Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Who Knew There Was A Difference?

Okay Pam…You picked #3. Of course you did. Who doesn’t enjoy a good embarrassing story…when it’s not your own of course.

BOYS, you’re not allowed to read this one.

Now you really want to know don’t cha!

Here’s my most embarrassing story about myself.

It happened when I was pregnant with someone. I’m pretty sure it was Miles but it could have been Melody. I’m really thinking it was Miles. I had an appointment to go see my OB doctor. It was somewhere in the middle of my pregnancy where the appointments are a little boring. Well, if it’s your fifth pregnancy it’s boring. I don’t know why I have to go to an appointment, wait for 2 hours to see the doctor, be tortured on the scale, listen to the heartbeat and then schedule another appointment for 4 more weeks. Come on! Why can’t I just weigh myself at home, lie to them about my weight gain when I get there, slap on some cold jelly on my own stomach and then listen to the heartbeat myself? If I have further questions then I could just shoot the doc a text on my own time.

Aw, I digress.

Anyway, so I knew I had an appointment that day. As I recall it was summer because I had to get a babysitter for all my other kids to go to the appointment. Several times I took the other kids with me, but the doctor made it a habit of walking into the little room with me and all my kids and saying, “Wow. It looks like a daycare center in here.” Then to my shock he would always follow that up with asking me, “Who are all these kids?” “Are you kidding?” I would wonder. They’re mine! “Um, helloooo…You’ve delivered a couple of these kids.”

That doctor was strange. He could always remember Randy’s name, what Randy did for a living and where Randy used to work, but he had trouble remembering that we had a million kids and one more on the way.

I digressed again.

Okay, focus.

I had the appointment, got the other kids with my mother in law and rushed to the doctor’s office for an early morning appointment so I could wait forever in the waiting room.

I did wait forever. Then I got the cold jelly stuff squeezed on my belly and had an enjoyable 7.4 seconds of bliss when I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Then shock and horror came upon me when the nurse said, “Go ahead and take off your clothes because the doctor has to blah blah blah blah to check your blah blah blah.” I can’t remember what the doctor had to check because all I could think was, “WHAT?” The thing is that I just thought it was a normal in and out appointment so…I didn’t bother taking a shower that morning!!!

Now I didn’t have anything crazy going on down there, but my gosh! I like that area to be presentable if someone’s going to be poking around in the area.

Well, I got my clothes off and wrapped up in the cloth they gave me. I was sitting on the table and scheming on what in the world I could do. If I had brought the other kids then I would have had a diaper bag and I would have had access to diaper wipes. That would have been great, but I didn’t have any. That got me thinking though.

I hopped off the table and began rummaging in the all the drawers and cabinets for some paper towels that I could wet in the sink. No paper towels. There were tissues, but I didn’t want it to shed from being wet. Hmmm, I kept looking because I thought that I might find some moist toilettes’. Nope, but I did find some alcohol preps. “Sweet!” I thought.

I hurried up, opened the alcohol prep, wiped around very well and threw away the evidence. I jumped up on the table so my buns wouldn’t be showing when the doctor came in when all the sudden Fire was upon my Female part! It wasn’t a burning sensation! It was a pulsing burn. My face felt flushed and my heart began racing. I was just picturing the doctors reaction when he took a peek at my pulsing red you-know-what! I can’t actually say it was red because I was pregnant and couldn’t actually see it, but I’m pretty sure it had to be altered in color!

Well, I was pretty sure that the pain would pass quickly and I was just praying that the doctor was going to take his sweet time like usual! FIVE MINUTES LATER it was still burning!!! I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know if I should stick my head out the door for a nurse and tell on myself or what. I decided to call Randy. When I told him what I did he couldn’t help but laugh at me. He said, “You used what?” He was shocked that I didn’t know there was a difference between a moist toilette and an alcohol prep. Excuse me but I missed the seminar!

He talked to me enough to get me calm. As I was on the phone things started to settle down there. My pulse slowed down, and to my advantage the doctor did take his own sweet time.

By the time he got to the blah blah blah part of the appointment all was right with the world. If he noticed that I was a little more disinfected than usual he never made mention of it. For that I’m eternally grateful.

And that’s my most embarrassing story & the reason I don’t ever want to be pregnant again. Well, one of many.


Pamelotta said...

Ok. That was pretty good. I thought for sure thst story would start to sound familiar after I started getting into it, but I think that one was new to me. I can't believe you didn't share it already.

I've made a mental note so that never happens to me!

God's Warrior Bride said...

Oh my! Now that I've taken a deep breath and stopped laughing, I seem to be at a loss for words! The reason being, I see way to much of myself in this story. You have just made my day knowing I am not alone! Thanks for sharing and I've made a mental note to not use the alcohol preps!



Bryan and Becky said...

That's so funny...and I would have done the same thing...well, maybe not the alcohol prep cloth but the stressing about how I didn't take a shower and what I was going to do...I always feel so good after knowing I'm not the only one that does these things!

Rachel said...

That is absolutely hilarious!! You are so funny!!

Start World Hunger said...

Wow! That's so embarrasing! I'm so glad you shared it, though because that sounds like something I would do. Just say no-to alcohol prep thingies.

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