Thankful

Thank you Lord that I had the privilege of being Miles's Mother. I'm so honored and thankful. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Even with all of the work, heavy hearted days and mystery I still got the better end of the deal. Taking care of Miles was my joy.
I miss him so bad it hurts. I can't explain how empty my arms feel. I just want to hold him. The thought of never feeling him next to me again seems unbearable. When I held him I could feel my whole body relax. There was something so pure about him that it would heal me as I held him. I need him here now to heal my broken heart.
I miss the physical part of taking care of him. I miss the feeling of accomplishment as I finished his routine. It began and finished my day. Now my days seems like an endless wave of Me. I'm already sick of Me.
What a special treasure he was. I will forever be grateful for the time I had with him. Thank you Lord for trusting me with Miles. You know how I loved him.

Cheap Therapy

When I feel down I've noticed something...I like to shop on eBay for Vintage Fisher Price Toys!

I don't usually buy any of them (mainly because they're so dang expensive) but I really like looking them up, finding the best deal on them and telling myself I could buy them IF I Really Wanted To!

***Sorry for the smallest photos ever!***

Here's the Farm. I actually have this one. It's from when I was a kid. My Grandma Jody had it at her house and I played with it WAY LONGER that I probably should have. I just loved it! When I grew up she gave it to me. It's so special to me. The girls still get it down from the shelf and play with it. I love that.

Airport

This circus is crazy expensive! I've seen them between $300 to $500.

The Hospital. This is The One I want the most!!! I usually start out looking up this one! I've bid on these a few times, but I haven't ever won. They go up too high. I love it because it has a little wheelchair and the girls and I would pretend its Miles.

More Little People. I have most of these.

The Lunchbox and Thermos. I absolutely positively want this with all my heart!!!

The school chalk board. I have this one. I used to play this at my Grandma Jody's house and I loved it!

The school house. I used to play this at my Grandma's too, but I don't have one now. These aren't too pricey.

The Castle. I love the castle. It's so charming. I love the little crowns.


I love them because they remind me of being a kid. Plus I'm a sucker for Vintage stuff or even the word Vintage. Joey says that when he hears the word "vintage" all he really hears is "expensive." True so True.

If we were friends...

If we were friends and I found an amazing new restaurant I would probably tell you how good their food was and perhaps even make plans for us to go there sometime together to enjoy the new place.

If Randy and I just came back from an incredible Cruise (I wish!) and it was as perfect as I had imagined it would be, then I found out that you want to go on a Cruise one day I'm positive I would tell you all about our Cruise and all the reasons you should go on the same Cruise Line we went on. You know...if we were friends.

If we were friends and I knew a place where you could get a refreshing pedicure in a place where the staff would treat you really nice...I would hook you up with the info.

With that being true I have a new place to share with you. It might be a strange place to give a review of, however, since we're friends I've just gotta share.

I can't say enough good things about Elmwood Funeral Home.



Wait! Don't leave! Here me out!

Having a son die sucks!

Funerals suck!

Making funeral plans suck!

Elmwood Funeral Home makes all that suck less.

I'm pretty sure that won't be their new slogan, but maybe it should be.

Elmwood Funeral Home and Bryan Hicks in particular went above and beyond what I could have hoped for, asked or imagined. Planning a funeral is a lot of work. It has almost as many details as a wedding but you do it all in about 3 days, it's not as fun as a wedding, and there's no honeymoon afterwords. Bryan Hicks & Elmwood made sure we had the nicest & most special funeral possible. They were very generous to us and worked hard to get us discounts were it was possible.

During the Visitation they had a beautiful area set up that felt like a living room. They kept freshly baked cookies coming so the guests could have something to snack on. I'm not going to mention how many cookies my own children ate.

Again, I know it's strange to be raving about a funeral home, but they did so many extras to make the situation more comfortable and special that it took a little sting out of the event. The staff was easy to talk to, answered all our questions, cared about our decisions, were extremely compassionate and integrated special details that I never would have thought of.

Randy and I are so thankful for all the help Elmwood and Bryan Hicks gave us. I've always heard that burying a child is one of the very worst things that can happen to someone. At this time I can sufficiently agree with that statement. Elmwood Funeral Home helped us get through that extremely difficult time. For that I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness, and since we are friends...I thought you should know.

Miles's Last Day

Our sweet Miles died on Saturday morning. If I could have handwritten all my preferences about how the process should go and somehow snail mailed it to God I don’t think I would have been able to write it any better.
As gut wrenching sad, as the whole thing was it still was beautiful and special. Saturday morning we woke up and one by one the big kids crawled in our bed to talk my ear off and to wrestle Poppa. Even Molly tried jumping up on the bed to get into the mix, but she knows she’s not allowed to do that. We were all laughing and joking and I was getting nauseated from all the bouncing on my bed. It had all the makings for a perfect Saturday.
We were already about to get up when Joey came back in our room and told us that Miles’s monitor was beeping. That wasn’t particularly alarming because he had been having lots of trouble the last several days with his breathing. As a matter of fact, on Friday Miles was only taking 4 breaths per minute all day long. Of course this should have been a clue that he wasn’t going to pull out of this one, but honestly, we’ve seen Miles bounce back from so many scrapes that literally Friday night we were holding Miles while watching Cake Boss and talking about how tomorrow he could wake up and be just fine.
Randy and I finished getting dressed and went in Miles’s room to check on him. His nose had bled during the night so Randy was trying to clean him up. Neither Randy nor I said anything to each other but I think we both knew he wasn’t going to make it. I acted normal as I had the kids clean up all their blankets and pillows from sleeping in the living room the night before. Then I had them clean off the kitchen table. Randy was cleaning Miles up and I went to the bathroom to make Miles’s medicine and as I looked at myself in the mirror I KNEW. I knew I was about to lose my child. I walked back into the room and Randy was lying down by Miles in bed. Randy and I looked into each other’s eyes and without saying anything we knew that he was dying. The monitor kept showing that Miles’s heart rate and oxygen level was lowering. I began to cry and tell Miles over and over that I love him. Randy stayed in the bed with him. Then we told God that we trust him. We Trust You God. We Trust You God. We Love you Miles. I Love you So Much Miles. You Are Free To Go. I Love You So Much.
I asked if I should get the kids. Jocie ended up coming in and immediately she began to cry and asked if he was breathing. I told her that he was dying and that she needed to tell him that she loves him. She ran to him and rubbed his face and kept telling Miles that she loved him. I hurried out of the room to find the other kids. I saw Joey and told him to go to Miles’s room and say goodbye to him. I couldn’t find Spencer and Melody for a second. They had gone outside to clean out the car. I found them and told them to hurry inside. Spencer came quickly, but Melody was trying to find her other flip-flop. She wouldn’t move so I had to go pick her up out of the car and explain to her that Miles was passing away and she needed to go tell him she loved him.
We went into Miles’s room and circled his bed. Randy was still next to Miles while we all cried and prayed and told Miles over and over that we love him. He took less and less breaths and within a couple of minutes he was gone. He wasn’t in pain. He wasn’t scared. His family surrounded him, and I believe he felt loved and released.
Soon Randy left to call hospice so they could come and do their things. Joey, Spencer and Melody clung to me and wept. Jocie went to Miles’s side, laid her hands on Miles and prayed that God would raise him from the dead.
After awhile we said our goodbyes and went to the other room as we waited for hospice to come and take care of his body. We held each other on the couch and cried. As were sitting there Jocie remembered something and said, “Remember last year when we went to China Star and Miles’s fortune cookie said that he would dance on his feet next summer? Well, it’s true! It is summer and he’s dancing on his feet in heaven!”
The hospice nurse came and was cleaning his body and things like that. We all stayed in the kitchen and the kids were hungry. It was late morning by this time. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life, but I got up and made them pancakes. My son had just died but my other children were still here and hungry so I fed them. As I was cooking I thought of a good title for a book “And Then I Made Pancakes.” : )
The funeral home came and got Miles’s body and then we were all just quiet and close. We weren’t in any rush. We didn’t want to run to the phone. We just wanted to be together and get our bearings before all the chaos hit.
The way Miles died brought peace to me and I think to all of us. The way it all happened made me feel close to the Lord. I got to see that Miles wasn’t scared. We all got to be around him so he wasn’t alone and he knew he was loved right to the very end.
It reminded me of the day Miles was born. The whole time I was pregnant Randy and I had it in our minds that we wanted to have our last baby at home. All the other deliveries had gone so smoothly and we wanted it to be special and with only Randy and I there when our son was born.
Well, as time got closer for Miles to be born we both felt like we were supposed to have him at the hospital, and we ended up being right. When I got to the hospital Miles had turned and was side to side instead of head down. The doctor had to turn him back like 5 times because Miles kept flipping back around. Well, after the doctor got all of that situated the delivery process continued normally. So normally in fact, that the nurses pretty much left me alone since I was a pro by that time and all.
One of the nurses came in and I told her that it was almost time. She checked the progress and patted my arm like I didn’t know what I was talking about. She said I had a few hours left. Well, she walked out of the door and I told Randy that it was TIME! Randy was as calm as could be and assured me that we could do this together. We didn’t call the nurses back. The lights were still low, and we had worship music playing softly in the background. We were alone and after a couple of pushes Randy held Miles as he entered the world. It was the most special day of my whole life. It was so beautiful. We got to bring Miles into the world just like we wanted to but with the protection of the hospital. Also, we didn’t get the “weird” stigma from having a home birth. (You know what I mean Pam!)
Anyway, all that to say that God was in control of Miles’s birth and God was in control of Miles’s death. I see both days as a gift. They were both beautiful and peaceful in their own ways. For that I’m thankful.

Thank you Lord for 6 years and your beautiful and mysterious plan.

My Precious Miles

Here's Miles's obituary from the newspaper today. I think it came out beautiful. Thank you for all your prayers and sweet words during this time. Please keep them coming...Randy and I are so very sad and it's difficult to deal with all these details and plans. At the same time we've seen God use incredible people in our lives to make this easier and to make us feel loved. We're so humbled and thankful for that.



Here is all the funeral arrangements. I would love to see you if you can make it.
Funeral arrangements for Miles Wilson:
Visitation is 6 till 7 PM on Tuesday at Elmwood Funeral Home, 5750 HWY 277 S
Funeral service is Wednesday at 10:00 AM at FountainGate Fellowship, 909 N Willis.

Roller Coaster Kind of Day

I had several eyewitnesses to my crazy day yesterday. I’ve written about the roller coaster around here before. Yesterday was like someone snatched up Miles and I, threw us in a roller coater seat, didn’t bother with a seatbelt and pushed the ON button then went for a long lunch break.
The day had started normal enough. I was juggling homeschool while I was trying to get myself and Miles ready to go watch the girl’s award ceremony at school. For a minute I thought I might not be able to make it because Miles was covered in mucus and just kept coughing stuff up and generally looked kind of miserable. I gave him some motrin and he perked up a bit.
We made it to the school on time and watched most of the award ceremony. Miles began to cough and couldn’t catch his breath so I took him out and hung out with my friend Krissy. Her son didn’t want to sit still or quiet so she had to take him out. Miles was breathing really hard. She mentioned how terrible he sounded. I’m pretty sure she said, “It’s not fair.” I agreed.
After the program Rachel and I decided to go eat lunch at Chick-fil-A with our kids. We had a nice long lunch together. Miles looked incredible! He was smiling and laughing. He was moving his legs around. His breathing sounded great. He was charming. We kept talking about how good he looked. We ended up seeing several people we knew there and they were happy to see Miles feeling well.
I left because I work at the church on Tuesday afternoons. I had Miles, Kalista and Spencer with me. They were going to do some of their school work at the church while I worked on some stuff for children’s church with Ruth and Christina. Well, just a few minutes on the road after leaving Chick-fil-a Miles began coughing up blood. Spencer was in the backseat with him and he began to shout for me to pull over. I pulled over and Miles had coughed up a blood clot about the length of my finger. He had blood coming from his mouth, covering his teeth yet somehow the kid was smiling!
I cleaned him up a little then got back in the car. I put the car into drive and he began coughing up more blood. It wasn’t a little spit up. The blood was hitting the seat in front of him. I got back out of the car, cleaned him up some more and tried to figure out what to do. He had only done this sort of thing one other time and it was back in December when the doctor ended up having to intubate him or he was going to drown to death in blood. Of course this thought really freaked me out since we’ve already firmly decided we’re not going that route again.
I called Ruth and told her what was going on. I was close to the church and pretty shaky so I decided to still go over there to calm down and I was hopeful that the bleeding had stopped. When I got inside I took him to the bathroom to clean him up a bit but he continued to cough up blood. Ruth and Christina prayed for him and we got back in the car and went home.
On the way home I called the hospice nurse to come and check on him. I called Tony to pick up Kalista. I called Randy and told him what was going on. Spencer and Kalista were incredible! They were so calm. They were a little scared but they were saying sweet things to Miles and to me. Kalista patted my back. Spencer kept trying to clean up the blood even though I told him he didn’t have to. Miles just kept coughing up more and more then his nose began to bleed as well. Kalista said, “We could pray for Miles!” We took turns praying. It was actually very touching to hear her pray for our family.
When we got home Randy arrived pretty quickly. Tony picked up Kalista, and then the nurse came. Two nurses actually ended up coming over. They THINK he busted a blood vessel in his esophagus. Although, with his history it’s hard to say exactly what the problem was. They told me to give him two different pain medications to keep him comfortable and asleep.
Miles continued to cough up blood for 3 hours before he finally fell asleep. We kept him on pain meds all through the night. He didn’t end up coughing any more blood for the rest of the day.
Along with all this junk he’s been having trouble with his g-tube. I actually have to take him to Ft. Worth today so it can be changed out. I would just cancel the appointment but I think it’s causing some problems too because well, I’m having trouble feeding him food, but even more than that yesterday blood and yellow stuff kept coming out of his button. Considering that has never happened I’m pretty sure it needs to be fixed. My goodness…where is my paycheck for all this nursing I’m doing???
Honestly, I’m a little nervous about how this day will go. I don’t want him to begin coughing up blood again on the way to Ft. Worth. I don’t want to cancel the appointment and find out that I’ve made a mistake. I certainly do not want to get stuck in Ft. Worth if I have some kind of emergency with him while I’m gone. I’ve decided I’m just going to go about my day like I’ve planned and I’m going to trust God that he will give me wisdom in each situation that may arise today. Hopefully there will not be any situations to need wisdom about.
So, the show must go on right…

When God Say Yes

Yesterday morning I got a text from Melody's teacher thanking me for sharing my story about Spencer and the tree being set in my driveway by God. She said that she was reading the book When God Says Yes and when she saw my name she was like, "I know her!" She said that it truly touched her heart.

As I read the text it took me a minute to understand what she was talking about! Then I asked her if the book was by Julia Loren and she replied yes.

So...here's the scoop!

About 3 years ago I went to a writer's conference with my friend Francesca all the way in CALIFORNIA (insert Arnold accent of course!) It was at Bethel Church, Bill Johnson's church in Redding. For a fee before the conference we had the opportunity to send Julia Loren a sample of our work beforehand and then she would read over it and meet with us at a specific time and give us pointers about our writing. I sent her several things that I had and then met with her during the conference. It was definitely a highlight of the conference. She liked my writing and my style. She had some book ideas for me, but I wasn't really interested in going those directions. She took special interest in a story I had written about Spencer and told me about a contest she was doing and said that I should consider submitting the story in the contest.

After I got home I looked up the information. Then I had to revamp the story to fit in the guidelines and submit it. I was so excited during the 2 weeks or so that I had to wait for the winners to be announced. She picked 3 winners from all the stories submitted. I was one of them! Not only was I one of the winners but I was also one of the only ones that didn't need to revise or edit my writing! (That probably only mattered to me, but I actually cared about that a lot!)

Well, my memory is a little fuzzy about the time frame but I remember that I was waiting for the book to come out around summer time, but it didn't happen. Then the book idea had turned into maybe a 4 book deal and my story had got moved to the 2nd book in the series that never made it to print. Periodically I would check her website to see if anything was happening, but life happened and it got pushed further and further from my mind. Every once in a while it would cross my mind, but mostly I forgot about it.

Then yesterday I got that text from Melody's teacher and I was so excited! I got online and started looking up the book at amazon.com and found it! I went to barnesandnoble.com and found it! I looked it up at Mardels.com and found it! I had butterflies in my tummy from the excitement. I had a house full of company so I couldn't just get out and buy it like I wanted to. I had to stay and eat the Best Breakfast Ever that my Mom had made! Then Randy and I hopped in the car and ran over to Mardel's to buy the book. Of course Randy had to tell the guy who helped us find the book that I was published in the book. (him being my number 1 fan ya know) Anyway, we stood in the aisle as I flipped through the book like a wild woman until there it was....my name...in black and white.



We took it up the front to pay for it, and the man that had already helped us was up there. Randy proceeded to brag about me some more so I got to tell the worker the story. Of course I enjoyed it while I acted super cool about it. : ) Isn't that what famous people are supposed to do?

On the way home Randy began to read the story to me as I drove. When we parked in front of the house I grabbed the book so I could finish reading the story. As I got to the end and it was talking about one day Miles walking into the arms of his big brother Spencer...I lost it. I cried so hard. After the year we've had with Miles and the miracle of him even being alive was so overwhelming. No, he wasn't walking, but he was alive which means there's still time for the miracle of walking!

I got to go inside and show off the book and read what I wrote to my family. Today I got to take it to church and show a few people. The whole thing has been very exciting.

Yes, it's only 3 pages. I know that. It's something though. It's a beginning. For several years now I've had the dream and I believe the promise that one day I will be a #1 Best Selling Author! This little published piece of writing in the middle of other authors like Bill Johnson, Heidi Baker, James Goll and Particia King was a delight to my day and it renewed hope in my heart for the future.

It's almost here...

There's only a few more weeks of school left!

I'm really looking forward to the summer break. (The break...not the heat!)

I love having all the kids home so we can stay up late and sleep late. I love playing games with them and hanging out at the pool!

I'm about to successfully finish a whole year of Home Schooling! I never thought I would home school any of the kids. I didn't know how parents did that. Even with it being one of the worst years our family has ever been through Spencer still will finish his school year on time. That feels like a real accomplishment to me. We've had to double up the work a lot of days to make up for all the time I was in Ft. Worth with Miles, but we've done it. For the most part it has been a wonderful experience. I've been thankful to have so much quality time with Spencer. It hasn't all been pretty...school is not one of Spencer's favorite things, although the kid is a genius! The alarm clock is not his friend! I think maybe if we had school at 7:00 in the evening instead of the morning then he would like it a whole lot more. Unfortunately that is NOT possible around here!

Now Jocie totally wants to home school. She likes the idea of hanging out with me, cooking and getting her school work done quicker. We're not planning on doing it this coming year, but I'm not ruling it out forever. There's something very special about homeschooling.

So, it's my plan to enjoy these last few weeks of schooling although I'm ready for the break! I want to savor this time that Spencer and I have together before all the kids are home all day.