Peace one Piece at a Time

Obviously I've been having a hard time about Miles lately. Usually I pride myself on not being much of a "crier." I can probably officially quit saying that. I can't remember a time in my whole life where I've cried even before getting out of bed (besides the last couple of weeks.) I'm not even depressed. I'm just heartbroken.

ANYWAY! I don't plan it being one of those crying posts.

My point is the other day I had a lovely Hobby Lobby gift card given to me. Have I ever mentioned my LOVE for gift cards? Oh I love the free money feeling! I usually hold onto them and dream about what I will spend it on. On Monday of this week I knew the snow was a-comin'. So I asked my mother in law if she could watch the kids a little while so I could go to Hobby Lobby. As I look back I'm thinking that my time could have been more wisely spent buying groceries for the family since we are out of everything now, but I had no idea the snow would still be around! Honestly, I think I spent my time very wisely. The "fruit" from my Hobby Lobby trip has brought a fruit of the spirit back to me that I had been missing for awhile...PEACE.

While I was shopping I didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to buy. I was just looking around. I found a glass craft cube. I've looked at them before but never knew what I would do with them. They were half off (my love language) and as I held it a scripture came to mind where it talks about how God's thoughts about us are more numerable than the grains of sand. That's what I had been feeling about the number of thoughts/fears I've had about Miles lately. As I held the glass cube I had an idea...or an idea was given to me. You pick.

I thought about getting the jar and some bright colored trinkets and putting a trinket in the cube every time I thought about Miles as sort of a way to release my fears into the cube. Is this feeling too new-agey for you? I admit it sounds a little hokey, but it's really helped me. I went down every aisle at Hobby Lobby just looking for different things that caught my eye (and that were half off) to put in the cube. I found several things and made it home right before the winter storm started to come down.

The first thing I did was look up Psalm 139. I knew that's where the scripture was about the grains of sand. I looked it up, and copied it by hand on a piece of paper. That in itself was healing. With every verse I was meditating on it with God's view of Miles. My heart felt lighter and lighter as I copied the verse. It reminded me that God knew every day of Miles's life before the foundations of the world was laid.

In the last few days I've been putting things in the cube when I've felt fearful about Miles, thankful for Miles, when I've prayed for him and when I feel a little crazy about this situation. I've been repeating God's word back to Him regarding Miles and I've found strength in that.

I've been putting in some of the trinkets I bought at Hobby Lobby, but also stuff around the house. If I'm in the other room and catch myself worrying or praying I will pick something up from the room and go put it in the cube. Every time I drop something in there I feel a release. Yesterday I went to bed and realized I had gone the whole day without crying! Now, usually that wouldn't have been a huge accomplishment for me, but it was yesterday and I was happy about it.

So, we don't have any groceries, but I do have more peace, and that's a heck of a lot better than a refrigerator full of food!

Snow Fun!

Snow Days, No School, 5 Kids, No TV. What to do?

We've played board games, made flip books, sewed, carved people out of soap, played leggos, homeschooled together, chased our dog after she caught her first bird and proudly brought it in the house to show her family, made cards, took naps AND...

A friend of mine named Toy posted on Facebook a great idea. She suggested filling up water guns with food colored water to play with in the snow. I loved the idea but we don't have any water guns. Then I remembered all the huge syringes that Miles has for feedings. I surprised the kids with water colored syringes. If you look at the picture I put a regular sized syringe in there so you could tell just how big the other ones really are. They had a lot of fun with it.

Love Days Like These!











Miles isn't in to snow. He stayed snugly warm in his bed.

My Spencer

Today was a rough homeschool day. Spencer just wasn't "feelin' it." He kept getting easily frustrated. I tried being patient, but it just kept going on, and then he began to be rude to me. He was acting like I was punishing him by making him do his school work. I finally told him that if he was rude to me or even gave me another ugly look that he would have to finish the day's school work on his own. Well, it happened. I didn't say a word. I just looked at the rest of the lessons, which only happened to be science and history and wrote out what he had to do to complete the work. I also told him that I didn't deserve to be treated in that way.

I think he was a little shocked by the whole thing. He told me he was sorry and I forgave him. He didn't throw a fit. He took it like a Champ and did all the work by himself, AND WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE!

As if that wasn't awesome enough...When I came home from picking up the other kids from school he had a surprise for me! He had gone to Dollar General (he had permission from his Grandma who was watching him) and with his own money bought me this:


He told me he was sorry for how he had treated me!

Tears filled my eyes. He had the sweetest face!

I'm so blessed to have the children that I do! Thank you Lord for each one of them and their sweet and tender hearts!

Mark 14:32-36

The last couple of days I've been praying for Miles a lot more differently than I have for the last 6 years. I've always prayed for healing. I've always prayed for the miraculous. I've always tried to believe against all the odds that Miles would be healed. The last few days that has not been my prayer. I've been praying that God would heal Miles or that God would take Miles. His body is so tired. Right now he's laying in my lap as I type. He was hurting so bad earlier that I had to give him medicine so he could rest. He's not tolerating food very well. Yesterday we could only give him a few ounces of Pediasure. His button just keeps leaking because his food isn't being digested so it sits in his tummy and won't let anymore go in.
All that to explain how my prayers have been different. I keep picturing Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Today I looked up in the Bible where Jesus is praying in the Garden and the words I read felt so familiar to my spirit.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane

32 They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” 33 He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. 34 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
35 He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. 36 “Abba, Father,”[h] he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
Mark 14:32-36


Don't freak out on me here. I'm not saying that what I'm going through is just like what Jesus was about to go through, but it is about suffering. Jesus knew what he was about to have to endure and it said that Jesus was deeply troubled and distressed. That is how I feel. I've been deeply troubled and distressed! I'm holding Miles and thinking about the very real possibility that he will die soon and I want that "awful hour to pass me by." At the same time I know that unless Jesus heals Miles while still on earth the only thing that will bring peace to Miles's body is death. That's a cup of suffering that I would like God to take away from me. Yet, I want God's will to be done, not mine.

I have to believe that it's not God's will to allow Miles to suffer much longer. What glory could this pain bring to God? As much as I love Miles I have to believe that God loves him infinitely more. My screen is so blurry right now because of the big tears that keep filling up in my eyes.

It's very possible that Miles will keep going. He's been through so much and yet, he's still alive. Not only is he still alive, but he also still manages to have a smile on his face a lot of times. (There's a sermon in there somewhere!)

Please pray that God will have mercy on Miles's body and heal him quickly or quickly allow him to die peacefully. God's will be done, not mine.

The Little Engine that Could.

Today I'm empathizing with The Little Engine that Could.



I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN.

On a Lighter Note...

Okay, on a much lighter note I will give you a breakdown of my Top 10 Favorite Movies.

I'm telling you if I owned all 10 of these movies it's very possible that I would not have much need to watch another movie again. I actually own a few of them and watch them all the time. The list looks like what a typical gay man might also like to watch and I'm fine with that. I love me a good musical! You may be wondering if Randy shares my love for musicals. Well, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you his business on here, so privately if you wanted to ask him the lyrics to any of the movies listed below I think you may find your answer. (I know for a fact though that he's not a gay man.)

Just looking up the pictures for these DVD's (which are all available from Amazon.com if you decide you must have them as well) made me feel good and happy inside.

With no further ado (that's the sort of thing they say in Musicals) I give you my FAVORITES!!!















What are a few of your movies that would make your Top 10?

How's Miles?

Ok, here I go being brave and courageous.

Here’s something I’ve wanted everyone to know, but just haven’t known how to sugar coat it enough until now. The truth is that I don’t know a sugar sweet enough to cover up this bitter.

I hate being a Debbie Downer like a Dentist hates telling a patient she’s out of Novocain.

It’s just not me. I’m an eternal optimist. I see the glass half full. I see the world through rose-colored lenses. I’m happy-go-lucky. I have the joy of the Lord.

However, here’s the deal…Miles is not doing well. I know. Shocker right? The thing is that when I say he’s not doing well; I mean that he actually may not live much longer. Maybe he will live for years and years. Of course that’s a possibility. It just doesn’t look like that will be the outcome.

Wait! There’s more.

A couple of weeks after we came back from Ft. Worth I began the process of enrolling Miles in Hospice. I’ve been dreading everyone knowing that, yet I’ve also longed for everyone to know. I’ve felt very lonely in this decision. It’s not really something you post on Facebook. Brandi Wilson has just enrolled her 6 year old son in Hospice. It’s also not something I would tell someone when they ask me, “How’s Miles?” I’ve told a couple of people, but they had to hear the whole explanation behind it. I guess I’ve been fearful of what people would think about the situation if they didn’t hear our heart behind our decision.

The truth is that it’s been a heart wrenching month and a half for us, but for me especially. It’s different being the mama. Call me naive or faithful, but up until very recently I still held fast to the thought that God would heal Miles. I thought he would be restored. I thought God would give him a new brain or heal the one he has. I thought I would walk into Miles’s room one day to find him running around and messing with all the stuff in his room. I’ve longed for it, prayed for it, fasted for it, begged for it, sobbed for it, threw a fit for it, and nothing has worked. He’s just gotten sicker. He’s just gotten weaker. He’s lost more and more of his limited functions.

In December the things I saw him go through were horrifying. I still have flashes of different scenes that continue to flash through my mind. Projectile bleeding, panic in his eyes, intubation, blood transfusions, flying to the children’s hospital, blood clots, the meeting where Randy and I signed the Do Not Resuscitate form, watching the nurses take out Miles’s breathing tube and waiting to see if he would live or die, Rachel and I watching Miles turn terrible shades of purple as he fought to breathe. Believe me…the list goes on.

Most of the things I’ve dealt with and have seen I wouldn’t even want you to be able to understand how I feel. They’re too sad. They’re too consuming. Even more than that though, I don’t want Miles to have to go through anything like that again. He’s tired. There’s nothing else I can ask him to do. There’s not another hospital I want him to have to go to. I don’t want him to have to endure any longer. For a long time Miles had more good days than bad days. That’s not the case any more.

In the last month I’ve seen Miles almost die 3 times. One of those times was at home the day after I enrolled him in Hospice Care. He was having carbon monoxide poisoning from too much oxygen. Crazy.

Today a Hospice nurse had to come and check on him because he’s so sick. His lungs are filled with liquid, he’s having so much trouble breathing, he’s coughing up crazy junk, and when he opens his eyes they’re full of panic because he can’t get enough air. The nurse said he has pneumonia again. When she left she planned on calling the pediatrician to see what pain meds he should be on so he will be more comfortable. He could go into the hospital, but we’ve decided to keep him home and make sure he’s as comfortable as he can be.

I’m a wreck. I didn’t know if my son was going to be alive this morning when I laid him down to bed last night. I got up to check his stats at 2:00 in the morning. I’m holding him while I can in case he’s not around to hold much longer. I’m typing this in his room while I watch him breathe hard and while listening to the oxygen machine make it’s noise and the monitors make their beeping noise, and there’s nothing I can do to make all this stop. There’s not a pause button I can push while I home school Spencer or make jello treats for when the other kids come home from school or when I have to do laundry or when Randy wants time with his wife or when…

That’s probably why my hair is falling out in clumps and why I continue to cram stuff in my mouth that is covered with sugar, cheese or fermented grapes. That’s probably why I’m thinking about getting some iron on letters and putting “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” on my shirt. If my husband asks me one more time “How are you doing?” I’m not sure what I will do, but it won’t be pretty.

If you’re still reading this I actually feel really bad for you at this point because if the tables were turned and I was you then I would have no idea what to say to me. The only thing that I could think of saying to bring comfort would be, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so sad, and I want to be here for you if I can.” Then I would probably try to think of something funny to say and follow it up with, “I love you.” I would hope that I would take the time to say something to you. Maybe it wouldn’t be the right thing to say, but it would be something.

Homeschool Space

Here are some pictures of our homeschool space. We do most of our school work at the kitchen table. We used to move all over the house, but we've become kind of a machine. We used to take breaks, eat lunch, read snuggled up in bed, but not much anymore. We sit down to do our work and plow through it. We always try to get done by 1:00. I've usually got something I have to do in the afternoons so schoolwork needs to be done. Every once in awhile we will have to do our last two subjects, which are history and science after I pick the other kids up from school, but that breeds chaos. Anyway, I just thought you'd like to see some pictures of our cute this space. href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbFmzBjyRnfgy_XCqAVKBeCzmh2E9n1RqtgcrsOfR2EOcIJ2AkYWmAL3pGI2yUaiZ4DBdDpmtLL7je2uGFPpZMjtsacWevNSSxwsQoqhScUBcEWP4coPxiq7Bbbjf6PIeKyyktHw/s1600/hs4.jpg">



Oh Yeah, and on the chalkboard I was letting Spencer call out the spelling words to me to see if I could spell them all. The list was of French Words. I misspelled a couple of them. Can you find the misspelled word or words??? Those dang Frenchies spell their words weird! : )

How did I get here?

Wait a second...How did all this happen?

How did my life get turned upside down?

How is it that I have a son that has almost died 3 times in the last month?

How can it be that I've signed the paperwork for Hospice for my own child?

How do I make all this stop?

When will things get better?

Will things get better?

What do I do until things get better?

How do I answer, "How is Miles?"

Sewing

I started cross stitching when I was 7 or 8. A teacher taught my class one year at Christmas. We worked on it every day after lunch for about a month. We made a little Christmas Wreath. I loved doing it! I've cross stitched off and on every since then. I made all my children baby blankets. The last few years I started making the blankets and putting them away for my future grandchildren. Of course I know that seems premature, but I have 5 kids and since it takes me a year to make a blanket...I want to make sure they each get one. The girls have always been interested in my sewing. They always ask if they can help me. I will let them pull the needle through or cut my string. Well, last night I took the time to TEACH them how to cross stitch. I've explained the basics here and there, but last night I taught them how to do the whole thing. I taught them how to use the sewing hoop. Then I had them practice putting it on and off. Next I taught them both how to thread a needle and knot their thread at the end. They practiced that for a long time. Then I taught them how to read the pattern. Next they got to learn how to sew on their own and how to tie off before cutting their thread. They caught on so quickly! They've been sewing every since! They love it. They keep thanking me for teaching them. It's been so neat to watch them. Their work is coming out beautiful. I love that I taught them how to do it all. Now they can sew when they want. They've been planning all sorts of projects for their "babies in the future."












The last four pictures are of some things I've done recently. I'm sure Jocie & Melody will be catching up with me in no time!

For Hire

Do you have a Product or Business and you're looking for a New and Creative Way to Advertise? Well, look no further!


To make a few extra bucks we've decided to hire out Melody's backside for advertising. Right now she's got a gig with Taco Casa.

She temporarily subbed it out to her Pops.


So, if you've got a business & you're wanting to advertise let me know. We've got 7 backsides here just waiting to earn you and us money!


If you're looking to advertise with the Tween crowd then you will probably be wanting the JOEY package. He hangs out at Madison Middle School all day. You can also find him at the Tennis courts even when it's cold outside. The good thing about this package is that you know it's dependable. If he's agreed to work for you then you can relax and now that he will follow through! Your investment is almost risk free with this package!

If you don't mind spending a little extra cash you could go with the MILES package. His costs a little more because the lights on his wheelchair light up, plus he's really adorable so tons of people stare at him all the time. WIth this package you get more bang for your buck.

I would suggest the RANDY package if you would like your business to be seen in such establishments as Lowe's, Home Depot, McCoy's or other manly places. As often as he can he will advertise at The Leaf, so if you do not wish your product to be in places that glorify tobacco then you may want to think twice about this package. This package comes with authentic hard working man jeans guaranteed to have paint and caulk on them.

I already mentioned that Melody is working with Taco Casa at the moment, but she's always up for new, bigger and better adventures. With the MELODY package you not only get advertising, but she will also agree to work for candy or toys! This could save you money!!

If you've got an Unique or Quirky item you'd like to show off then the SPENCER package is what you're interested in. Spencer's bright red hair and fun loving personality will make your product shine. Spencer can be found walking his dog daily so our neighborhood will be blanketed with your special business! A special redhead for a special product!

Another great package that's available is the BRANDI package. With this package your business will be seen all over town and the Metroplex area! Brandi can be found in SCHOOLS, GROCERY STORES, HOSPITALS, CHURCHES, PHARMACIES, RESTAURANTS, DEPARTMENTS STORES, PEDIATRICIANS OFFICE...AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!! (If you're slogan is a little "wordy" then this package also may be good for you because Brandi has some extra room in the back for such accommodations as this.)

Lastly, we have the JOCIE package. If you've been looking for a pure, and morally correct place to advertise then this package is for you! Rarely will you find your advertising in a place that would embarrass your company or product. When in doubt of the package that's right for you the JOCIE package is a sure thing!



(Picture of Melody crossing her arms after she found out her brothers stuck a Taco Casa Bumber Sticker on her bottom)

**No, space is not really available on our rears.**

***Well, maybe, but we will have discuss prices.***

****Ok, yes, space is available! Let's talk today!!****