Tuesday, January 31, 2012


God has bound my broken heart. He has proclaimed freedom for this captive. He has released me from darkness. God has comforted me as I've mourned. He's giving me beauty for ashes and joy instead of mourning. God has given me the ability to praise instead of despair. I will be called an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. 

I'm not saying that everyday is perfect. It's not. I still cry often and miss Miles. I'm still struggling with bad dreams  at night where I dig Miles up from the ground and try to keep him alive. I still have "off" days. However, in the last month Isaiah 61:1-4 has been true in my life. Hope for a future is being restored in me. I'm enjoying my day to day more. I'm excited about current things and things to come. I can breathe deeper and see clearer. 

I've always been a "happy-go-lucky" or "glass half full" kind of girl. I've always been joyful. Until recently though I never knew what a beautiful gift JOY really is. I just always had it. Even when things were really rough growing up I still had joy. I took it for granted. I've always heard the verse about the joy of the Lord being our strength, but again, I took it for granted. I don't ever want to take that beautiful gift of JOY for granted again. Philippians 4:4 says, "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice!"

That is one amazing lesson I learned from Miles. That kid was either asleep or full of joy. He had no in between.  What a marvelous way to live! Asleep or Joyfull! Even though Miles never did say a word or even take one little step on his own two feet...in many ways he had it all figured out. 

Here he's managing to be both asleep and joyful at the same time. : ) 

Monday, January 23, 2012

Jocie's 10th Birthday!!!!

Today is my beautiful Jocie's  10th Birthday! I can hardly believe she's 10. She still seems like such a little girl to me. She has the sweetest spirit. I'm so thankful for that. This afternoon she wrote a letter to God and she shared it with me. I just had to share it with you. It's a peek into her gentle and loving soul. 

Dear God, 
Thank you for being here for me and for my family in our hard times. We wouldn't be here without you God. It's been hard ever since Miles died and you've cheered us up. My best friend Larissa just left school and now I'm the only girl in my class. We're going to Fountaingate Fellowship and my friend goes to church there. I like going there but its hard because I miss Grace Point. My family can eat out once a week because of our budget. I'm liking it because we've tried different things like country grits and sausage casserole. I love you God and I should start talking to you more often. 
Love, Jocie

Thank you Lord for my precious Jocie girl! 

Monday, January 16, 2012

Good Grief Group Charlie Brown

Tonight I went to the first of 8 classes at Beltway for people dealing with the death of a loved one.

Man, who thought, "Let's get a bunch of depressed people together, talk about extremely depressing things and people will feel better?"

I met a couple that lost their son the same month as I lost Miles. It's a strange feeling. I was sitting by two people that actually Know what I've been dealing with and feeling. I wanted to push pause on the meeting, forget all social norms about sharing intimate details with strangers, and really talk about how incredibly hard it is to lose a child.

I had the sensation of what I think it must feel like for a person in a foreign land to run into someone from their hometown. I wanted to go over details and cry with them and for them. I wanted to find out how they have made it so far and find out what areas they really aren't making it. Yes, there were other people in the room, and some of them even had lost their child, but I think I was drawn to them since it's been the exact amount of time passed since our sons have died.

The mom did give me her number. I doubt I will call her. Still, it was nice of her to give it to me.

I'm glad I went even though it was sort of torturous. Almost as soon as I got there my throat closed up. The whole time it felt like if I opened my mouth and dared to speak Miles's name that I would begin to cry and not be able to stop. Several times I pictured myself getting up and running to the car. I wanted to escape, yet I also wanted to stay.

Today they talked about the 5 stages of Grief:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance
I'm stuck momentarily at the Depression stage. Recently, I have had moments of feeling like myself. That makes me hopeful. I'm still not there though. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard because who in the world enjoys feeling so miserable all the time? I don't. It's frustrating to want to live life, but feel like you're stuck and not able to move forward. 

I plan on going through the rest of the sessions. I feel like it's at least something I can do to try and feel better. Also, I will hopefully be able to get to know some people that truly understand how I'm feeling. Plus, what else is there to do on Monday nights?