Jocie's 10th Birthday!!!!

Today is my beautiful Jocie's  10th Birthday! I can hardly believe she's 10. She still seems like such a little girl to me. She has the sweetest spirit. I'm so thankful for that. This afternoon she wrote a letter to God and she shared it with me. I just had to share it with you. It's a peek into her gentle and loving soul. 


Dear God, 
Thank you for being here for me and for my family in our hard times. We wouldn't be here without you God. It's been hard ever since Miles died and you've cheered us up. My best friend Larissa just left school and now I'm the only girl in my class. We're going to Fountaingate Fellowship and my friend goes to church there. I like going there but its hard because I miss Grace Point. My family can eat out once a week because of our budget. I'm liking it because we've tried different things like country grits and sausage casserole. I love you God and I should start talking to you more often. 
Love, Jocie


Thank you Lord for my precious Jocie girl! 

Good Grief Group Charlie Brown

Tonight I went to the first of 8 classes at Beltway for people dealing with the death of a loved one.

Man, who thought, "Let's get a bunch of depressed people together, talk about extremely depressing things and people will feel better?"

I met a couple that lost their son the same month as I lost Miles. It's a strange feeling. I was sitting by two people that actually Know what I've been dealing with and feeling. I wanted to push pause on the meeting, forget all social norms about sharing intimate details with strangers, and really talk about how incredibly hard it is to lose a child.

I had the sensation of what I think it must feel like for a person in a foreign land to run into someone from their hometown. I wanted to go over details and cry with them and for them. I wanted to find out how they have made it so far and find out what areas they really aren't making it. Yes, there were other people in the room, and some of them even had lost their child, but I think I was drawn to them since it's been the exact amount of time passed since our sons have died.

The mom did give me her number. I doubt I will call her. Still, it was nice of her to give it to me.

I'm glad I went even though it was sort of torturous. Almost as soon as I got there my throat closed up. The whole time it felt like if I opened my mouth and dared to speak Miles's name that I would begin to cry and not be able to stop. Several times I pictured myself getting up and running to the car. I wanted to escape, yet I also wanted to stay.

Today they talked about the 5 stages of Grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

I'm stuck momentarily at the Depression stage. Recently, I have had moments of feeling like myself. That makes me hopeful. I'm still not there though. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard because who in the world enjoys feeling so miserable all the time? I don't. It's frustrating to want to live life, but feel like you're stuck and not able to move forward. 

I plan on going through the rest of the sessions. I feel like it's at least something I can do to try and feel better. Also, I will hopefully be able to get to know some people that truly understand how I'm feeling. Plus, what else is there to do on Monday nights? 

For King & Country Busted Heart *LYRICS*

5 Months

5 Months

Today makes 5 months since Miles died. 

5 months.

5 really long, sad and draining months. 

This process of grieving really sucks. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I'm convinced that it's not always going to be this hard. I don't know when things will begin to feel better, but I do have confidence that the rest of my life will not feel this dark. 

I miss Miles, and I miss Me. I miss feeling like me. 

Mourning

My life is poured out like water, 

and all of my bones are out of joint.

My heart is like wax, 

melting within me.

My strength has dried up like

sunbaked clay.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my

mouth.

You have laid me in the dust

and left me for dead. 

Psalm 22:14-15

Middle School Dance

Randy and I were asked to be chaperones for the Fun Night at the boy's middle school. We agreed to do it. The Fun Night has all kinds of games to play, food to eat and basketball. It also has a Dance, and lucky us...we were asked to chaperone the dance. The PTA lady said, "Would you mind doing the dance? No one ever wants to the dance! It's really loud in there and you have to make sure the kids aren't dancing too close and all that." We told her that we would do it.

Well, here's the summary of the evening:

• I got to break up a cat fight in the girls bathroom. 
• A girl had an actual seizure. Randy had to carry her out and wait for help to arrive.
• We had to break up major girl on girl nasty dancing. 

and last but totally not least...

• Later one of the girl dancers we broke up came up to Randy and told him that he sucks balls.

So....obviously the night Rocked Our Faces Off! 

It's almost his birthday.

Next Wednesday would be Miles's birthday. He would turn 7.

I've thought that no less than 30 times today and yesterday and Saturday.

The thought of him not being here to celebrate his life takes my own breath away.

How am I going to get through that day?

We won't be able to give him Cotton Candy, which is the only thing we could give him because it would just dissolve on his tongue. He won't be here to take to the zoo. I usually used his birthday money from his aunt and uncle to buy a yearly zoo pass and then we would take him to the zoo. He loved being pushed around in his wheelchair outside. He won't be here to get all these kisses and hugs we have stored up for him.

It's not getting easier to be without him.

Is it possible that it's getting harder?

I'm walking around and going about my day, but it feels like my heart is aching with such intensity that I'm surprised other people can't feel it. It's so strong in me that it seems like it should be contagious.

How is it possible that all the days I have left on earth will be without that sweet face to kiss? It will be without his perfect curly hair and his innocent spirit.