3 Months

Today makes 3 months since Miles died. In many ways this month has been the hardest for me. The first days and months were a whirlwind and pretty foggy for me to try to remember. Everything was such a shock. The second month I was blessed enough to step away from everyday life and be out of town for most of the month. Of course I was still grieving and processing, but I was also distracted a lot. Month 3 slammed with me reality and deep sorrow. I've cried the month away. I've cried as hard as when Miles died. I've fiercely missed him. I've felt lost and empty.

Today though I've had an excitement brewing. Tomorrow the kids will go back to school. I will...I have no idea what I will be doing. I'm starting a new chapter tomorrow. I will be at home without any children. I'm not going to work. I'm not going to school. I'm not going to be taking care of anyone. Well, anyone but myself. I'm going to be....healing.

This week I finally started reading a book that a friend gave me right after Miles died. It's called "Within the Gates."

(The cover of my book looks different.) I couldn't read it when I first got it, but I picked it up this week, and it has brought me some comfort. It records a woman's vision of Heaven. It was written in the early 1900's. I don't know if it's all true. It sounds too good to be true, but Hey, that's what Heaven is right? The descriptions of Heaven are so beautiful, but even more than that the descriptions of Jesus' tender character have been what captured me. Even if it's not all true, which I'm not saying it is or it isn't...It helped me to think of Miles in Heaven more than just Miles not on Earth. Does that make sense?

Today I was looking through some pictures and I came across several pictures that I had taken in the last 6 months before he died. He looked really sick in them. When I've been thinking of "the Miles that I miss" I've thought about my precious smiling Miles. The truth was that he had to work really hard to be on this earth. He was so sick for so long. I don't usually think about how sick he was or how uncomfortable he probably was for a long time. He's not hurting anymore. He's not sick anymore.

I miss Miles more than I can begin to explain. However, at this time, at this moment...I'm happy for him.

(Oh, and thank you Marki for the book!)