrin and he perked up a bit.
We made it to the school on time and watched most of the award ceremony. Miles began to cough and couldn’t catch his breath so I took him out and hung out with my friend Krissy. Her son didn’t want to sit still or quiet so she had to take him out. Miles was breathing really hard. She mentioned how terrible he sounded. I’m pretty sure she said, “It’s not fair.” I agreed.
After the program Rachel and I decided to go eat lunch at Chick-fil-A with our kids. We had a nice long lunch together. Miles looked incredible! He was smiling and laughing. He was moving his legs around. His breathing sounded great. He was charming. We kept talking about how good he looked. We ended up seeing several people we knew there and they were happy to see Miles feeling well.
I left because I work at the church on Tuesday afternoons. I had Miles, Kalista and Spencer with me. They were going to do some of their school work at the church while I worked on some stuff for children’s church with Ruth and Christina. Well, just a few minutes on the road after leaving Chick-fil-a Miles began coughing up blood. Spencer was in the backseat with him and he began to shout for me to pull over. I pulled over and Miles had coughed up a blood clot about the length of my finger. He had blood coming from his mouth, covering his teeth yet somehow the kid was smiling!
I cleaned him up a little then got back in the car. I put the car into drive and he began coughing up more blood. It wasn’t a little spit up. The blood was hitting the seat in front of him. I got back out of the car, cleaned him up some more and tried to figure out what to do. He had only done this sort of thing one other time and it was back in December when the doctor ended up having to intubate him or he was going to drown to death in blood. Of course this thought really freaked me out since we’ve already firmly decided we’re not going that route again.
I called Ruth and told her what was going on. I was close to the church and pretty shaky so I decided to still go over there to calm down and I was hopeful that the bleeding had stopped. When I got inside I took him to the bathroom to clean him up a bit but he continued to cough up blood. Ruth and Christina prayed for him and we got back in the car and went home.
On the way home I called the hospice nurse to come and check on him. I called Tony to pick up Kalista. I called Randy and told him what was going on. Spencer and Kalista were incredible! They were so calm. They were a little scared but they were saying sweet things to Miles and to me. Kalista patted my back. Spencer kept trying to clean up the blood even though I told him he didn’t have to. Miles just kept coughing up more and more then his nose began to bleed as well. Kalista said, “We could pray for Miles!” We took turns praying. It was actually very touching to hear her pray for our family.
When we got home Randy arrived pretty quickly. Tony picked up Kalista, and then the nurse came. Two nurses actually ended up coming over. They THINK he busted a blood vessel in his esophagus. Although, with his history it’s hard to say exactly what the problem was. They told me to give him two different pain medications to keep him comfortable and asleep.
Miles continued to cough up blood for 3 hours before he finally fell asleep. We kept him on pain meds all through the night. He didn’t end up coughing any more blood for the rest of the day.
Along with all this junk he’s been having trouble with his g-tube. I actually have to take him to Ft. Worth today so it can be changed out. I would just cancel the appointment but I think it’s causing some problems too because well, I’m having trouble feeding him food, but even more than that yesterday blood and yellow stuff kept coming out of his button. Considering that has never happened I’m pretty sure it needs to be fixed. My goodness…where is my paycheck for all this nursing I’m doing???
Honestly, I’m a little nervous about how this day will go. I don’t want him to begin coughing up blood again on the way to Ft. Worth. I don’t want to cancel the appointment and find out that I’ve made a mistake. I certainly do not want to get stuck in Ft. Worth if I have some kind of emergency with him while I’m gone. I’ve decided I’m just going to go about my day like I’ve planned and I’m going to trust God that he will give me wisdom in each situation that may arise today. Hopefully there will not be any situations to need wisdom about.
So, the show must go on right…

When God Say Yes

2011-05-15T18:44:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning I got a text from Melody's teacher thanking me for sharing my story about Spencer and the tree being set in my driveway by God. She said that she was reading the book When God Says Yes and when she saw my name she was like, "I know her!" She said that it truly touched her heart.

As I read the text it took me a minute to understand what she was talking about! Then I asked her if the book was by Julia Loren and she replied yes.

So...here's the scoop!

About 3 years ago I went to a writer's conference with my friend Francesca all the way in CALIFORNIA (insert Arnold accent of course!) It was at Bethel Church, Bill Johnson's church in Redding. For a fee before the conference we had the opportunity to send Julia Loren a sample of our work beforehand and then she would read over it and meet with us at a specific time and give us pointers about our writing. I sent her several things that I had and then met with her during the conference. It was definitely a highlight of the conference. She liked my writing and my style. She had some book ideas for me, but I wasn't really interested in going those directions. She took special interest in a story I had written about Spencer and told me about a contest she was doing and said that I should consider submitting the story in the contest.

After I got home I looked up the information. Then I had to revamp the story to fit in the guidelines and submit it. I was so excited during the 2 weeks or so that I had to wait for the winners to be announced. She picked 3 winners from all the stories submitted. I was one of them! Not only was I one of the winners but I was also one of the only ones that didn't need to revise or edit my writing! (That probably only mattered to me, but I actually cared about that a lot!)

Well, my memory is a little fuzzy about the time frame but I remember that I was waiting for the book to come out around summer time, but it didn't happen. Then the book idea had turned into maybe a 4 book deal and my story had got moved to the 2nd book in the series that never made it to print. Periodically I would check her website to see if anything was happening, but life happened and it got pushed further and further from my mind. Every once in a while it would cross my mind, but mostly I forgot about it.

Then yesterday I got that text from Melody's teacher and I was so excited! I got online and started looking up the book at amazon.com and found it! I went to barnesandnoble.com and found it! I looked it up at Mardels.com and found it! I had butterflies in my tummy from the excitement. I had a house full of company so I couldn't just get out and buy it like I wanted to. I had to stay and eat the Best Breakfast Ever that my Mom had made! Then Randy and I hopped in the car and ran over to Mardel's to buy the book. Of course Randy had to tell the guy who helped us find the book that I was published in the book. (him being my number 1 fan ya know) Anyway, we stood in the aisle as I flipped through the book like a wild woman until there it was....my name...in black and white.

We took it up the front to pay for it, and the man that had already helped us was up there. Randy proceeded to brag about me some more so I got to tell the worker the story. Of course I enjoyed it while I acted super cool about it. : ) Isn't that what famous people are supposed to do?

On the way home Randy began to read the story to me as I drove. When we parked in front of the house I grabbed the book so I could finish reading the story. As I got to the end and it was talking about one day Miles walking into the arms of his big brother Spencer...I lost it. I cried so hard. After the year we've had with Miles and the miracle of him even being alive was so overwhelming. No, he wasn't walking, but he was alive which means there's still time for the miracle of walking!

I got to go inside and show off the book and read what I wrote to my family. Today I got to take it to church and show a few people. The whole thing has been very exciting.

Yes, it's only 3 pages. I know that. It's something though. It's a beginning. For several years now I've had the dream and I believe the promise that one day I will be a #1 Best Selling Author! This little published piece of writing in the middle of other authors like Bill Johnson, Heidi Baker, James Goll and Particia King was a delight to my day and it renewed hope in my heart for the future.

It's almost here...

2011-05-02T10:20:00.003-05:00

There's only a few more weeks of school left!

I'm really looking forward to the summer break. (The break...not the heat!)

I love having all the kids home so we can stay up late and sleep late. I love playing games with them and hanging out at the pool!

I'm about to successfully finish a whole year of Home Schooling! I never thought I would home school any of the kids. I didn't know how parents did that. Even with it being one of the worst years our family has ever been through Spencer still will finish his school year on time. That feels like a real accomplishment to me. We've had to double up the work a lot of days to make up for all the time I was in Ft. Worth with Miles, but we've done it. For the most part it has been a wonderful experience. I've been thankful to have so much quality time with Spencer. It hasn't all been pretty...school is not one of Spencer's favorite things, although the kid is a genius! The alarm clock is not his friend! I think maybe if we had school at 7:00 in the evening instead of the morning then he would like it a whole lot more. Unfortunately that is NOT possible around here!

Now Jocie totally wants to home school. She likes the idea of hanging out with me, cooking and getting her school work done quicker. We're not planning on doing it this coming year, but I'm not ruling it out forever. There's something very special about homeschooling.

So, it's my plan to enjoy these last few weeks of schooling although I'm ready for the break! I want to savor this time that Spencer and I have together before all the kids are home all day.

Table for 12

2011-04-28T13:49:00.005-05:00

I saw my first 2 episodes of TABLE OF 12. I ran across it on Netflix.

This family had a set of twins, another set of twins and then sextuplets!

Yes, I'm aware that the show isn't new, but it's new to me, and I was instantly interested in the show because we have some things in common:

**We both have large families.
**We both had our kids close together.
**The mom and I both stay at home.
**The parents actually like having a huge family.
**They also have a child with cerebral palsy.

YET THEY HAVE 5 MORE KIDS THAN ME!!! WOW!!

I've only seen two episodes so I'm not expert on the show but a few things struck me that I really liked.
I was never a fan of the Jon & Kate plus 8 show because there was so much negativity going on it the episodes I saw. The parents relationship was hard to watch on that show and...we saw how that worked out.

The Table for 12 couple seemed so genuine.

The main thing about the show that fascinated me was to see how the kids interacted with their sister that has cerebral palsy. They include her, carry her around and love on her. That's the way it is with Miles. If one kid is watching a movie then they make sure that Miles is watching the movie with them. They do that on their own. They include him. I think the episodes I watched highlighted that special relationship very well. I will admit that I teared up a couple of times about what the siblings had to say about their sister. It was touching.

I saw these episodes several days ago...I've been planning on watching a few more...However, keeping up with 5 kids doesn't allow for too much TV watching. I guess that means that the Table for 12 couple never gets to watch TV!

Sew What's Up?

2011-04-21T19:55:00.002-05:00

I've been sewing a lot lately. It's been great therapy! It's cheap, there's no calories, I get to give away the finished product, I feel creative, and I can do it at home. I like to couple sewing with funky beats from Pandora. Right now I'm jamming to Get Down on It from Kool & The Gang.

Sew...what's up with you?

Are you up to anything creative? If so what is it?

Testimony

2011-04-19T10:39:00.003-05:00

More than ever I know that God has a plan for Miles, and that there’s nothing I can do to hinder that plan or to speed that plan up.

In February Miles was so sick that the hospice nurses told us that Miles probably only had a few days left to live. That was the first time anything like that had been said about him. He was on oxygen 24 hours a day. He was on heavy doses of pain medication. He had stuff pouring out of him that looked and smelled like death. He was constantly asleep or crying in pain. It was the worst thing that I’ve ever had to endure. Every day seemed like 3 days. Randy and I were planning a funeral in hushed tones. Every time I bathed him I wondered if I was preparing his body for burial. Every time I kissed him goodnight I wondered if it were for the last time. I cried morning, noon and night. I even woke myself up one time because I was crying in my sleep. I got to the point that I was praying that he would die so he could finally be pain free.

BUT GOD…

But God had other plans. Without any antibiotics or steroids all the junk in Miles’s lungs cleared up. His heartbeat returned to normal. He no longer needed help with the oxygen. He no longer needed pain medication. For about a month he felt great, looked great and sounded great! The hospice nurses have been more than amazed! In their words it is “scientifically impossible” that he could have clear lungs. Miles didn’t just sound better than he did. He sounded completely clear. Miles’s lungs haven’t sounded completely clear in years! (not that I can actually remember him sounding completely clear!) Miles went from looking like he was going to die to looking like he was going to get up and start running around the house!

At this point I have no idea what God is going to do. About 2 weeks ago Miles started getting sick again. A week ago he began to get really congested and has even needed some pain medication here and there. Something has changed though. I’m not fearful. I’m not upset about it. I saw Miles was getting sick and out loud I said to God, “I trust you.” This morning Miles’s face was covered in crusty mucus and his lungs sound like trash, but I’m not scared. I’ve given Miles to God and I’m happy to take care of Miles as long as I have him. However, I don’t feel like it’s my job to keep him alive. I have real and true peace that passes all understanding.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a normal and relatively easy life. Then, I think about the people in the Bible. They didn’t make it into the Bible for having a normal and relatively easy life!

Will Miles live?
Will Miles die?
Will Miles be totally and completely healed?
With God all things are possible!

For to Miles, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ~Philippians 1:21

SWAGGER WAGON

2011-04-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

I LOVE THIS COMMERCIAL!

Next time you see Randy ask him to rock it out for you. : )

My Day

2011-04-15T09:38:00.004-05:00

This is what I'm doing today:

Get all of Miles's stuff done. (I'll spare you the details.)
Shower and get ready for the day.
I don't have to do Spencer's school today because he decided yesterday that he wanted us to Double Up so we did both days yesterday!
I'm volunteering at the school during lunch time so the teachers can have a lunch without kids today.
I've got to find someone to pick up 3 of my kids from school today because I have an appointment at the same time.
I'm going to go to the church and set up the 3rd & 4th grade classroom for Sunday.
I've got to take Spencer to the ear, nose and throat specialist to get a granuloma removed or a consult to get it removed. I'm not sure what all that entails. (I had taken him to the doctor this week because it looked like a mole that he has on his face had turned black but the doc said it wasn't a mole...it was a granuloma.) Whatever the heck that is.
Then I've got to get back home to pick up kids or drop off kids and go to the grocery store because we're out of Everything!!!

And that's what I'm doing today.

Holland

2011-04-14T11:59:00.003-05:00

I read this poem several years ago. I've continue to think about it on and off. It's so true.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Coffee...

2011-03-31T10:01:00.008-05:00

My friend Jesse put something on Facebook today that totally cracked me up. He said, "When someone says "I don't like coffee" I just hear "I hate babies, Jesus and feelings like love & happiness." That made me think about when I started liking coffee.

I've always liked the smell of coffee, but I didn't actually like coffee until I was 26 or 27. When I was pregnant with Miles, Randy and I got to go on a mission trip to the Czech Republic. We were there for 10 days. I want to go back! Like right this minute!
Everyday while we were there our group and the people that were leading us around would stop for coffee sometime in the late afternoon. I don't remember what day into the trip Randy and I decided to try the coffee, but we've been drinking it every since. We're not crazy coffee drinkers that have to have it before conversations in the morning. We actually don't even have it everyday. Although I've been having everyday lately. : )

Soon after we returned from the Czech Republic we went to K-Mart and bought a coffee pot, cute mugs & creamers. We went back home, put all our children to bed, opened up the box, set up the coffee machine, made coffee, drank coffee and THEN an hour later we were still awake and not tired at all. THEN an hour later we were laughing wildly while we jumped on the trampoline at midnight. Yeah, I was still pregnant at the time! HMMMM....do you think the coffee was making us stay up??? We literally had no idea that coffee would do that to us!

Well, recently I realized that Randy had been avoiding coffee. Then the other day he ordered Decaf at a restaurant. I asked him what the deal was and he told me that he didn't like the jittery feeling from coffee so he hasn't been drinking it. I also feel the same way. I only have a tiny little cup of coffee when I drink it in the morning or else I get the "crazies."

Because I get the crazies & because Spencer has been drinking coffee with me in the mornings I have been making it weak. 1.) So I wouldn't get the crazies. 2.) So Spencer wouldn't get too much caffeine. 3.) So I could drink more.

When I found out that Randy wanted decaf and I've already been making the coffee weak I went ahead and switched from

to this:

Half-Caff!!! That should have worked right???

Well, here's the deal. Since purchasing the Half-Caff I've gone from making very weak coffee to making really strong Half-Caff and now I'm actually drinking more caffeine than I was before! Thus, making the purchase useless.

Speaking of coffee...Look what Randy surprised me with yesterday...

What a man! I love him! He makes me feel loved!

AnyWho...Me Likey the Coffee Jesse! and babies and Jesus and feelings of love & happiness!

Still thinking about it...

2011-03-28T20:57:00.004-05:00

Big Big Decision for me to make!

I've seriously been considering trying nurse care again. For those that remember my Psycho Nurse Experience you'll know why this is such a big deal to me. You may think that "Psycho Nurse" is too harsh of a term, but it's my blog and my experience so the name "Psycho Nurse" stays. : )

I could have been getting help from a nurse all this time, but I've enjoyed taking care of Miles. However, these last 6 months have been draining physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I think both Miles and I could benefit from some help. I've been debating and praying about this for a month. I've needed some things to fall into place before deciding to do it, and all of them have gone through.

Today I made a call and have at least started the process. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm not in a hurry really. I'm planning on having someone here from 8 in the morning until 12. That's 20 hours a week. It's not really going to give me any extra time, however, it will take a lot of work off my plate. I will be homeschooling Spencer while the nurse does all Miles's morning stuff. For example: catheter, enema, breathing treatments, shaker, food, bath, get him dressed, diapering, brush teeth, hand splints, medicines, standing frame lotion, clean up. I do these things in between what I'm doing with Spencer. So like I said, it won't give me extra time, but it will be so nice to have all those things done. A good thing about these hours are if the nurse can't show up for the day it's really not going to be that big of a deal. I will still be at home so I will do the work for the day.

This time I will do things differently.
Of course I will be nice, but I won't be looking for a friend.
If a nurse doesn't work out for our family I will change to another one.
If it doesn't work out then I will just do it all myself again.

I was talking to Rachel about this the other day. She said that it sounded like I was expecting them to send a Carnie to my house. : ) Hopefully that won't happen. I've just been praying. I know if it's the Lord's plan for me to have some help from a nurse that He has the perfect one planned out for us. I would love prayer about this situation. This is a really big deal for me. I would not even consider getting nurse care for a very long time. Randy and I felt extremely violated by the previous nurse. I've had time to heal and I know I'm at a place where help would make a lot of difference in my daily life.

I will keep you updated.

Nook

2011-03-28T10:16:00.004-05:00

Recently my awesome friend Jennifer gave me a NOOK. It's Barnes & Nobles version of the Kindle. I have wanted a Kindle for YEARS! I've now had the Nook for a few weeks and I can't believe how much I love it! It's small enough to fit in my purse so I can take it with me all the time. When I'm waiting for Joey to get to the car I can pull out the Nook and read. The other night when Randy had to "run into Lowes" I had something to read. I'm plowing through books with this thing!

Yesterday I was looking through Barnes & Nobles "Steals 'n' Deals" and I found something incredible! For .99 cents I was able to buy 25 Favorite Novels! For .99 cents I bought 6,262 pages of the classics! How is that possible??? The books are:

Pride & Prejudice
Sense and Sensibility
Emma
Mansfield Park
Persuassion
Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Avolea
Anne of the Island
Pollyanna
Little Women
Little Men
Jo's Boys
Jane Eyre
Wuthering Heights
The Call of the Wild
The Secret Garden
A Little Princess
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
The Scarlet Letter
The House of the Seven Gables
Wives and Daughters
Sons and Lovers
The Scarlet Pimpernel
O Pioneers!
My Antonia

It amazes me that I can own all of those books for just .99 cents. I can pull out the Nook from my purse and instantly be able to read these incredible books. My girls love some of these books too so it's been fun for them to use. Joey even did some laundry the other day to earn enough money to buy a Star Wars book for the Nook, which he ended up reading within 2 days! : )

Anyway, I'm thankful for the gift and have enjoyed it very much.

Awww!

2011-03-23T11:19:00.003-05:00

What is this feeling I have?

Is. It....?

Could it possibly be...

I think it is.

I...Feel....Normal.

Oh My God in Heaven! I feel Normal!

WIll it last? Don't know. As I click PUBLISH NOW will the feeling go away and my life turn back upside down? I don't know. Miles has been feeling good the last several days. Will he crash again? I have no idea.

However, I do know that right now, in this moment. I feel normal. I feel like myself. My world feels right and good. I have some Yellow in my Blue if you will. (E)

IT FEELS GOOD!

I'm going to hurry and go shave my legs while all is right with the world.

Ramblings...

2011-03-15T09:30:00.002-05:00

I don't really have much to say, but I can't stand that vomit picture on the previous post so I'm just trying to take up some space so I don't have to see that photo when I check out my blog to see if anyone commented. : )

Spring Break is here. We have nothing planned and that in itself is lovely. I went to bed at 11:30 last night and the kids were still up doing whatever they were doing. It's 9:33 in the morning and they're all still asleep so I have the beautiful sound of silence going on in my home. Even the dog is still snuggled up on top of the boys sleeping.

I love a good schedule. If I had to pick schedule or no schedule I would pick schedule, but it's so nice to get a break from it too. Randy and some of the kids went to go eat ice cream at 10:00 last night. They had so much fun. Those are the kinds of things you can do without a schedule. I do feel bad for Randy though in times like these. We keep him up way too late and he leaves for work when we're all still asleep. We may go to San Angelo one day this week. We love making day trips there. It's only a little over an hour to get there. We like to go to all the shops downtown. Also, they have the best thrift store called Christians in Action. It's the size of a Wal-Mart but filled with strange and wonderful and cheap things. I don't even like to go to San Angelo if I can't go to that store. One time I went there Randy bought me a bulk of greeting cards. For about $40 he bought almost 2,000 cards! I had so much fun sorting them into categories. I have them in my storage building and when I need a card I just go get one. I'm covered for all Birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, First Communions, Weddings, Pastor Appreciations, Thanksgiving...and Many More! : ) Just knowing that I have them makes me very happy!

I've been feeling crafty lately. It's helped me to keep my mind off the doom and gloom around here. I've been making aprons. I won't talk too much about that now because I may write a post on it soon.

I had a friend call me today to tell me that she dreamed about Miles all night. He was talking and adorable. That's the third person that has told me they've dreamed about Miles and he was walking and talking. The way things are looking I would not be surprised if that's what ends up happening. I have come to the place where I know nothing. I don't know what God has planned for Miles, but I know He's big enough to make those plans happen with or without me. I'm all for Miles walking and talking! Bring it on!

My friend Jennifer brought me over a special surprise on Saturday! She gave me the NOOK. It's Barnes and Nobles version of the Kindle. It's so cool. Joey and I have been trading it off back and forth. It makes reading convenient. Plus it made me feel loved. You can get through anything with friends, family and a church like mine!

I guess that's all for the rambling.

Roller Coaster!!!!

2011-03-11T10:31:00.010-06:00

I've never really liked Roller Coasters. I enjoy going to Six FLags. I enjoy a lot of the rides, but I don't like the big roller coasters.

It's not that I'm afraid of...

I just don't like the feeling I get when I ride them. I don't like being scared. I don't like the feeling of my stomach bottoming out. I don't like leaving the seat. I don't like hitting my head. I just don't like it Sam I Am.

It all started back as a child at the West Texas Fair and Rodeo. My step-dad made me ride THE ZIPPER with my brother Chris. I had already taken a good look at the ride and decided that I wasn't interested in it. This picture doesn't do The Zipper that I rode justice. This looks like a nice and clean ride.

This ride looks like it's been maintained, painted and put together by some fine engineers that really care about safety.

The Zipper I rode looked like it was put together by this guy.

I really didn't want to get on the ride. I cried. I pleaded. I was given an ultimatum: Get On The D@*^ Ride or You're Going Home!

SO I got on the ride.
Yep, I hated it. I actually hated it more than I thought I would hate it. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die. It was that I KNEW I was going to die! I actually heard parts rolling around in the cart with us. The door kept flapping open a little. I was being turned upside down against my will. I was holding onto my little brother for dear life. I was hoping that his life could be spared. When the ride was stopping we were the ones to get stuck at the top while everyone else was getting their freedom. I'm not sure why this happened but we were skipped when we made it to the ground. They had to make it go around once more before they let us out. I was mad as a hornet when I got out. I was white as a ghost and my knees were shaking. Nope, not my thing.

I did ride roller coasters after that, but I didn't like it. Several years ago I was at Six Flags with Randy and one or two of the boys and I had a revelation...I Don't Have To Go On the Roller Coasters If I Don't Want To!!! It was so freeing! I didn't care if they wanted to go on them, and I didn't mind waiting in line with them. I just didn't have to go on them if I didn't want to. Six Flags became fun for me again!

Well, for the last 5 months I have felt like my life is a ROLLER COASTER!
Miles has almost died so many times right before my eyes.
He's turned colors.
He's had so much trouble breathing I could hear him in the other room.
He's been in terrible pain.
The hospice nurses told me at one time that Miles probably only had a few days to live.
That was 3 weeks ago!
His lungs have been slushy with pneumonia.
They've also been clearer than they've been in years.
He's been on crazy doses of pain medication.
He's also had days where he looks completely fine.
He's been on oxygen for 24 hours a day.
Some days he doesn't need it at all.
One day his heart could beat so fast it seems it will beat right out of his chest.
The next day his heart rate could be normal.
Today he's smiling and having the best day he's had in months.
A couple of days ago his hospice nurse quadrupled his pain medication because she saw him in so much pain.
Today he's pain free.
When I get up in the morning I feel like this:

I don't know what to expect. In the mornings I don't know if Miles is going to be in pain, covered in mucus, barely breathing, dead or feeling great and alert. I really have no idea.
It's like I'm being forced back into THE ZIPPER even though I already declared that I hate roller coasters and that I don't want to get on.

This Roller Coaster with Miles makes THE ZIPPER seem like:

The Ups and Downs the High and Lows...I hate it. I want off.

I've decided that God obviously has a plan for Miles. I've also decided that there's nothing I can do to hinder that plan or to speed up that plan. I just wish that God would clue me in on part of the plan so I don't feel like this everyday:

Jocie & Melody

2011-03-04T08:45:00.002-06:00

I overheard the cutest conversation between Jocie and Melody the other day. They were in my room brushing their hair before school. I was still laying in bed and pretending to be asleep. : )

Jocie (matter of fact) : I'm praying for Joey today because he has his TAKS test today.

Melody (matter of fact) : I'm praying for Miles.

Jocie (a little irritated) : Well, if Joey doesn't pass his TAKS test then he can't even go to the 8th grade!

Melody (a little exasperated) : WELL, if Miles doesn't get better then he can't even go to school! And he needs to go to school so he can learn more about God!

Jocie (matter of fact) : Miles already knows about God.

Melody (matter of fact) : Well, he needs to learn more about God than just people praying for him!

They were actually arguing over which brother needed more prayer that day. So cute.

Why is one girl in a t-shirt and the other in a sweater???

Precious Jocie

2011-02-24T10:22:00.004-06:00

Last night Jocie sat down in Miles's room and wrote him a letter, but she wrote it to Miles from God's perspective. I saw her working on it and after awhile I heard her sniffling and then later crying. I didn't interrupt her. I just let her work out her emotions. When she was done she brought it to me so I could read it. No shocker here...but I cried like a baby. When she brought it to me I was in the bathroom getting Miles's pain medications pre-made for the night. After I read it she started crying so hard and told me that she was scared that Miles was going to die. I sat down (on the closed toilet) and we held each other and cried and talked for a long time. She has such a tender heart. Here's her note to Miles:

Dear Miles, I hope you get better. I've been praying for you so much. I feel very very sorry. I truly know that deep down in the bottom of you're heart you love me. I see you every day and I know how you feel. I can't stop thinking about you. I pray that you will be able to run, and jump, and walk, and talk, and tell how you feel. I will keep you safe through a fire, a tornado, a earthquake, a hurricane, and every other dangerous in you're life that may hurt you. Once again I hope you get better. You're Creator God XOXOX

Later she put the paper in our jar. It was a very special time together and I think it helped her to talk it out.

My Sweet Spencer

2011-02-23T17:04:00.006-06:00

A couple of hours ago I wrote my previous post, and all those things are still going on, but at the same time I'm not only Miles's mom. I'm also Joey's mom and Spencer's mom and Jocie's mom and Melody's mom.

We live very close to a Dollar General. The kids really enjoy walking over there as soon as they get a dollar. However, Spencer LOVES going over there. After we got our schoolwork finished today I gave him a couple of dollars (something I VERY RARELY do) so he could go over to Dollar General. He went over there while I went to pick the other kids up from school.

When I came back home there was a note in the entry way from Spencer that read: To Mommy, I put 3 boxes around the house and stuck stuff in them. When you find them all you can open and have what's inside. From, Spencer

Does this kid know my love language or what??? Gifts & Surprises!!!
Here are the boxes! He made them!

He made them out of Leggos!!! That means extra points for creativity!

Here's Spencer after I found all three boxes. How adorable is that face?

And what happened to be in the box??? My favorite candy!!! They only come around at Easter time and I tend to eat way too many of them! Cadbury Bunny Eggs! You either love them or hate them. I love them. I haven't had one this season so I was pumped!

What a special treat. I'm a blessed woman. My days lately are the hardest and sweetest days I've ever had.

Mini Update

2011-02-23T12:25:00.002-06:00

Man, where would I begin if I tried to lay out the details of my life right now?

There's plenty of heart wrenching things I could tell you. It's a heavy tale with mucus, blood, oxygen, drugs and sadness.

Maybe I will write down the details soon. Maybe I won't.

At the same time there's a wonderful tale with love, gifts, food, van, visits and singing.

The hospice nurses have said that Miles probably only has a few days left. A mother's heart does not process this well. I've had so many people check on me, do nice things for my family and come by to love on my sweet son. With each act of kindness it feels like ministering angels coming to heal my soul.

This is the worst thing I've ever had to do. Miles is now on pain medication 24 hours a day. For about an hour last night he was only taking in breaths about every 5 seconds. I'm pretty sure the other day when I got him out of the bath he stopped breathing. He turned completely white and limp. It was so frightening.

I love him so much. I can't imagine not having him. The other night I crawled into bed with him and fell asleep with my head on his shoulder. I was just laying there holding him and wanting to soak him into me so I could keep him forever. I just wanted to feel him so close to me.

PLEASE PRAY FOR US! We need PEACE. I need PEACE. My husband needs PEACE. My 4 other children need PEACE. My sweet Miles needs PEACE in his body.

Mr. & Mrs. S

2011-02-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” ~Romans 8:35-37

This scripture is so fitting for us right now. Although Randy and I often feel like everything in our life that can be shaken is being shaken we continue to see God show our family favor. There have been many small kindnesses shown to us that have really added up. There have also been some BIG things that have happened that has helped to make this sad time in our lives full of love and sweetness. For Instance:

While I was at the hospital with Miles in Ft. Worth during December Randy had gone to Lowes one day to buy some materials for a job he was working on. While he was there he saw his old principal from Lincoln Middle School. Let’s pause and remember how long ago Randy was in middle school. It was over 20 years ago! Not only did Randy recognize him, but he also went and said hi to him. This is something I would probably never do! He’s like that though. Anyway, he went up to Mr. S and introduced himself and explained that he used to be one of his students at Lincoln. The man was glad to see him although they did not know each other back then. Mr. S asked if Randy had a family and Randy told him that he was married and had 5 kids. They chatted for a minute and then Randy said goodbye because he had to go buy the materials for work. As Randy walked off Mr. S called back to him and asked, “So, how is your family?”

Considering where we were at the time Randy thought that was very interesting. Since Mr. S asked, Randy told him about how sick Miles was and that we were in the hospital in Ft. Worth. Mr. S said that he would pray for Miles. Randy thanked him and then went about his business.

Later that day Randy received a voicemail on his cell phone from MRS. S. The message asked Randy to please call her back because she heard about our family. Randy called her back and she was very kind. She wanted to know the other kid’s names and ages and stuff like that. Randy finally asked her how in the world she got his cell phone number because he had not given it to Mr. S and we don’t advertise. She asked, “Are you really going to make me answer that?” Randy said, “I guess not.”

Anyway, she asked if her and Mr. S could come over to our house that evening so they could meet him and the other kids. He said they could come over, and they did. The couple came to our house and talked to the kids. They asked if we had a “place of worship” and before they left they gave Randy an envelope with $300 cash in it! They had felt like God had directed them to do it and they were obedient. Before they left Randy asked Mrs. S again how she got his number but she basically said, “If I told you I would have to kill you.” I guess the $300 bought his silence because he didn’t make her divulge her sources.

I was so impressed with how brave they were. They didn’t just find out where we lived and drop an envelope in our mailbox. They came to our house and talked with our family, and I’m sure they were prepared to invite us to church if we didn’t already have one. It was so generous of them! You know everyone can use extra money in December! Randy was able to buy groceries and to give some to the kids to spend on Christmas presents. They had a lot of fun with that. Most of all though it made us feel taken care of! These people were complete strangers to us and yet they were used by God to make us feel like he was still so close to us.

THEN about 2 weeks ago I was doing home school with Spencer when my cell phone rang. It was Mrs. S. She started to explain who she was and I told her I knew who she was and I was able to thank her for her generosity. (I still had not met her and we hadn’t heard from them since that night.) Well, she told me that her and Mr. S had still been praying for our family and they felt like they were supposed to OPEN UP SAVINGS ACCOUNTS FOR ALL OF OUR CHILDREN!!! Do I need to remind you about how many children we have? FIVE! Yes! FIVE!

Today Randy met Mr. S at the bank while the savings accounts were being opened! Several times Mrs. S said that she wished they could have put a 100 times more money in there than they could, but that hopefully it will grow into more. They plan on adding to it here and there. Also, the kids can add their own money to the account. This definitely had Joey’s wheels turning! Poor Jocie though, she just “didn’t get” why you would want to money in the bank that you couldn’t spend! She was cracking us up. She was so confused with the whole thing. Melody was asking if buying Baby Dolls was a good reason to pull money out of her savings. (No) Joey tried explaining the whole process to the girls after Randy and I had given up. I wish I could have the whole conversation recorded because it was so humorous.

Anyway, I’m so thankful for Mr. & Mrs. S for their faithfulness and their generosity. I feel so inspired by them. Their obedience has made us feel taken care of by God. I think it’s so neat that the Lord used perfect strangers to show us his presence in our lives. Yesterday I saw a book called “God Winks.” It looked cheesy so I didn’t buy it, but it was about these sorts of situations where God shows up in “coincidences” to show you His love.

Thank you Lord for that sweet WINK! Use me to WINK for you!!!

Happy Love Day!

2011-02-14T17:56:00.001-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day my Lovely Friends! Here's a sweet picture of my Valentine!

All You Need is LOVE

2011-02-13T21:48:00.006-06:00

This is one LOVED little Boy!

Jennifer's Gift

2011-02-12T11:19:00.002-06:00

Well, I gave

her present last night! I've decided not to divulge what I gave her because if you had won I wouldn't have given you the same thing. It was something for her that I knew she would love.

I will tell you though that I heard , "Oh No You Di' INT!" and some of my favorite words, "BEST PRESENT EVER!!!"

Again, thank you for all the lovely words of encouragement! I will keep them forever!

And the winner is...

2011-02-11T13:37:00.006-06:00

Yesterday a new American Classified (It will always be Thrifty Nickel to me) came out and there was a sweet sweet ad in there FOR ME!!! Randy, who apparently is the sweetest husband ever put this note in there for me and then took me to eat lunch yesterday and let me find it in the paper by telling me "hot and cold." How sweet is that? It was very fun. "You get your name in the pape and you're famous!" (quote from Newsies)

Anyway, I know you want to know who the winner is!!!!! I put all your names on a pretty piece of paper and then picked one out of a bag.(Carolyn got 2 just like I told her she would!) Before I reveal the winner...I just want to say that ALL OF YOUR WORDS MEANT SO MUCH TO ME! They made me feel so good! I love you all!

THE WINNER IS...

My Funny Jennifer! She is basically the Polar Opposite of me! That's probably why we're such good friends! I've seen her grow and mature in so many areas. She's always striving to be more than she is today. Several years ago I had the honor of baptizing her in Clyde Lake! I love her so much and I know if anyone messes with me she's the one I can call if I need someone to be Throat Punched!

I will show you the prize she gets after she receives it!!! (Which will be tonight.)

Again, THANK YOU FOR THE AMAZING WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!!!!

If You Want Me To

2011-02-09T10:33:00.005-06:00

Song by Ginny Owens
She’s a singer/songwriter who also plays the piano and also happens to be completely blind. She says that her music comes from pages in her journal. Today it felt like it came out of my own journal. This song is old. We’ve had it for a long time, but it came alive again today when I was taking care of Miles who happened to look like this:

If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you
I’m going to walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I’m not who I was when I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley if you want me to

**
Don't forget to sign up on the Fun Giveaway post for your chance to win a super prize!!! Contest will end on Friday!

Fun Giveaway!!!!

2011-02-07T13:49:00.005-06:00

Raise your hand if you LOVE winning stuff!!!

I know my hand is raised!

The great thing is that I often win things. Apparently I've also passed this down to my son Spencer. Pretty much if Spencer or I have signed up for something you would like to win you might as well give up because one of us will probably win. Sometimes I even have to pray someone else will win a prize because I don't want to win every prize everywhere. I want others to be blessed too. : ) Hey! I've actually done that before!

Anyway, here's the deal. I know you like prizes and I like COMMENTS and WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. Soooooo...here's the deal:

Leave me a comment on my blog (preferably) or my Facebook status that links to my blog (acceptable) telling me how much you adore me, my writing, my kids, ~~my mechanic skills~~, my husband...whatever and your name will go into a drawing for an AWESOME SUPER DUPER PRIZE!!!

Here's the deal: I'm not telling what the prize is because I don't know who will be the winner yet. Let me assure you though, I have great gift giving skills! I've got a few ideas going, but it all depends on who will win! I've got man prizes and women prizes in mind!!! I've even got a Pam Prize in mind if she wins!

New and old readers can enter to win! I will mail out of town winners.

I will do the drawing Friday sometime because most good things happen on Fridays don't ya think?

**If you don't have a blogger account it's really easy to sign up so you can comment on blogs all the time!**

Peace one Piece at a Time

2011-02-04T08:49:00.007-06:00

Obviously I've been having a hard time about Miles lately. Usually I pride myself on not being much of a "crier." I can probably officially quit saying that. I can't remember a time in my whole life where I've cried even before getting out of bed (besides the last couple of weeks.) I'm not even depressed. I'm just heartbroken.

ANYWAY! I don't plan it being one of those crying posts.

My point is the other day I had a lovely Hobby Lobby gift card given to me. Have I ever mentioned my LOVE for gift cards? Oh I love the free money feeling! I usually hold onto them and dream about what I will spend it on. On Monday of this week I knew the snow was a-comin'. So I asked my mother in law if she could watch the kids a little while so I could go to Hobby Lobby. As I look back I'm thinking that my time could have been more wisely spent buying groceries for the family since we are out of everything now, but I had no idea the snow would still be around! Honestly, I think I spent my time very wisely. The "fruit" from my Hobby Lobby trip has brought a fruit of the spirit back to me that I had been missing for awhile...PEACE.

While I was shopping I didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to buy. I was just looking around. I found a glass craft cube. I've looked at them before but never knew what I would do with them. They were half off (my love language) and as I held it a scripture came to mind where it talks about how God's thoughts about us are more numerable than the grains of sand. That's what I had been feeling about the number of thoughts/fears I've had about Miles lately. As I held the glass cube I had an idea...or an idea was given to me. You pick.

I thought about getting the jar and some bright colored trinkets and putting a trinket in the cube every time I thought about Miles as sort of a way to release my fears into the cube. Is this feeling too new-agey for you? I admit it sounds a little hokey, but it's really helped me. I went down every aisle at Hobby Lobby just looking for different things that caught my eye (and that were half off) to put in the cube. I found several things and made it home right before the winter storm started to come down.

The first thing I did was look up Psalm 139. I knew that's where the scripture was about the grains of sand. I looked it up, and copied it by hand on a piece of paper. That in itself was healing. With every verse I was meditating on it with God's view of Miles. My heart felt lighter and lighter as I copied the verse. It reminded me that God knew every day of Miles's life before the foundations of the world was laid.

In the last few days I've been putting things in the cube when I've felt fearful about Miles, thankful for Miles, when I've prayed for him and when I feel a little crazy about this situation. I've been repeating God's word back to Him regarding Miles and I've found strength in that.

I've been putting in some of the trinkets I bought at Hobby Lobby, but also stuff around the house. If I'm in the other room and catch myself worrying or praying I will pick something up from the room and go put it in the cube. Every time I drop something in there I feel a release. Yesterday I went to bed and realized I had gone the whole day without crying! Now, usually that wouldn't have been a huge accomplishment for me, but it was yesterday and I was happy about it.

So, we don't have any groceries, but I do have more peace, and that's a heck of a lot better than a refrigerator full of food!

Snow Fun!

2011-02-03T09:05:00.006-06:00

Snow Days, No School, 5 Kids, No TV. What to do?

We've played board games, made flip books, sewed, carved people out of soap, played leggos, homeschooled together, chased our dog after she caught her first bird and proudly brought it in the house to show her family, made cards, took naps AND...

A friend of mine named Toy posted on Facebook a great idea. She suggested filling up water guns with food colored water to play with in the snow. I loved the idea but we don't have any water guns. Then I remembered all the huge syringes that Miles has for feedings. I surprised the kids with water colored syringes. If you look at the picture I put a regular sized syringe in there so you could tell just how big the other ones really are. They had a lot of fun with it.

Love Days Like These!

Miles isn't in to snow. He stayed snugly warm in his bed.

My Spencer

2011-01-31T18:50:00.003-06:00

Today was a rough homeschool day. Spencer just wasn't "feelin' it." He kept getting easily frustrated. I tried being patient, but it just kept going on, and then he began to be rude to me. He was acting like I was punishing him by making him do his school work. I finally told him that if he was rude to me or even gave me another ugly look that he would have to finish the day's school work on his own. Well, it happened. I didn't say a word. I just looked at the rest of the lessons, which only happened to be science and history and wrote out what he had to do to complete the work. I also told him that I didn't deserve to be treated in that way.

I think he was a little shocked by the whole thing. He told me he was sorry and I forgave him. He didn't throw a fit. He took it like a Champ and did all the work by himself, AND WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE!

As if that wasn't awesome enough...When I came home from picking up the other kids from school he had a surprise for me! He had gone to Dollar General (he had permission from his Grandma who was watching him) and with his own money bought me this:

He told me he was sorry for how he had treated me!

Tears filled my eyes. He had the sweetest face!

I'm so blessed to have the children that I do! Thank you Lord for each one of them and their sweet and tender hearts!

Mark 14:32-36

2011-01-30T15:23:00.002-06:00

The last couple of days I've been praying for Miles a lot more differently than I have for the last 6 years. I've always prayed for healing. I've always prayed for the miraculous. I've always tried to believe against all the odds that Miles would be healed. The last few days that has not been my prayer. I've been praying that God would heal Miles or that God would take Miles. His body is so tired. Right now he's laying in my lap as I type. He was hurting so bad earlier that I had to give him medicine so he could rest. He's not tolerating food very well. Yesterday we could only give him a few ounces of Pediasure. His button just keeps leaking because his food isn't being digested so it sits in his tummy and won't let anymore go in.
All that to explain how my prayers have been different. I keep picturing Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Today I looked up in the Bible where Jesus is praying in the Garden and the words I read felt so familiar to my spirit.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane

32 They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” 33 He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. 34 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
35 He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. 36 “Abba, Father,”[h] he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
Mark 14:32-36

Don't freak out on me here. I'm not saying that what I'm going through is just like what Jesus was about to go through, but it is about suffering. Jesus knew what he was about to have to endure and it said that Jesus was deeply troubled and distressed. That is how I feel. I've been deeply troubled and distressed! I'm holding Miles and thinking about the very real possibility that he will die soon and I want that "awful hour to pass me by." At the same time I know that unless Jesus heals Miles while still on earth the only thing that will bring peace to Miles's body is death. That's a cup of suffering that I would like God to take away from me. Yet, I want God's will to be done, not mine.

I have to believe that it's not God's will to allow Miles to suffer much longer. What glory could this pain bring to God? As much as I love Miles I have to believe that God loves him infinitely more. My screen is so blurry right now because of the big tears that keep filling up in my eyes.

It's very possible that Miles will keep going. He's been through so much and yet, he's still alive. Not only is he still alive, but he also still manages to have a smile on his face a lot of times. (There's a sermon in there somewhere!)

Please pray that God will have mercy on Miles's body and heal him quickly or quickly allow him to die peacefully. God's will be done, not mine.

The Little Engine that Could.

2011-01-28T09:05:00.003-06:00

Today I'm empathizing with The Little Engine that Could.

I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN.

On a Lighter Note...

2011-01-26T20:58:00.003-06:00

Okay, on a much lighter note I will give you a breakdown of my Top 10 Favorite Movies.

I'm telling you if I owned all 10 of these movies it's very possible that I would not have much need to watch another movie again. I actually own a few of them and watch them all the time. The list looks like what a typical gay man might also like to watch and I'm fine with that. I love me a good musical! You may be wondering if Randy shares my love for musicals. Well, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you his business on here, so privately if you wanted to ask him the lyrics to any of the movies listed below I think you may find your answer. (I know for a fact though that he's not a gay man.)

Just looking up the pictures for these DVD's (which are all available from Amazon.com if you decide you must have them as well) made me feel good and happy inside.

With no further ado (that's the sort of thing they say in Musicals) I give you my FAVORITES!!!

What are a few of your movies that would make your Top 10?

How's Miles?

2011-01-24T14:32:00.001-06:00

Ok, here I go being brave and courageous.

Here’s something I’ve wanted everyone to know, but just haven’t known how to sugar coat it enough until now. The truth is that I don’t know a sugar sweet enough to cover up this bitter.

I hate being a Debbie Downer like a Dentist hates telling a patient she’s out of Novocain.

It’s just not me. I’m an eternal optimist. I see the glass half full. I see the world through rose-colored lenses. I’m happy-go-lucky. I have the joy of the Lord.

However, here’s the deal…Miles is not doing well. I know. Shocker right? The thing is that when I say he’s not doing well; I mean that he actually may not live much longer. Maybe he will live for years and years. Of course that’s a possibility. It just doesn’t look like that will be the outcome.

Wait! There’s more.

A couple of weeks after we came back from Ft. Worth I began the process of enrolling Miles in Hospice. I’ve been dreading everyone knowing that, yet I’ve also longed for everyone to know. I’ve felt very lonely in this decision. It’s not really something you post on Facebook. Brandi Wilson has just enrolled her 6 year old son in Hospice. It’s also not something I would tell someone when they ask me, “How’s Miles?” I’ve told a couple of people, but they had to hear the whole explanation behind it. I guess I’ve been fearful of what people would think about the situation if they didn’t hear our heart behind our decision.

The truth is that it’s been a heart wrenching month and a half for us, but for me especially. It’s different being the mama. Call me naive or faithful, but up until very recently I still held fast to the thought that God would heal Miles. I thought he would be restored. I thought God would give him a new brain or heal the one he has. I thought I would walk into Miles’s room one day to find him running around and messing with all the stuff in his room. I’ve longed for it, prayed for it, fasted for it, begged for it, sobbed for it, threw a fit for it, and nothing has worked. He’s just gotten sicker. He’s just gotten weaker. He’s lost more and more of his limited functions.

In December the things I saw him go through were horrifying. I still have flashes of different scenes that continue to flash through my mind. Projectile bleeding, panic in his eyes, intubation, blood transfusions, flying to the children’s hospital, blood clots, the meeting where Randy and I signed the Do Not Resuscitate form, watching the nurses take out Miles’s breathing tube and waiting to see if he would live or die, Rachel and I watching Miles turn terrible shades of purple as he fought to breathe. Believe me…the list goes on.

Most of the things I’ve dealt with and have seen I wouldn’t even want you to be able to understand how I feel. They’re too sad. They’re too consuming. Even more than that though, I don’t want Miles to have to go through anything like that again. He’s tired. There’s nothing else I can ask him to do. There’s not another hospital I want him to have to go to. I don’t want him to have to endure any longer. For a long time Miles had more good days than bad days. That’s not the case any more.

In the last month I’ve seen Miles almost die 3 times. One of those times was at home the day after I enrolled him in Hospice Care. He was having carbon monoxide poisoning from too much oxygen. Crazy.

Today a Hospice nurse had to come and check on him because he’s so sick. His lungs are filled with liquid, he’s having so much trouble breathing, he’s coughing up crazy junk, and when he opens his eyes they’re full of panic because he can’t get enough air. The nurse said he has pneumonia again. When she left she planned on calling the pediatrician to see what pain meds he should be on so he will be more comfortable. He could go into the hospital, but we’ve decided to keep him home and make sure he’s as comfortable as he can be.

I’m a wreck. I didn’t know if my son was going to be alive this morning when I laid him down to bed last night. I got up to check his stats at 2:00 in the morning. I’m holding him while I can in case he’s not around to hold much longer. I’m typing this in his room while I watch him breathe hard and while listening to the oxygen machine make it’s noise and the monitors make their beeping noise, and there’s nothing I can do to make all this stop. There’s not a pause button I can push while I home school Spencer or make jello treats for when the other kids come home from school or when I have to do laundry or when Randy wants time with his wife or when…

That’s probably why my hair is falling out in clumps and why I continue to cram stuff in my mouth that is covered with sugar, cheese or fermented grapes. That’s probably why I’m thinking about getting some iron on letters and putting “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” on my shirt. If my husband asks me one more time “How are you doing?” I’m not sure what I will do, but it won’t be pretty.

If you’re still reading this I actually feel really bad for you at this point because if the tables were turned and I was you then I would have no idea what to say to me. The only thing that I could think of saying to bring comfort would be, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so sad, and I want to be here for you if I can.” Then I would probably try to think of something funny to say and follow it up with, “I love you.” I would hope that I would take the time to say something to you. Maybe it wouldn’t be the right thing to say, but it would be something.

Homeschool Space

2011-01-20T19:07:00.004-06:00

Here are some pictures of our homeschool space. We do most of our school work at the kitchen table. We used to move all over the house, but we've become kind of a machine. We used to take breaks, eat lunch, read snuggled up in bed, but not much anymore. We sit down to do our work and plow through it. We always try to get done by 1:00. I've usually got something I have to do in the afternoons so schoolwork needs to be done. Every once in awhile we will have to do our last two subjects, which are history and science after I pick the other kids up from school, but that breeds chaos. Anyway, I just thought you'd like to see some pictures of our cute this space. href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GhE80MqvSIk/TTjdPFSF-pI/AAAAAAAABts/Cb8eNbVHx1M/s1600/hs4.jpg">

Oh Yeah, and on the chalkboard I was letting Spencer call out the spelling words to me to see if I could spell them all. The list was of French Words. I misspelled a couple of them. Can you find the misspelled word or words??? Those dang Frenchies spell their words weird! : )

How did I get here?

2011-01-19T00:59:00.002-06:00

Wait a second...How did all this happen?

How did my life get turned upside down?

How is it that I have a son that has almost died 3 times in the last month?

How can it be that I've signed the paperwork for Hospice for my own child?

How do I make all this stop?

When will things get better?

Will things get better?

What do I do until things get better?

How do I answer, "How is Miles?"

Sewing

2011-01-17T13:26:00.014-06:00

I started cross stitching when I was 7 or 8. A teacher taught my class one year at Christmas. We worked on it every day after lunch for about a month. We made a little Christmas Wreath. I loved doing it! I've cross stitched off and on every since then. I made all my children baby blankets. The last few years I started making the blankets and putting them away for my future grandchildren. Of course I know that seems premature, but I have 5 kids and since it takes me a year to make a blanket...I want to make sure they each get one. The girls have always been interested in my sewing. They always ask if they can help me. I will let them pull the needle through or cut my string. Well, last night I took the time to TEACH them how to cross stitch. I've explained the basics here and there, but last night I taught them how to do the whole thing. I taught them how to use the sewing hoop. Then I had them practice putting it on and off. Next I taught them both how to thread a needle and knot their thread at the end. They practiced that for a long time. Then I taught them how to read the pattern. Next they got to learn how to sew on their own and how to tie off before cutting their thread. They caught on so quickly! They've been sewing every since! They love it. They keep thanking me for teaching them. It's been so neat to watch them. Their work is coming out beautiful. I love that I taught them how to do it all. Now they can sew when they want. They've been planning all sorts of projects for their "babies in the future."

The last four pictures are of some things I've done recently. I'm sure Jocie & Melody will be catching up with me in no time!

For Hire

2011-01-13T11:01:00.005-06:00

Do you have a Product or Business and you're looking for a New and Creative Way to Advertise? Well, look no further!

To make a few extra bucks we've decided to hire out Melody's backside for advertising. Right now she's got a gig with Taco Casa.

She temporarily subbed it out to her Pops.

So, if you've got a business & you're wanting to advertise let me know. We've got 7 backsides here just waiting to earn you and us money!

If you're looking to advertise with the Tween crowd then you will probably be wanting the JOEY package. He hangs out at Madison Middle School all day. You can also find him at the Tennis courts even when it's cold outside. The good thing about this package is that you know it's dependable. If he's agreed to work for you then you can relax and now that he will follow through! Your investment is almost risk free with this package!

If you don't mind spending a little extra cash you could go with the MILES package. His costs a little more because the lights on his wheelchair light up, plus he's really adorable so tons of people stare at him all the time. WIth this package you get more bang for your buck.

I would suggest the RANDY package if you would like your business to be seen in such establishments as Lowe's, Home Depot, McCoy's or other manly places. As often as he can he will advertise at The Leaf, so if you do not wish your product to be in places that glorify tobacco then you may want to think twice about this package. This package comes with authentic hard working man jeans guaranteed to have paint and caulk on them.

I already mentioned that Melody is working with Taco Casa at the moment, but she's always up for new, bigger and better adventures. With the MELODY package you not only get advertising, but she will also agree to work for candy or toys! This could save you money!!

If you've got an Unique or Quirky item you'd like to show off then the SPENCER package is what you're interested in. Spencer's bright red hair and fun loving personality will make your product shine. Spencer can be found walking his dog daily so our neighborhood will be blanketed with your special business! A special redhead for a special product!

Another great package that's available is the BRANDI package. With this package your business will be seen all over town and the Metroplex area! Brandi can be found in SCHOOLS, GROCERY STORES, HOSPITALS, CHURCHES, PHARMACIES, RESTAURANTS, DEPARTMENTS STORES, PEDIATRICIANS OFFICE...AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!! (If you're slogan is a little "wordy" then this package also may be good for you because Brandi has some extra room in the back for such accommodations as this.)

Lastly, we have the JOCIE package. If you've been looking for a pure, and morally correct place to advertise then this package is for you! Rarely will you find your advertising in a place that would embarrass your company or product. When in doubt of the package that's right for you the JOCIE package is a sure thing!

(Picture of Melody crossing her arms after she found out her brothers stuck a Taco Casa Bumber Sticker on her bottom)

**No, space is not really available on our rears.**

***Well, maybe, but we will have discuss prices.***

****Ok, yes, space is available! Let's talk today!!****

Birthday Love

2011-01-12T09:58:00.003-06:00

Joey's birthday is in August. This last year he turned 12. When anyone has a birthday coming up in our family the kids start thinking of what they can make or give the person. The girls especially will make pictures for a couple of weeks leading up to the day for the birthday person. Usually by the time the actual birthday arrives the girls are burnt out on the subject because they've made something for or talked about the birthday almost daily. They even wrap up things from their own room and give presents early. They're all so sweet and generous. Most of them love birthdays as much as I do. : )

For Joey's birthday Jocie made an especially interesting present. I can't remember what she called it, but she knows how Joey likes to invent things so she invented something for him. Joey usually gets slightly annoyed by all the pictures and "junk" the girls give him from their room so I was overjoyed when he made such a big deal over what Jocie had made him. She had put so much thought and time into the "thing." I was concerned that she would be upset if Joey just dismissed the whole thing. He didn't though. He liked it. He could tell that she had tried to come up with something that he would like. I think he respected the fact that she made something with him in mind instead of something with hearts and flowers all over it.

Joey wore the "thing" dutifully and even tweaked it here and there all afternoon. I know this is long past August, but I came across the pictures again today, and I wanted to take the time to remember how sweet and kind the kids are around birthdays.

Wal-Mart Drama

2011-01-10T08:31:00.010-06:00

I got in trouble at Wal-Mart last night. And, no, I wasn't trying to steal condoms! (That's what I put on my Facebook status last night.) The Details:

I had to go grocery shopping last night and on the way I called and chatted with my friend Liz. When I got there I wasn't ready to get off the phone and I don't like to shop while talking because my focus gets way down in the yellow. (from the movie ENVY) Anyway, while I finished up the conversation I just aimlessly walked around. I was by the women's clothing when I saw SWIMSUITS right next to BIG PUFFY WINTER COATS. I told Liz what I saw and we laughed about it for a second. Then I saw BLACK BIKINI'S next to a WHITE FLEECE SWEATER. We got off the phone and I decided I would take a picture of the cross-seasonal clothing and put them on Facebook because I thought it was humorous.

I snapped a bad photo of an ugly bathing suit next to a big puffy coat.

I wanted to get a different angle of the swimsuit so I go to take another picture when what should appear, but a Wal-Mart saleslady with a broom up her rear. (You notice how to took a famous line from a beloved Christmas story and turned it into a snarky remark about the Wal-Mart employee that's about to tell me off? )

The lady really seemed to materialize out of nowhere! She came up to me and asked, "Can I help you?"
For a second I just stared at her because she came up on me so quickly. It was like she had Wal-Mart Super Powers. I told her that I didn't need any help. Then she said, "You cannot take photos in here." I said, "Really?" I was then going to go into my humorous observation of the bikini and sweater situation, but she wasn't having any of it. She said, "Yes, really. THANK YOU." And she left. I wanted to yell out, "I didn't say you're welcome!" (but I didn't) I wanted to yell out, "The swimsuits here are ugly!" (but I didn't) I was totally bummed because I had taken the first picture, but the bikini/sweater was the picture I REALLY wanted!

Oh I wanted that photo! The rule follower in me would not allow it. Did I catch myself back over at the bikini's with the thought of just taking a quick photo? Perhaps, but the rule follower won. (as usual)

So you will have to use your imagination. Picture this sweater from L.L.Bean and this black bikini from ??? next to one another at our local Wal-Mart.

Isn't that funny????

I thought so.

Need a little help from my friends...

2011-01-06T14:56:00.002-06:00

Does anyone know how to customize my banner for me? I have the picture. I just don't have a program like Photo Shop to add pictures or text. I wouldn't mind paying a little to get it fixed up.

Blogging...Do you miss me?

2011-01-05T16:46:00.003-06:00

I miss blogging.

Facebook really did kill the Radiostar.

I would love to whip up a witty story about something funny the kids did or write about when I was young and tried to invent a new sort of bra that included a tube sock and masking tape. The problem is that I still don't feel too witty or light hearted.

15 days in the Pediatric ICU, seeing Miles almost die a couple of times, having my life turned upside down for about a month and trying to come back home to play 'Mommy and Wife" has left me frazzled still. I'm totally on the upside, but still not "homemade bra" level. I am past the point of praying for the second coming or to be shot down in a convenient store cross fire. That's good news I suppose.

So...hopefully I will be blogging more.

FREE INFO: If you google tube sock and tape pictures you get a strange variety of topics. I do not recommend the search. I repeat. I do not recommend the search.

Elf Yourself

2010-12-02T09:42:00.000-06:00

Molly & Spencer

2010-11-30T17:19:00.002-06:00

Our puppy is so smart she can do math! : )

(How adorable is this picture?)

A Girl Jesus Set Free.

iPad Drama : )

Exciting!

JOY

Jocie's 10th Birthday!!!!

Good Grief Group Charlie Brown

For King & Country Busted Heart *LYRICS*

5 Months

Mourning

Middle School Dance

It's almost his birthday.

4 Months

Pearl Street

Lunch Time in Boulder

A Little Shopping Today

Our New Kitchen!

Oh Yeah...I Made This

Cemetary

New Kind of Normal

Coldplay - Fix You [Lyrics]

Crafty

Jocie 4th Grade. Eyes...Where are the Eyes?

3 Months

Treasure Hunting

Sour Puss

How Am I Doing?

Catching Up a Little

2 Months

Sweet Gift

Melody Free Stylin'

It's ok to say his name.

The WALL

A Must See...

Free

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart.

I've got the iWANTS

Rough Day

Can't think of a Title

What's for Dinner?

Aprons

I Love...

Kids Interview

Please Pray for our Family

Man and Wife?

I miss my boy

Thankful

Cheap Therapy

If we were friends...

Miles's Last Day

My Precious Miles

Roller Coaster Kind of Day

When God Say Yes

It's almost here...

Table for 12

Sew What's Up?

Testimony

SWAGGER WAGON

My Day

Holland

Coffee...

Still thinking about it...

Nook

Awww!

Ramblings...

Roller Coaster!!!!

Jocie & Melody

Precious Jocie

My Sweet Spencer

Mini Update

Mr. & Mrs. S

Happy Love Day!

All You Need is LOVE

Jennifer's Gift

And the winner is...

If You Want Me To

Fun Giveaway!!!!

Peace one Piece at a Time

Snow Fun!

My Spencer

Mark 14:32-36

For King & Country Busted Heart LYRICS