Friday, July 22, 2011

2 Months

It’s been 2 months since Miles died.
Typing the words 2 months doesn’t seem to do the subject any justice.
That’s about 1,488 hours.
Now we’re talking.
Hours have been more my pace these last 2 months.
One hour I may be fine. The next I may be crying. The next hour I may be thinking about changing up Miles’s room. The next hour I may not allow one thing to be moved from his room. And when I say hour…I really mean every 15 minutes.

It’s crazy! I can go from laughing to crying or crying to laughing in about 1.2 seconds. Over the years I’ve prided myself on not being a “crier.” What does the Bible say? Pride comes before a what??? Yeah, Oh how the mighty have fallen. : ) I’ve cried more this past year then my whole life combined. It’s really not so bad now that I’m used to it. The tears come, there’s a release and I’m back to joy. I’m just trying to let it come and let it go. It feels like the healthy thing to do right now.

If something in my life is tough I like to tell myself that it will be better 2 weeks from now. (I may have given you this advice if you’ve had a problem.) It’s usually true. The things of the day that tend to bother me usually will not be an issue 2 weeks from today. I like to focus on that because it helps me put the problem into perspective. So far, I don’t see the 2 week goal making this situation any better. I don’t know when I will be better. I don’t know how long this process of grief will last.

Time is so strange. I wonder how it can already be 2 months since I held Miles. At the same time I think about him, dream about him and long for him all day long which makes it seem like forever since he’s been in my arms.



I know a lot of people, most people really, are relieved that Miles is no long suffering and in Heaven. I’m not one of them. I’m not there yet. I just can’t seem to find comfort that he’s in a better place. I know how much I loved him while he was on earth. I know that I did everything in my power to make sure he was as comfortable as he could be. I know how much our family loved him, how our family treated him when no one was around and Miles was loved everyday of his life. Am I saying that my house and family is better than Heaven…oh my gosh I hope not! I’m just saying that as the Mommy I want to know my baby is being loved on and taken care of, and I’m not the one doing it so it’s hard for me to find comfort about that.

Right now I’m on our 15th anniversary 2 WEEK vacation at the beach!!! (So why am I whining right???) I’m at the beach, my favorite place…with Randy, my favorite person. I’m having a wonderful time! Really! I still miss him though. The beach doesn’t drive away the sadness. It does help though. : ) I know this time alone was set up by the Lord. I’m so thankful for that. I don’t think I will come back totally healed, but I believe there is healing for Randy and I here.

I’m so thankful for all the kind messages on facebook and texts and comments on my blog. The little notes of encouragement and love have been a lifeline to me. I treasure them…so thank you! Thank you for walking this out with me.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sweet Gift

A sweet friend at church gave me a beautiful gift yesterday. She handed me a neatly decorated box, hugged me and then told me to open it when I got home.



I made it almost to my house before I opened it. : )



When I saw the necklace tears immediately began to fill my eyes. When I showed it to Randy he began to cry. He actually had to pull over because we were both crying and plus we wanted to take a minute to really think about the gift. Randy said, "God is so personal." God knows the thing I long for is to hold Miles again. The words on the necklace capture my heart's cry at this time.

I'm so thankful for my special gift. I put it on last night and it's already one of my favorite things.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Melody Free Stylin'

I found this video tonight of Melody free stylin' and it cracked me up. She is so dang cute!

video

Monday, July 11, 2011

It's ok to say his name.

Dear Friends,
I know it must be awkward. I’m guessing most of you are worried about saying the wrong thing to me. I’m assuming you don’t want to upset me so you avoid talking about Miles. Here’s the deal. Miles died. My son died. The son that I took care of everyday and went through both heaven and hell on earth with…he died.
I want to talk about it! I need to talk about it! I don’t think every conversation should be about Miles. I don’t even want that. However, if I’m around you for 2 hours and I leave without even talking about Miles for a minute I leave feeling so lonely. It makes me want to shout out, “MY SON DIED! HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS! I KNOW YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT! I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES!”
Yes, I’ll probably cry. I could probably use a hug. It’s ok if you don’t have anything to say to comfort me. It’s ok if all you have to say is that you have nothing to say.
It’s probably true that for a while I needed some time alone with my family. Now, I need my friends. The sadness is somehow getting both better and worse. I’m not even sure what that means but it’s true. I need people around me that know and love me and will allow me to talk this whole thing out with them. (Of course I will be out of town for 3 weeks so that makes things a little sticky.) Still, a text, a letter to my facebook inbox, a card sent to my house, phone call, lunch date, a night out…all these things would be greatly appreciated.

I need you.

My life is upside down. I’m learning how to be one person instead of two. It’s almost like I have a whole new life. (I’m just not sold on it yet.)
Please don’t feel pressure to do any of these things today. Of course you can if you want. I really just want you to allow the Spirit to prompt you in these things. He knows what I need and what you have to offer. I just wanted to get it out there that I need my friends and that I need to talk about Miles even if it’s awkward. Even if I cry. Even if you really are unsure of what to say.
I get by with a little help from my friends.

(Unrelated photo inserted here.)

Thursday, July 07, 2011

The WALL

OH MY GOSH!!!! I just spent an hour on this post! When I finished it and looked at the finished project I realized that the pictures are in backwards order. I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT! I don't want to redo it at this time so you will just have to use your imagination on this one. Ugh! Oh well, you will get the point! : )


Our 15th Wedding Anniversary is coming up. On our 13th anniversary we decided that we would start saving for our 15th. Our honeymoon was an overnight trip to Fredricksburg. It was nice, but it was only one day. That's all we could do at the time because of money and work. Well, Randy had an idea to start saving our change so we could go somewhere nice for our 15th anniversary. We've tried saving before, but just like the couple on the movie UP the savings would always get used on everyday things that would come up. SOoooooo....Randy had an unconventional idea and the work skills to back it up. About two years ago Randy put a hole in the wall and a cover plate over it so we could begin to put money in the wall so we couldn't get to it until we were ready.

Last night was the night to get our money out because our vacation is coming up!

Now, Spencer REALLY wanted to take a sledge hammer to the wall, but Randy made the wall in the first place so he knew that all he had to do was take the trim off the bottom of the wall. Joey and Spencer call this the "Lame" way to bust the money out.




Miss Melody showing off some cash!

Mom is visiting this week so she got to be a part of the wall opening. She was a great asset in counting all the money!




Even Molly wanted to help gather the money!


"THE ACCOUNTANTS" We actually counted it all by hand last night. When I took it to the back we were exactly right on the total!

Randy and I are going to Corpus Christi for 2 weeks WITHOUT THE KIDS! Just us! We thought about going other exotic places, but we decided we Want to go to Corpus. It sounds so relaxing and refreshing! I'm looking forward to it more than I can explain!



Joey & Melody got up with me this morning to go cash in the money at our bank. You know they loved me taking their picture in front of the bank. : )


Our Total...$757.42!!!!!!!!
We're soooooo excited! It's like free money! We've just been sticking our change in the wall and it really added up. We put a few dollar bills in there, but really it was mostly just change. So in a week Randy and I will take our "Wall Change" and enjoy spending it in Corpus Christi!!!!!

Monday, July 04, 2011

A Must See...

I've been listing a bunch of stuff on eBay to get ready for our vacation. I'm using the proceeds for extra spending cash.

I've got a really awesome item that I was going to sell on eBay, but I don't really know how to start out the bidding. The thing is the item is both invaluable and worthless at the same time.








In this tin there's a collection of letters, a doctor bill from Scott & White Hospital from 1928, Ration cards from World War ll with some stamps still in it, a letter of recommendation dated Nov 1911, Soldier's letter from 1919, postcards, a written job offer from J.M. Radford grocery company in Abilene, TX from 1918 for $60 per month, post card from Paris in 1918, some kind of special greeting book from Germany in 1913 and a scholarship certificate from Draughon's Practical Business College for book keeping tuition. There's letters written on American Red Cross & Knights of Columbus War Activities stationery. AND...several other things.

Anyway, it's all just amazing. It's history in a charming metal tin.

I'm planning on listing it on eBay in a day or so....UNLESS one of YOU wants to make me an offer on it. Randy and I love the idea of someone getting the letters that will really enjoy them. If that's YOU then leave a comment here, on facebook or text me and let me know.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Free

This morning at church we sang the song I Am Free by the Newsboys.

(Read the lyrics)

Newsboys - I Am Free
From the album Houston We Are Go (Live)

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams I am free
I am free

Chorus: (2x's)
I am free to run
(I am free to run)
I am free to dance
(I am free to dance)
I am free to live for you
(I am free to live for you)
I am free
(I am free)
Yes, I am free
(I am free)

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams I am free
I am free


We used to sing this song a lot at our old church when Miles was much younger. It was a declaration song for me. I would hold Miles's hand and sing it over him. I would sing it to myself and allow my faith to build. I would meditate on the song and visually picture God making Miles see, God allowing Miles to sing, God allowing Miles to dance.

After hearing the song several times I changed the words. I would sing:

Through you Miles will see
Through you Miles will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams Miles is free
Miles is free

Chorus: (2x's)
Miles is free to run
(Miles is free to run)
Miles is free to dance
(Miles is free to dance)
Miles is free to live for you
(Miles is free to live for you)
Miles is free
(Miles is free)
Yes, Miles is free
(Miles is free)

I believed God would heal him. I believed Miles would see. I believed Miles would be free to run and dance. I believed Miles would be able to sing and live for God. I can't say my faith didn't waver. I can't say everyday I believed in those things, but my overall belief was that while on this earth Miles would be free and healed.

Today as the worship team began to play that song my faith, my spirit and my emotions were all at war within me. I wasn't able to hold Miles's hand today to declare that song over him. He wasn't here on this earth running around and dancing free. Yet, more than ever that song was true for Miles today. My spirit knows that's the truth. My faith is trying to work it all out to know it's true. My emotions are screaming, "That's not how I wanted it to happen!"

While on earth Miles was not free. He was bound in his own body. Without medication he couldn't even lift his own arms because of how tight his muscles were. He didn't have the ability to stand, run or dance. Yet, he is no longer bound by this earth or his body. Because of the price that Jesus paid Miles is free.

I feel like I'm paying a price too. It has cost me something to set him free. I poured my life and my love out on him for so long. I believed in his healing for so long. I was physically and emotionally invested for so long, and now I'm without him. There's a part of me that thinks about his true freedom now in Heaven and it really does comfort me. However, there's another part of me, a selfish part, a mother part of me that would yank him right back down from Heaven to be with me again.

Death was not the freedom I was hoping for Miles. Yet, I know he is Free.

Miles is free to run
(Miles is free to run)
Miles is free to dance
(Miles is free to dance)
Miles is free to live for you
(Miles is free to live for you)
Miles is free
(Miles is free)
Yes, Miles is free
(Miles is free)



P.S. Thank you Dan for the tissues.