I had a dream last night that was wonderful and devastating at the same time. Once I had the dream I thought about it all night. In the rest of my dreams I was describing the first dream to friends of mine. I also was also dreaming about when I woke up how I would feel disappointed about it only being a dream. Did that make sense?
In my dream Miles was healed. I haven’t had a dream about that in so long. It’s probably been years, and I’ve never had a dream about him being healed the way he was in my dream last night.
It was awesome. In my dream we had all just woken up. Everything in my dream was normal (which is rare for me.) Anyway, I had just woken up and I went to get Miles up for the day. He was laying down and looked like himself, but there was something new in his eyes. His eyes looked alive. There was Life in his eyes. He began to move around just a tiny bit. I could tell that he knew me and that he was trying to reach out to me.
Randy was beside me and I told him that I thought Miles was trying to reach for things. I told him to get one of the rattle toys that I had saved back from our other kids so I could see if he could grab it. (He’s never done this in real life.) Randy picked out a small yellow rattle from the box that I remember our other kids playing with and I held it out to Miles and so slowly he reached out and was able to grasp it. Then I waited to see if he would put the rattle in his mouth. When he did I was overjoyed! I remember telling Randy that if he could have control of his hand then at the very least he would eventually be able to control his own wheelchair and that if he could do that then he would be able to go to college and that everything would be okay. (I didn’t know I valued college so much.)
We were so excited to see such a small yet huge milestone! Then it was like a montage of milestones that happened throughout the day. We saw him crawling and getting under the bed to get to the box of toys for himself. Then we saw him running through the house. I remember I was face down crying before the Lord. Spencer was playing with Miles and wanted to show him everything all at once. Then I had a flash forward to very late in the night and my eyes were bloodshot and burning and I was exhausted but none of us wanted to go to sleep because we were afraid that Miles wouldn’t be able to do anything in the morning.
That was the end of the first dream. The rest of the dreams were me replaying the first dream and talking about the first dream and mourning the first dream. Even right now as I write this down my heart is physically hurting and it feels heavy in my chest. I feel Closter phobic at the reality that I can’t do one single thing to make that first dream come true. I can’t make it happen on my own. I can’t earn enough money to fix Miles. I can’t pray enough, worship enough, give enough away, serve the church enough or fast enough. There’s nothing in my own strength that can heal my son. The word frustrating doesn’t cover it.
Of course if God does ever heal Miles there will not be any way that I can take credit for any of it. That part is awesome, but being on the other side of healed makes that fact painful to my mother’s heart.
In my dream I was so excited because I was going to get to know Miles. Strangely I was excited about all the work I wasn’t going to have to do anymore. I was excited about getting to have a real relationship with my son. I was going to get to know him and he was going to get to know me and all his brothers and sisters and Poppa. That’s what I long for. That’s what I desire. I want to know Miles and I want him to know me.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Really? Who's Idea Was That?
I remembered something today.
Something Funny yet so not funny at the same time.
Way Way WAY back in the day...like before Randy and I could could even legally buy alcohol although we often had some, for some crazy reason we thought it would be fun to go to the movies, sneak in some booze and get blasted while we watched a movie. We walked there so we wouldn't have to drive. We used to live in an apartment close to a dollar theatre that used to be on the hill.
Anyway, we snuck in something to drink...it was cheap I'm sure, and we bought tickets for When a Man Loves a Woman. We didn't know anything about the movie, but it had Meg Ryan in it so we were sure it was going to be good.
However, a few minutes into the movies (and a few swigs later) we began to rethink our movie selection.
I don't know if you remember the movie or not, but Meg Ryan plays an alcoholic!!!
We watched a few more minutes of the depressing movie and then got out of there! We laughed so hard at the irony.
I don't know what made me think of that today. It wasn't because I was contemplating getting tanked at the movies.
Oh, I'm so thankful for how far we've come. : )
Anyway, we never did see the rest of the movie.
Something Funny yet so not funny at the same time.
Way Way WAY back in the day...like before Randy and I could could even legally buy alcohol although we often had some, for some crazy reason we thought it would be fun to go to the movies, sneak in some booze and get blasted while we watched a movie. We walked there so we wouldn't have to drive. We used to live in an apartment close to a dollar theatre that used to be on the hill.
Anyway, we snuck in something to drink...it was cheap I'm sure, and we bought tickets for When a Man Loves a Woman. We didn't know anything about the movie, but it had Meg Ryan in it so we were sure it was going to be good.
However, a few minutes into the movies (and a few swigs later) we began to rethink our movie selection.
I don't know if you remember the movie or not, but Meg Ryan plays an alcoholic!!!
We watched a few more minutes of the depressing movie and then got out of there! We laughed so hard at the irony.
I don't know what made me think of that today. It wasn't because I was contemplating getting tanked at the movies.
Oh, I'm so thankful for how far we've come. : )
Anyway, we never did see the rest of the movie.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
There's No Place Like Home!
There’s No Place Like Home
It’s almost been a year since we stopped going to Kingdom Life Fellowship. We went to church there for over 10 years. It’s been such a huge adjustment. We spent last summer alternating between two great churches to try and find where we were supposed to be. We decided on Morning Star Community church. There’s so many wonderful things about this church body. I’m very glad that we go there and serve there. I love that it takes 3 minutes to get there. I love that it’s a multicultural church. I’ve grown so much from that single thing. I love who the pastors are and what they’re about. I really love the people. There’s so much more that makes it an awesome place to be a part of.
All that being said…and meant…I’ve really been struggling with FEELING HOME SICK. I do. I can’t help it. It started about a month ago and has just gotten stronger. I miss our old church. I’ve missed it the whole time. I’ve gone through seasons where I didn’t think about it too much, and a little while where I thought I was over it, but I’m not. I still love everyone so much. I miss being a big part of their lives. I miss going and knowing everyone. I miss their connection to our family. I miss the feeling of the fact that they know everything about Miles and how they’ve prayed for him for years. I like that many of them have seen me in my darkest valley and my highest high. I love that most of my kids have gone to church with a lot of their kids since they were born. I miss the music. I cannot tell you how much I miss the music. I miss the encouragement from people who have seen me walk through tragic times and come out peaceful on the other side. I miss how they call greatness out of you. I miss having deep relationships with almost every family. I miss watching the other kids grow up that I’ve known for so long. I miss the feeling of being a part of something that’s bigger than just a Sunday morning meeting. I miss the “everyday” living that the people do so well. I miss going over to people’s house during the day and hanging out or going out together at the spur of the moment. I miss the Pastor. I miss going to church with my best friends. I miss the community of the place. I even miss Clyde.
When I go back there for a special occasion I feel like an out of towl relative. I’m always welcomed so lovingly. I’ve gone back to a Halloween festival, a women’s guest speaker, a Christmas program and a funeral. Each time I realize again what I’m missing and it hurts.
I’m not saying that I want to go back. I’m not saying that I don’t like where I am. I’m not saying the place I’m at now won’t turn into more. I’m just saying that I feel Home Sick. Lately I’ve been having this mental picture of me gathering my things and dragging them behind me while I walk down Hwy 18 to get to Clyde. Then days like yesterday when we went to our church picnic I fall in love with the people of Grace Point (name changed) even more.
I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know that there is anything to do about it. It’s true though, There’s No Place Like Home.
It’s almost been a year since we stopped going to Kingdom Life Fellowship. We went to church there for over 10 years. It’s been such a huge adjustment. We spent last summer alternating between two great churches to try and find where we were supposed to be. We decided on Morning Star Community church. There’s so many wonderful things about this church body. I’m very glad that we go there and serve there. I love that it takes 3 minutes to get there. I love that it’s a multicultural church. I’ve grown so much from that single thing. I love who the pastors are and what they’re about. I really love the people. There’s so much more that makes it an awesome place to be a part of.
All that being said…and meant…I’ve really been struggling with FEELING HOME SICK. I do. I can’t help it. It started about a month ago and has just gotten stronger. I miss our old church. I’ve missed it the whole time. I’ve gone through seasons where I didn’t think about it too much, and a little while where I thought I was over it, but I’m not. I still love everyone so much. I miss being a big part of their lives. I miss going and knowing everyone. I miss their connection to our family. I miss the feeling of the fact that they know everything about Miles and how they’ve prayed for him for years. I like that many of them have seen me in my darkest valley and my highest high. I love that most of my kids have gone to church with a lot of their kids since they were born. I miss the music. I cannot tell you how much I miss the music. I miss the encouragement from people who have seen me walk through tragic times and come out peaceful on the other side. I miss how they call greatness out of you. I miss having deep relationships with almost every family. I miss watching the other kids grow up that I’ve known for so long. I miss the feeling of being a part of something that’s bigger than just a Sunday morning meeting. I miss the “everyday” living that the people do so well. I miss going over to people’s house during the day and hanging out or going out together at the spur of the moment. I miss the Pastor. I miss going to church with my best friends. I miss the community of the place. I even miss Clyde.
When I go back there for a special occasion I feel like an out of towl relative. I’m always welcomed so lovingly. I’ve gone back to a Halloween festival, a women’s guest speaker, a Christmas program and a funeral. Each time I realize again what I’m missing and it hurts.
I’m not saying that I want to go back. I’m not saying that I don’t like where I am. I’m not saying the place I’m at now won’t turn into more. I’m just saying that I feel Home Sick. Lately I’ve been having this mental picture of me gathering my things and dragging them behind me while I walk down Hwy 18 to get to Clyde. Then days like yesterday when we went to our church picnic I fall in love with the people of Grace Point (name changed) even more.
I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know that there is anything to do about it. It’s true though, There’s No Place Like Home.
Friday, June 25, 2010
THANK YOU.
Thanks Rachel for my cute "Fridge" note. :)
Love you too.
Yes, we must get together soon.
Maybe we can make those wallets together when YOU figure out how to make them.
Love you too.
Yes, we must get together soon.
Maybe we can make those wallets together when YOU figure out how to make them.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Yes it's True...I don't have time to make this stuff up.
OKAY! I will admit it!!! I HATE buying Enemas in a Family size "Bulk" Pack.
Yesterday I drove straight in from Ft. Worth after a 6 hour drive with 5 kids and a long doctors appointment to stop by HEB to pick up 2 necessary items. 1.) A Family Size “Bulk” Pack of Enemas for…Miles. 2.) I needed 2 boxes of brownies to make for a funeral.
I left the kids in the car with Randy so I could just run in quickly. I go in and grab the biggest pack of enemas available. The biggest pack available happened to be for adults instead of kids. Also, the biggest pack available happened to be the generic brand so the box was all weird and no nonsense.
Miles rarely poops or pees without “encouragement” so this isn’t a new purchase for me. And since I had just seen a new doctor with strict instructions to get that boy cleaned out I bought what I needed to buy.
Buying enemas isn’t usually a big deal to me. However, I can usually mix such a purchase with a family of seven’s groceries so it’s much less exciting. Yesterday though I just wanted to go in and then get home. I grab the you-know-whats and then quickly get to the brownie aisle. I can’t find exactly what I’m looking for so I scan the items several times too many.
I finally picked out 2 boxes of turtle brownies. It shouldn’t have been such a hard decision, but like I said, the brownies were for a meal after a funeral. The day sucks enough. The family deserves a good dessert with lots of gooey goodness.
I throw the brownies next to the “poop eject button” and almost make it to the end of the row when I hear a man say, “Brandi? Brandi is that you?” I turn around and it takes my mind a second to flip through my mental rolodex and I place him. I knew this guy in the 5th grade. Yeah, the 5th grade.
We smile and chat and talk about how crazy it is to see each other after all these years…blah blah blah. The whole time I’m talking to him I’m praying to All That Is Good that he can’t see those dang enemas and 2 boxes of brownies! I mean, MY GOSH that looks like a serious problem!
He already caught me looking a mess after being in the car with 5 kids for 6 hours, and then the crazy look I probably had on my face when I was racing down the aisle to get out of the store.
We talk and I’m constantly trying to hide my purchase, but I can’t tell if I am or not because my back is to the cart.
I would rather him have caught me filling up my cart with gallons of wine and some toilet paper.
But no, I don’t have that kind of luck.
Anyhow, I finally break free from our elementary school reunion and turn around to see the huge box practically hovering over the cart in bright white letters with a green background yelling, “ENEMAS!!”
My face feels totally flushed. I can feel my heart beating fast. I run to the Express Lane and shamelessly throw my 3 purchases on the conveyor belt and Dare someone to make a joke! No one does.
The Dear Cashier scanned my items, placed them in a bag and let me leave without making an ass out of myself.
When I got to the car I chunked the bag at Randy and then we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. We laughed all the home. I almost peed my pants.
Oh, I wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else. I love that man of mine!
Yesterday I drove straight in from Ft. Worth after a 6 hour drive with 5 kids and a long doctors appointment to stop by HEB to pick up 2 necessary items. 1.) A Family Size “Bulk” Pack of Enemas for…Miles. 2.) I needed 2 boxes of brownies to make for a funeral.
I left the kids in the car with Randy so I could just run in quickly. I go in and grab the biggest pack of enemas available. The biggest pack available happened to be for adults instead of kids. Also, the biggest pack available happened to be the generic brand so the box was all weird and no nonsense.
Miles rarely poops or pees without “encouragement” so this isn’t a new purchase for me. And since I had just seen a new doctor with strict instructions to get that boy cleaned out I bought what I needed to buy.
Buying enemas isn’t usually a big deal to me. However, I can usually mix such a purchase with a family of seven’s groceries so it’s much less exciting. Yesterday though I just wanted to go in and then get home. I grab the you-know-whats and then quickly get to the brownie aisle. I can’t find exactly what I’m looking for so I scan the items several times too many.
I finally picked out 2 boxes of turtle brownies. It shouldn’t have been such a hard decision, but like I said, the brownies were for a meal after a funeral. The day sucks enough. The family deserves a good dessert with lots of gooey goodness.
I throw the brownies next to the “poop eject button” and almost make it to the end of the row when I hear a man say, “Brandi? Brandi is that you?” I turn around and it takes my mind a second to flip through my mental rolodex and I place him. I knew this guy in the 5th grade. Yeah, the 5th grade.
We smile and chat and talk about how crazy it is to see each other after all these years…blah blah blah. The whole time I’m talking to him I’m praying to All That Is Good that he can’t see those dang enemas and 2 boxes of brownies! I mean, MY GOSH that looks like a serious problem!
He already caught me looking a mess after being in the car with 5 kids for 6 hours, and then the crazy look I probably had on my face when I was racing down the aisle to get out of the store.
We talk and I’m constantly trying to hide my purchase, but I can’t tell if I am or not because my back is to the cart.
I would rather him have caught me filling up my cart with gallons of wine and some toilet paper.
But no, I don’t have that kind of luck.
Anyhow, I finally break free from our elementary school reunion and turn around to see the huge box practically hovering over the cart in bright white letters with a green background yelling, “ENEMAS!!”
My face feels totally flushed. I can feel my heart beating fast. I run to the Express Lane and shamelessly throw my 3 purchases on the conveyor belt and Dare someone to make a joke! No one does.
The Dear Cashier scanned my items, placed them in a bag and let me leave without making an ass out of myself.
When I got to the car I chunked the bag at Randy and then we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. We laughed all the home. I almost peed my pants.
Oh, I wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else. I love that man of mine!
Sunday, June 06, 2010
My Prayer for this Summer
FIVE KIDS.
ALL SUMMER.
ALL HOME.
JUST 1 ME.
This would make some people fear and tremble, but I love it!
I love being at home with the kids in the summer.
I love being free of a daily routine. I'm always glad for the routine to return, but for a couple of months it's so nice to stay up late, sleep late, hop in the car and go places, read aloud to the kids for hours and in general just be free.
My prayer this summer has been that I really want to "see" and "hear" the kids this summer. I want to be "with" them and not just in the same house. I don't want the summer to just fly by and tolerate them while they're home. I want to laugh with them, engage with them, enjoy them, pour into them and train them up this summer. I don't want to just play referee.
Each summer we've picked a couple of big books out and we'll spend the afternoons with me reading out loud to them. They love it so much. They beg for another chapter. Always before we've read kid books. I'm sure we will get to those soon, but we've already started God Smuggler. This is the first "real" book we've read. Joey could sit down and have it read in a day, but I'm making him wait and listen with the other kids. They've all been enjoying it although it's a "grown up" book.
It's so fun to plan and go on a vacation, but these are also things that make memories that last!
Tomorrow will be the long awaited "SPA DAY" that the girls and I have been planning for a month now. The older boys are gone to Austin so the girls and I will be enjoying our time together pampering one another. We've got facial masks, pedicure stuff and the all important cucumbers for our eyes! We plan on doing this a few times this summer and Jocie's teacher heard about it and wants to come and join us one day.
Those are great things, but even more than the Events...I want to look and listen to them when they're talking to me. I want to answer their questions with more then a "I don't know."
I feel like this summer has the potential to be the best one yet!
ALL SUMMER.
ALL HOME.
JUST 1 ME.
This would make some people fear and tremble, but I love it!
I love being at home with the kids in the summer.
I love being free of a daily routine. I'm always glad for the routine to return, but for a couple of months it's so nice to stay up late, sleep late, hop in the car and go places, read aloud to the kids for hours and in general just be free.
My prayer this summer has been that I really want to "see" and "hear" the kids this summer. I want to be "with" them and not just in the same house. I don't want the summer to just fly by and tolerate them while they're home. I want to laugh with them, engage with them, enjoy them, pour into them and train them up this summer. I don't want to just play referee.
Each summer we've picked a couple of big books out and we'll spend the afternoons with me reading out loud to them. They love it so much. They beg for another chapter. Always before we've read kid books. I'm sure we will get to those soon, but we've already started God Smuggler. This is the first "real" book we've read. Joey could sit down and have it read in a day, but I'm making him wait and listen with the other kids. They've all been enjoying it although it's a "grown up" book.
It's so fun to plan and go on a vacation, but these are also things that make memories that last!
Tomorrow will be the long awaited "SPA DAY" that the girls and I have been planning for a month now. The older boys are gone to Austin so the girls and I will be enjoying our time together pampering one another. We've got facial masks, pedicure stuff and the all important cucumbers for our eyes! We plan on doing this a few times this summer and Jocie's teacher heard about it and wants to come and join us one day.
Those are great things, but even more than the Events...I want to look and listen to them when they're talking to me. I want to answer their questions with more then a "I don't know."
I feel like this summer has the potential to be the best one yet!
I just bought Groceries...
I just bought groceries....hopefully they will stick around for awhile. Summer is here!!!!
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