Today I took a water bottle and a rag so I could clean his headstone because last time I was there it looked dusty. (I also cleaned the headstone above his which is Randy's Dads, but it's much older and didn't come as clean.)
What do I do when I go to Miles's grave?
- Cry
- Sometimes I lie down next to him and pretend we're at home together.
- Get stickers in my pants
- Pray and ask God to please help me through this
- Feel thankful that he wasn't buried in Babyland. I don't know why this matters to me, but it does.
- I like to bring some kind of trinket
- Sweat and get bit by ants
- Try to picture Miles in Heaven instead of in the earth
- Tell Miles that I love him
- Think about how bad it sucks that he died
- Feel empty
- Usually get a headache
- Look at a painting of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane
- Feel guilty for not coming more often and ridiculous for coming at all
5 comments:
Thanks for sharing! I know when Timijane died my parents went through a similar thing. It was almost like they had to go at times. On the other hand, I hated going and avoided it at all costs. When I go (even now) it makes me mad, sad, and frustrated...but I think the mementos, trinkets, etc comfort my parents in some way...I think the longing in a parents heart for their child is sooo different from anything else...it really makes you pause and consider how God must feel about His children from whom he is separated.
Ashlee, I appreciate you sharing that. Thanks!
Thanks for giving me that glimpse into your process. I never understood the visiting the grave thing probably because I didn't grow up with that and I've never had anyone really close to me that I felt compelled to "visit". My grandmother was the hardest death to take, but I don't feel like visiting her grave. Maybe it's because I have in-laws that feel it's necessary to visit on special occasions and just whenever to chit-chat. I've actually heard them say, "We're going to see Mother. It's been too long since we visited and we need to go see her." Yeah, that's probably it.
Anyway, when I hear it from you, it sounds sweet and endearing. And I know how you feel about the whole thing. I think Miles appreciates it.
I have the same thoughts when I stop by Christian's grave. Why am I here? HE'S not even here!
Sometimes I pray (always to God), or talk (to Christian, even though I know he isn't there), or I just stand there and remember him... Other times I stop by just to clean the marker-- I keep a hand brush (little sweeper thingy) and a bottle of water in the car for this. And I always get bit by stupid fireants. *sigh*
Grief doesn't make sense, nor does it have to. Just take it one day and moment at a time. God will walk through it with you! Praying for you today.
We are as He has made us.
I think anything you do to try and make sense of it all is good for you. You will get through this but I don't think that you will ever stop carrying around a tiny "shard" of it in your heart.
Praying for you and lifting you up
Nicole
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