It's not that I'm afraid of...
I just don't like the feeling I get when I ride them. I don't like being scared. I don't like the feeling of my stomach bottoming out. I don't like leaving the seat. I don't like hitting my head. I just don't like it Sam I Am.
It all started back as a child at the West Texas Fair and Rodeo. My step-dad made me ride THE ZIPPER with my brother Chris. I had already taken a good look at the ride and decided that I wasn't interested in it. This picture doesn't do The Zipper that I rode justice. This looks like a nice and clean ride.
This ride looks like it's been maintained, painted and put together by some fine engineers that really care about safety.
The Zipper I rode looked like it was put together by this guy.
I really didn't want to get on the ride. I cried. I pleaded. I was given an ultimatum: Get On The D@*^ Ride or You're Going Home!
SO I got on the ride.
Yep, I hated it. I actually hated it more than I thought I would hate it. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die. It was that I KNEW I was going to die! I actually heard parts rolling around in the cart with us. The door kept flapping open a little. I was being turned upside down against my will. I was holding onto my little brother for dear life. I was hoping that his life could be spared. When the ride was stopping we were the ones to get stuck at the top while everyone else was getting their freedom. I'm not sure why this happened but we were skipped when we made it to the ground. They had to make it go around once more before they let us out. I was mad as a hornet when I got out. I was white as a ghost and my knees were shaking. Nope, not my thing.
I did ride roller coasters after that, but I didn't like it. Several years ago I was at Six Flags with Randy and one or two of the boys and I had a revelation...I Don't Have To Go On the Roller Coasters If I Don't Want To!!! It was so freeing! I didn't care if they wanted to go on them, and I didn't mind waiting in line with them. I just didn't have to go on them if I didn't want to. Six Flags became fun for me again!
Well, for the last 5 months I have felt like my life is a ROLLER COASTER!
Miles has almost died so many times right before my eyes.
He's turned colors.
He's had so much trouble breathing I could hear him in the other room.
He's been in terrible pain.
The hospice nurses told me at one time that Miles probably only had a few days to live.
That was 3 weeks ago!
His lungs have been slushy with pneumonia.
They've also been clearer than they've been in years.
He's been on crazy doses of pain medication.
He's also had days where he looks completely fine.
He's been on oxygen for 24 hours a day.
Some days he doesn't need it at all.
One day his heart could beat so fast it seems it will beat right out of his chest.
The next day his heart rate could be normal.
Today he's smiling and having the best day he's had in months.
A couple of days ago his hospice nurse quadrupled his pain medication because she saw him in so much pain.
Today he's pain free.
When I get up in the morning I feel like this:
I don't know what to expect. In the mornings I don't know if Miles is going to be in pain, covered in mucus, barely breathing, dead or feeling great and alert. I really have no idea.
It's like I'm being forced back into THE ZIPPER even though I already declared that I hate roller coasters and that I don't want to get on.
This Roller Coaster with Miles makes THE ZIPPER seem like:
The Ups and Downs the High and Lows...I hate it. I want off.
I've decided that God obviously has a plan for Miles. I've also decided that there's nothing I can do to hinder that plan or to speed up that plan. I just wish that God would clue me in on part of the plan so I don't feel like this everyday:
4 comments:
wow i am in awe of how you can tell a story and make it feel like im right there with you. you are so gifted
First of all, I think we all know that I LOVE roller coasters. I love the thrill of the ups and downs and the horrible pit in my stomach when we get really high because of my fear of heights. I even have a special scream that I reserve just for those occasions.
However, there's a thing about roller coasters; they're controlled. They're on a track and they have a beginning and an end. They only last about 2.5 minutes and they are regularly maintained by professionals. What you are going through is like something from a nightmare. No set time, no regular maintenance, which means not only do you not know where you are going, there's a chance the track could end in mid air.
No, what you are going through is not the kind of thing that people would pay $50 for a ticket to or stand in line for 4 hours to do. I hate that you were forced on this roller coaster from hell and that it appears you are strapped in pretty tight for the duration of the ride. If it's any consolation, you have a lot of people waiting for you at the exit gate when you get off.
Love you.
PS That second picture really did something to me. Makes me want to tighten up my selection process for riding partners. And wear a plastic bag over my head.
WOW Brandi!! I do LOVE rollercoasters but not when it comes to my life!! So even liking them I don't want my life to be one. I admire you more than you know and think about you everyday several times a day. I miss you and miss hanging out with you. I'm ready for this rollercoaster to be over for you too. God obviously does have a plan for Miles and YOU!! Hopefully He will reveal some of that plan soon for you. I love you and am here ANYTIME!!
Sometimes life makes me want to puke too ;D
But God has a plan for me, for you, for a little boy named Miles :)
Blessings
Nicole
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