Wednesday, May 30, 2007

California, Here We Come!

I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited!
Francesca and I got the okay from our husbands to go to a conference in California @ Bethel Church. It's for writers. They have workshops, but the thing I'm most excited about is there will be an impartation time, and we think it will be done by Kris Vallotton!!! Also, Bill Johnson will be speaking. Also, we will be in California!!! Another great thing is that we can submit a partial manuscript, article or writing to Julia Loren (up to 15 pages) and for $25 we can have a 20 minute private time with her while she critiques our work. I think I'm going to send several of my articles to her. We have to have that emailed to her by the 5th. WOW. I'm so thrilled. I know we're going to be a blast. More than just having fun I think it's going to be important. We are investing in our talents and calling.
Pray that the Lord will take care of every detail and every $dollar$.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Women's BFW Retreat 2007

I think I have the record for longest posts on the blog, but even this one out does me! This thing is long! It is my personal experience of what happened at this years BFW. I think I should give out prizes to those few that actually read this whole thing through!

Where in the world do I begin? What details do I put in? What could I possibly leave out? The scripture John 21:25 has more meaning for me now. It says, “Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.” That’s how good this weekend was! Jesus did so many things that I’m having trouble finding words that mean enough.
I’ve been to meetings, conferences, church services and even previous BFW’s that left me excited and in love with the Lord, but this time it was different. I’ve never been to anything that left me with such a hunger for the Lord that I would happily give up everything to stay in the presence of the Lord. I’m sitting here in my wonderful home, and longing only for Jesus. I’ve tasted his glory and I want more. I’m felt his goodness and I long for nothing else. Since I’ve been home I’ve caught myself over and over face down on the floor seeking his face again. Before when I would pray it was like it was a grocery list. I would say, “I need this. I need this. I need this. And, I need it all by yesterday.” Now all I can say is, “I love you so much. I want more of you! With a thankful heart I ask for more!” I don’t want to watch movies. I don’t want to go shopping. I don’t want to mindlessly sit at the computer. I want to go to heaven! I want to be so close to the Lord that he over takes me and does what he wants with me. I can’t get enough of him. Nothing else is satisfying. I told Randy not to take it the wrong way, but I would leave my family in a heartbeat if I could stay in that place where only the Lord is.
I guess I haven’t even began to talk about the weekend. I’ve just mentioned some of the fruit of being so deeply in his presence. I’m in love with Jesus.
Well, I left for the retreat ready to serve. I love teaching. It’s one of my most favorite things to do. It’s a gifting that the Lord has given me and I thoroughly enjoy it. I also love seeing women transformed and set free by Jesus so I was looking forward to the retreat. I hadn’t thought much about what I was going to get out of it. I really just planned to serve and I was happy about that.
I was hoping to leave the retreat with a lighter heart, but it wasn’t my main goal. My feelings, disappointments and fears about Miles had gotten out of control and I knew it. I felt myself before hand cover up my wounds and basically said off limits to the Lord about that issue. I was tired of being exposed at every meeting. I just wanted to serve. I did not want to bring up my issues again only to be disappointed with the results once again. I was giving the talk on repentance, and Miles was not mentioned one time in my talk. It felt so good when I was writing it that my issues about Miles were not brought up. I knew there were going to be several people there that didn’t know me so it was possible that I could just be a woman seeking Jesus. I didn’t have to be Miles’ mom during the retreat. Well, the Lord is too good to let me get away with all that.
The very first team meeting we had before the flames were registered I had a mind change. We were praying and I allowed myself to believe that all things were possible. I told the Lord that I would say yes to whatever he wanted from me. I told him that I refused to be the one to hold anyone back from what he wanted to do. I told him he had complete freedom to do in and though me whatever he wanted to do. I began to believe in the impossible, and looked forward to it. I felt like my heart was teachable, and ready for the Lord to have his way. It was a wonderful place to be.
That night when we were worshipping Cherith had a word that she felt like there were some of us that had lost all hope. She said that because of disappointments in life that we had decided that it hurt too bad to hope for good things and she asked us to lay down our hurts and disappointments and give them to the Lord. When she said those words I knew that I was totally one of those people. I laid down on the cold tiled floor and told God that I was giving him all my hurts. I told him that I needed him to come and heal me. I believe that he asked me if I would trust him. I said that I would. Then he asked me if I would add some things to my talk about Miles without writing them all down. He asked me if I would trust him to talk through me about that subject. I told him that I would, but it made me nervous.
That night I went to my room, and I was reading over my repentance talk because it was my turn to talk the next morning. I tried to read over it and see where I should insert the new parts about Miles. I tell you…the more I tried to read that talk the more I couldn’t understand it. I finally realized that I was trying to think of words to add so I put my talk back into the suitcase and chose to trust the Lord.
The next morning during the team meeting/soaking session Cherith got another word that the Lord was asking us to “go off the page” on our talks that day. She said that he had fresh and new things to talk about. When she said that it was the confirmation that I needed to be brave enough to let the Lord say what he wanted to say. It made me confident that I heard that Lord the night before.
Okay, well before I get further into my going off the page with my talk I would like to go back to the Thursday night and mention something about My Girl Jennifer! She gave the Talk/Testimony on having a teachable spirit. Whatever! I was like a proud mother sitting on the edge of my seat as I listened to her bare all in front of everyone. Her honesty and humor and raw emotion was as refreshing as it could be. The power that came from her testimony was enough to go home after hearing it. She said it all. The Lord makes beautiful what the enemy had planned for destruction. I think every one in the room was set free of something when Jennifer spoke. If it wasn’t freedom from sin then it was freedom from fear of man or free from a religious spirit. The talk was full of powerful freedom! It was hard for me to stay in my seat while I listened to her talk. My spirit wanted to fall face down before the Lord with thanksgiving for his love and grace. (deep cleansing breath)
Okay, so Friday morning we heard the Action talk from my true friend Rachel. In her own not bragging words…she knocked it out of the park! I loved watching her get set free with every word she spoke. She really did defeat the enemy with the word of her testimony. I was very proud of her for being brave and completely honest. There were many that needed to hear her words that morning.
After Miss Rachel it was my turn. I went to the prayer room to get prayed over before my talk and they messed me up! I was feeling pretty good before I went in there, but then the presence of the Lord was so thick in there that it was hard to breathe. As they were praying the Lord was preparing me for freedom. After I left there I had to run back to my room for a quick coat of makeup because it was all gone after their powerful prayers.
I got to the room where I was to talk, and the beginning of the talk went smashing. It was a light hearted explanation of what true and false repentance is. I had humor in all the right places. I was doing well until I knew where I was to insert the Lord’s additions to my talk. Then all humor was gone. I poured out my heart to those ladies about how consumed I was with unbelief. I gave them the quick story about what happened to Miles and then talked about how disappointments had brought such heaviness to my heart that I was basically walking around the last few months dead. I told them how the night before that I had just had the mind change that indeed all things are possible with God. I had gotten to the place where most things were possible with the God. More correctly I was at the place where all things were possible with God Except Healing Miles. It had taken too long. Too much time had passed. The night before I had changed my mind that I would trade my disappointments for his healing in my heart. It was a painful and beautiful thing to share all with my sisters. Like I said at the beginning…talking about Miles was the thing I wasn’t going to talk about. Not only did I talk about it I hid nothing. Thinking back on it now I don’t know if anyone else got anything from that segment of my talk, but I received healing from bondage. I was totally set free at that moment. I was free to believe in the impossible. I repented (changed my mind) of unbelief. I chose faith instead of circumstances. Oh what a joy to be set free. I was a captive of unbelief, and now I’m free free free! Thank you Lord. I tell you what…if I had received nothing else but that I would have been a happy woman, but that wasn’t good enough for my God. He had many other things planned for me.
After this talk and the time of repentance after it I got a major headache. I had not had a headache like that since several years before at my first BFW. My head pounded and my wanted to shut down, but my spirit begged for more.
More it got. Friday night was the worship talk. Ashley gave this talk and it was one of the most anointed (not in the over used sense of the word) teachings that I’ve ever heard. When Ashley went “off the page” it was incredible. It was like the Lord was begging us to desire and expect more. I was sitting there listening to Ashley and by the second I was more in awe of the Lord and his power. I was so ready to worship the Lord with everything in me. It felt like the Lord himself was calling us to worship him.
Our worship team was amazing! Oh my goodness! Okay, I hope this is a compliment…it’s meant to be. The all girl worship team was so good that I didn’t even notice they were girls! They were so on. The sound was without spot or wrinkle. I was totally amazed all weekend.
Okay, so I don’t have many details about how everyone else entered worship because I was too busy worshipping the Lord. I felt so free and so thankful for feeling so free. The first song that we sang used to spiral me into depression. It goes: Through you the blind will see. Through you the mute will sing. Through you the dead will rise. Through you our heart will praise. Through you the darkness flees. Through you (something something) I AM FREE! I am free to run (echo). I am free to dance (echo). I am free to live for you (echo). I am free. I am Free.
Anyway, from the very beginning I felt happy about the song instead of sad. I began to prophesy this song over Miles. I sang: Through you Miles will see. Through you Miles will sing. Through you the dead will rise. Through you our hearts will praise. Through you the darkness flees. Through you (something something) Miles is Free! Miles is free to run (echo). Miles is free to dance (echo). Miles is free to live for you (echo). Miles is free. Miles is free.
I felt so free singing those things about Miles that I went to Ginny and asked her to sing those with me. She agreed then I saw her say the same thing to Misty beside her and then Misty said that to the girl next to her. Next thing I knew someone got on a mic and said for us all to sing that song over Miles. We were singing and prophesying freedom to Miles body. It was wonderful.
It felt so good and powerful to be speaking those things out that I was overwhelmed and went falling backwards onto the floor. Earlier that day Jennifer was talking to me and she said something about how she hoped that no one fell on that cold hard tile floor because they would bust their head right open. I remember saying to her that the Lord would protect anyone who fell. I got to be the first one to test it out. The Lord took perfect care of me. I never felt hitting the floor. I just remember being too full of the Lord to stand up.
From there worship went on. People poured out their heart to the Lord. The women danced with everything they had. People were prophesied over. Healings took place. It went on for so long. It was long, but we could have stayed there forever it seemed. The worship team played for so long that either they needed a break or they were ready to enter into worship without “working”. A CD was put on and the worship team began to worship and enter into the prayers being offered up to God.
Deep breath…I’m about to be writing about the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I’m so excited! Lord, give me the words to express what took place.
Okay, like I said, the worship team was on break for the evening and I saw Tammie Coffman. When I saw her I had an idea pop into my head. I felt like I was supposed to or wanted to ask her to lay her hands on me and give me a double portion of her eloquent words. She seemed surprised at my request but at the same time excited and honored. You know Tammie, she was happy to do that. She laid her hands on my ears and began releasing a double portion of what she had upon me. She was recalling when she was a young woman that a lady laid hands upon her and released the gift of music on her.
So she was talking to the Lord and I remember starting to feel the presence of the Lord upon me. I was kind of hearing what she said, but I could feel myself being over taken by the Lord’s presence. THEN, Tammie started singing in the Spirit while she still had her hands on my ears. Oh my gosh!!!! There is no way to exaggerate the power that was upon me. Of course now I wasn’t thinking about any books I was going to write. I wasn’t thinking about how she was giving me a double portion of her words. I wasn’t thinking anything except how difficult is was to stand. The Lord’s presence was so heavy on my body. This is the best way I can describe it. I didn’t fall in one second. I seemed to be melting lower and lower. I was being over taken by how good the Lord was. I was engulfed in his goodness.
Finally I made it all the way down to the floor and that was it! I was over taken. You cannot convince me that I did not go to heaven! I was in his throne room before him. I did not see any pictures. I didn’t hear any words. I didn’t see any gold. I didn’t see anything. All I could “know” or “feel” was how good God was. I could only “see” how beautiful he was although I didn’t see him. It was completely spirit to spirit. I was wailing. I was overwhelmed with how good God was.
Listen, before this weekend I never really thought about heaven. I’ve tried to picture it, and when I do I always think about streets of gold and living in a mansion next to my friend Holli. Also, when I was a little girl I remember being at church and asking my Sunday School teacher if I could go fishing with Jesus in heaven and he told me that he thought it was possible. I thought that was cool at the time so that stuck with me. Anyway, that was about the extent of my heaven thinking.
I had also heard that we would worship God for all eternity. I didn’t think thought sounded boring although I heard from someone else that they thought that. I just thought that we would worship him but that we would also do other things. I thought with all of our fishing and angel work that we would have lots to do.
NO…I’m telling you that all of eternity will not be long enough to worship God. It will not be long enough. I no longer have desire for fishing or for mansion living. No, I only want to worship my Creator. I was before him and worshiping in a way I’ve never worshipped. I laid before him face down and just cried about how good he is. While I was before him there were no requests to be made. All I knew was that God was good and that he was beautiful. There was nothing more important then telling God how good he was. I had no awareness of such things as people or material. I didn’t no there was such things as buildings or people or me or past or present or future. There was only God and how perfect he is. That was what heaven was like for me. I couldn’t touch heaven. I couldn’t see it. I didn’t even really care to touch or see it. I was all consumed with God and how good he is. There was nothing else that mattered.
After being there for what seemed to me for an hour ended up being only 10 or 15 minutes. I remember slowly becoming aware again of where I was. I was not in a hurry to leave that place. I wanted to stay where there was only God. Slowly I realized where I was and then the crying stopped. I took deep breaths and made my way up to standing. There were others around me ministering to me but I could not tell you their names or what they were saying.
I remember making my way to the microphone and saying, “You cannot convince me that I was not in heaven.” Then I remember Krissy coming over to me and saying, “Impart it to us.”
After that everything becomes fuzzy and dream like. I have no vivid memories of what happened. I was a body and God took control of it. I’ve heard many stories about the night, and a few pictures of my own and I’ve tried to piece them together, but I don’t have a clear memory to tell you the next events. I guess I will have to rely on others and their wild stories.
From what I hear I would touch people and they would fall out in the spirit. Most of them went to heavenly places and saw different rooms or talked to God. I really need personal stories from others about what happened in this time. If you’re reading this and you went to heaven then it would be great for me if you would give me your personal encounter. Also, details about this time would be fantastic for me because I don’t remember it. When I picture it I can only see some things like a dream. When I try to explain them they don’t come out right because it gets foggy in my brain. This is what is so incredible for me. It was real! The Lord over took me. He used my body to do whatever he wanted to do! The stories that I have heard crack me up because of course I know I would never have chosen to do them on my own. Pregnant women were slain in the spirit to fall down on a hard tile floor. I knocked my own Mom down. I warred with demonic strongholds. I prophesied about babies and husbands. I have trouble even using the word “I” because “I” only know these things from what people have told me. Old women were slain in the spirit. They fell out of their chairs. Women that weren’t sure about the Holy Spirit were over taken by the power of God. How awesome is that?
Oh my goodness! It thrills me! I’m so happy! That night and several days after that I kept asking God why he chose me to do that for him. It blessed me so much! It could have been any of us, but he used me. I didn’t get a great answer of revelation on why he used me, but I’ve been asking for more of it every day! I say the wilder the better as long as it’s God and it’s full of his power! More Lord! I want everything! I want to be used by you daily! I cannot live a life without your presence.
Here’s something amazing and faith building for me. I can’t remember what happened after I walked to the mic and said that I could not be convinced that I didn’t go to heaven. Everything after that is foggy and has big parts missing. I’ve heard stories, and I have a few pictures of my own, but I more than anyone know that it was real. I don’t have to be convinced. I didn’t have to work anything up. I was consumed by the Lord! That thrills me!
For the rest of the night I stumbled around in a fog. I talked to people or tried to anyway, but more than anything I just wanted to lay back down and go back to heaven. I shared a room with Rachel, Trish and Jennifer. That night after I slept off a little bit on my drunkenness from the Lord I joined in their conversation about the evening. They had me cracking up with their stories. My favorite one was when I touched Ashley and before she fell down she said, “I’m pregnant!” and down she went. I laughed so hard that I flipped out of my bed on to the floor. I laughed so hard at their stories that the people next door to us banged on our wall to be quiet. Trish banged right back.
I finally went to bed, and asked the Lord for dreams. I didn’t even want to leave his presence while I slept. Saturday morning we all got up and made our way to our morning soaking session before we began to minister. I told the other team members that the night before was the best night of my whole life. I didn’t remember a whole lot of it, but it was still the best night of my whole life. It was better than my wedding day. It was better than the birth of my children, but I still wanted more! With a thankful heart I asked the Lord for more. No longer can I live for one great moment. I can’t live on yesterday’s time with the Lord. I need him more every day. I need to be in his presence every day. With a thankful heart I ask you for more God! How disappointing it would be ten years from now if I look back at this previous weekend and think about how it was the best weekend of my life. I want there to be so many weekends, middle of the afternoons, mornings and lunch breaks filled with the glory of God that this past weekend is just one of a million to be thankful for.
The first talk on Saturday morning was the grace talk given by Tammie. I was sitting in my chair in the back of the room with my table, and I could barley sit there. The tones in her voice was a reminder of the night before and I had chills and goose bumps all over my body. I wanted to slip out of my chair and lay on the floor and be taken off to heavenly places while I listened to her voice. I didn’t hear much of her talk.
Saturday afternoon rocked! Ginny gave a talk on faith. I mean the talk on faith. It seemed like everyone was on the edge of their seat. Before her talk the prayer team was overwhelmed with the presence of God. The anticipation of her talk was exciting. By this time I had ears to hear what she had to say. I was in so much unbelief when I heard the preview of her talk that it sounded like jibber jabber to me. I didn’t get it. My eyes were blinded. This time I sat back and just received what she had to say. After her talk she had an impartation time. She had already laid her hands upon several people to impart faith and they had fallen sweetly to the floor. There were women behind them ready to catch them. After Ginny’s talk she played a soaking song for us to listen to. In the song there was a woman that sang something about laying down pain. She was singing from the perspective of the Lord and he was saying that he was going to take away all my pain. He said that he would take away the pain so deeply that I wouldn’t even remember my pain. He also said that he wasn’t going to give me a new pain. When I heard those words unspoken fear was broken off of me. Secretly this whole time I’ve had a crazy fear. I thought that after Miles was totally and completely well that there was going to be some other huge trial to strike our family. A few times I even thought that the place I was at with Miles was at least safe. At least I knew what to expect. At least Miles is the cutest little boy that everyone loves. That’s a lot better than some of the things that other people have to go through. Anyway, when I heard those words it was truth to my spirit. The Lord is not going to replace my pain with Miles for a new pain. He will not.
So after hearing that and processing that for awhile I peeled myself off the floor to go get the impartation from Ginny. It was the funniest thing. Last year and this year at the meeting Ginny and I have had such strange conflict. It was the collision of faith and fear or faith and the natural colliding when we were together. When I went to get the impartation I was free from all fear and unbelief. When I touched her it was like a lighting bolt hit us. I felt a real manifestation of the Lord stitching us together. So did she. When that happened we both went crashing down. Ginny fell on me and I was stuck to the floor. We both believe that the Lord has a plan for us to work together. He has made a special relationship for us that he will use in a mighty way. That’s way exciting.
Okay, so after that the Baptism of the Holy Spirit talk was up. Becky, our sweet Becky was so sick! On the first day of the BFW she was told that she had strep throat. We were all so devastated. Becky had worked so hard on the whole BFW. She had so many details of the BFW that made it special. Francesca had taken over being the weekend pastor and of course she was perfect for the job. She is a natural leader. If you didn’t know that Becky couldn’t make it you would have never known that Francesca wasn’t supposed to be the pastor, but I knew. Everything was perfect but there was a huge hole where Becky was missing. Becky adds flare, power and excitement. I was sorry that she missed the Hero song. That was her passion. Anyway, she did show up to give her talk on the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Oh my gosh she rocked. I’ve never heard her speak with so much authority or passion. That’s a pretty big statement because she always speaks with authority and passion. She was riled up. Her words were anointed by God’s spirit. It was incredible. I was sitting in my seat and asking the Lord to baptize me with the Holy Spirit again!
After she finished preaching with everything she had it was time to baptize women with the Holy Spirit. It was on! Kathy and I were on a team praying for people, and these women were starving for everything the Lord had. It was so refreshing. They ran to the front to be baptized or for a fresh drink from the Holy Spirit. Some women laughed, some wept, some laid on the floor completely still and others were dancing. It was a beautiful and powerful thing.
Next was break and when I was hanging out with my girlfriends in our room there was a knock on the door. It was Annell. She needed to talk to me. I went out there and she showed me her leg. It was swollen and had red splotches on it. It looked pretty rough. She told me that she was out walking and she got bit by a spider. I was about to pray for her and then in my head I was thinking that I would get some Benidryl for her from Trish. As I was about to pray for her she told me that she couldn’t take Benidryl because of other medications she was taking. This put a different spin on things. Her leg looked pretty bad. It had actually swelled more while we were talking. I decided that God was just going to have to heal her. I put my hand on her and commanded that her body be healed. Poison had no control or authority over her body. Even as I prayed the swelling went down. I saw her less than an hour later at the cafeteria and there was no swelling or red spots. She came over to me excited about her leg. Praise the Lord! That was awesome!
Next up was the covenant talk. Krissy did such a great job. Some things she talked about I’m having to apply right now. The talk was great. I got a lot out of it so when it came to our last table time I was without doubt that it would go well. I was wrong. The enemy hit my table hard with confusion and distractions. I ended up having to get Krissy to come over and explain to my ladies what she was talking about in some areas of her teaching. It was not that Krissy did a poor job of explaining it was because covenant was so important to the women at my table that the enemy tried to offend them and confuse them. After Krissy cleared up a few things other distractions happened so I made everyone be quiet while I gave them a short version of my covenant talk from last year. I did not give them time to respond. I told them what covenant was and that it was important. Then I sent them on their way.
This was hard because this was the last table time that we had together before the special service where I was supposed to wash their feet, prophesy over them and pray for them. Now, this BFW was different. We had so many impartations that there were only two table discussion times. I didn’t realize how heavily I relied on those table times for the foot washing service. I would take mental notes during those discussions and bring them back up during my prayer time when I washed their feet. This time I had nothing. As a matter of fact at our team meeting before the foot washing service I told Francesca that I was pretty sure that the people at my table disliked me.
During worship I had the best revelation! I realized that I had nothing to offer the women at my table. I had nothing on my own that could change their lives or bring wholeness to them. I did have Jesus to offer them! I was so excited at this no brainer information! During worship I told the Lord that I was completely his to use to minister to the women at my table. I told him that I refused to manufacture anything with them. I told him to use me how ever he wanted. I released all control over the situation. I felt so free! I didn’t have to worry about how everything went. I didn’t have to worry that someone would be mad about having to take off their shoes. I didn’t have to worry that I wouldn’t have anything to say. I just expected the Lord to show up. He did!
I love how we did the special service this year! It was so powerful to my table! After we had communion I asked one lady to sit on the chair in the middle. Then I told the ladies what we were going to do. I released them to prophesy over the lady in the seat and to speak encouraging words over her. I suggested that someone could play with her hair or massage her shoulders. I honestly had no idea about how all that would work, but it was incredible how the next hour went! Those ladies jumped right in there and were so loving to each other. They played with her hair, they had words of knowledge, scriptures that pierced the heart and encouraging words that melted the hardest of hearts. Each lady got a turn in the seat. Here’s the greatest thing…I didn’t have so say much at all. I washed feet and got to watch the Lord work first hand. It was incredible. I loved it. Those women really were full of love for one another AND for me. My goodness…when it was my turn Jennifer washed my feet, two girls massaged my hands, one girl played with my hair and rubbed my shoulders and one girl washed me with the word. It was so refreshing. I guess the girls at my table did like me. That was a bonus. Here’s the deal though, I wasn’t offended at the thought that they didn’t like me. I wasn’t so concerned that it made me feel inferior. I just loved them and offered them Jesus. It was a huge lesson for me.
After the foot washing ceremony we had a time of worship. Right when I went to go worship a girl from my table told me that she needed to talk to me. We went and sat up against a wall and she began to tell me that she needed to be baptized by the Holy Spirit but she was scared of the Holy Spirit. She came to the conclusion over the weekend that the Holy Spirit was real. She also came to the conclusion that she was full of fear. She also came to the conclusion that she was full of fear of the Holy Spirit. I talked to her very gently and told her that the Holy Spirit was a gentleman and that he would not force himself upon her. I told her that if she wanted to be baptized in the Holy Spirit that we could sit right where we were and she could invite him into her. I told her that we didn’t need to scream or yell or have 7 people lay hands on her to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit all she had to do was invite him into her. I think she wanted me to push the issue, but I could not. I told her that I was available to her if she wanted me to pray with her. I told her that she could come and get me if she wanted me, but I left her there with a choice to make. I’m not sure if she did it on her own. She did not come and get me. I was disappointed at first, but I believe a seed was planted in her that will not return void.
After our special service Francesca gave us the closing talk. What a power house she is! I think every one of this weekend looked at her and wanted to be more like her. She is fierce and beautiful. She’s confident and bold. Her words flow freely and her authority is easy to follow. I was so proud of her and Becky. They really did prefer one another during the weekend. Francesca led in a way that honored Becky, and Becky handed over the reigns of the weekend in a way that honored Francesca and the Lord. It was such a godly example of how women working together without fear or insecurity can change lives. I think anyone who has watched their relationship over the years (like myself) was truly inspired at how well they pulled off the weekend. It was one of the best parts of the weekend. The order was pleasing to the Lord, and we all benefited from it.
Well, Francesca closed the weekend with her talk, and it was perfect of course. When Francesca speaks I just want to be more like her. She holds nothing back. She withholds nothing. Her stories are personal and they make your heart tender. I wanted to run out and buy her that house she talked about. Listening to her reminds me of how the Lord can use our childhood dysfunction and turn our ashes into beauty. I know he has done that for me. It was the perfect ending. She spoke from her heart. Her Francesca heart. I don’t think I could ever be bored listening to her speak.
So after that was testimony time. It was shorter and stranger than usual. I think our countenance change was enough testimony in itself. I think this is the first BFW that I wasn’t dying to go home by the end of it. I wanted to stay in the all day love feast with the Lord. I was so concerned that I was going to get home and it would be just another retreat high without lasting change. It made me sick to think of the possibility.
I went to church that morning begging the Lord to have his way. I think if we had a normal service of a few songs, announcements, offering and a word then I would have vomited and died. Maybe I wouldn’t have died physically, but spiritually something would have died. That did not happen. Church was so incredible! Intercessory prayer was incredible! I mean my goodness…I was slain in the spirit before 9:00 in the morning. It proved very hard for me to stay on my feet during the whole service. My husband came to church and I was a little concerned about how he would accept the outrageous changes that the Lord had made in me. It turns out that he likes them. I’m a wild girl for Jesus. I can’t get enough of him or from him. I want everything. I want to be with him instead of eating. I want to be with him instead of watching movies. I want to be with him instead of mindlessly looking at the computer. I want everything he has for me. I can’t seem to get enough. I want to visit heaven again! I want to see the unseen. I want to be used to display his glory and power. I want to be a wild spirit led girl. I’ve been begging for the Lord to do whatever he wants with me. I’m ruined for anything else. Nothing satisfies like Jesus. He healed my broken heart. He set free this captive. When I’m with him nothing else matters. Everything else fades away. I look forward to being with him for all eternity. Oh heaven is a sweet sound to my ear. I was listening to a teaching from Patricia King yesterday and she was talking about raising the dead. She wants to raise the dead. She wants us to raise the dead, but she said something funny on there. She said that she has already told her friends and family that if she dies that she does not want them to raise her from the dead. She said that she has been to heavenly places and she will not want to return after she gets there. She has tasted and seen and she will be happy to be with Jesus. I feel the same way. When I die I ask that I’m not raised from the dead. I’ve tasted and seen and I desire to be with Jesus when he takes me home. I have no fear of death. I will live heaven on earth and then live heaven in heaven. Death has no sting.
What else can I say? I’m in love with Jesus Christ!

Monday, May 28, 2007

My first creative miracle.

Today I went to the grocery store because that’s what I do on Mondays. All the way there I listened to a CD from Patricia King. It was titled Empowered to Heal. I don’t want to move on to any more teachings until that teaching is deep into my spirit. I even think I want type it all out just for myself to help the words soak deep down into my spirit. Anyway, after I came home from all my errands Shirley got off the phone and she gave me terrible news. She said that Richard, Randy’s older brother in Colorado fell off a ladder while cutting tree branches, and crushed his back vertebra. She also said that he was in the hospital with a back brace on, heavily medicated, and that he will be on his back for 9 weeks.
My first thoughts were shock, then I made the decision that God is our healer and that he will heal Richard immediately.
After she left I hurried and put the groceries up. Then I ran to my room with Joey and Jocie. Miles was asleep and the other two are with my Mom so it was just us three. They had already heard Grandma telling me about Richard’s back so I didn’t have to explain all that. This is what I said to them, “Hey, we believe that Jesus heals don’t we?” They completely agreed. I told them that we were going to pray that Jesus heals Uncle Richard RIGHT NOW. Not later. Not part of the way. No gradual recovery. NOW. I asked them if they agreed and they did. Right away Jocie said, “I want to pray!” I let her go and she prayed with great authority! She knew who she was talking to, and she knew what she was asking. I prayed after her, and sent a healing angel from heaven to go to Richard’s hospital room in Colorado and completely heal him.
After praying I put on some soaking music and we all laid on my bed. I told the kids to ask the Lord to show us the unseen. We told God that we wanted to see Richard being healed. We wanted to see angels.
I was laying there quiet when I heard Jocie crying out to the Lord for her Uncle. It took me a second to realize that it was Jocie. After that I saw a picture of Richard’s hospital bed. I saw a large angel with golden wings touching Richard’s back. I saw ligaments and shattered bones coming back together. I saw him waking up and being completely healed. He was without pain and without need to a back brace. I also saw an angel with Teri (his wife) underneath his wing. She was filled with peace and comfort.

I have not received the call yet telling us that this happened, but I believe I will. Richard is healed in the name of Jesus. God has heard our prayers, and he has moved on our behalf. I will update you on the testimony as soon as I hear the great news.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Harry & Shirley’s New House

I actually wrote this a week or two ago, but I haven't posted anything on here all week so I thought I would post this. :)

Tomorrow is the big day for Shirley and Harry. They get to move into their new house which happens to be just two doors down from me. It’s been exciting to be able to watch the Lord work.
From two doors down let me tell you my perspective.

March 15, 2006 my family moved into the house at 1333 Poplar. When we moved in, there was a man that was working on the house at 1317 Poplar. He bought the house to remodel and then sell it like Randy does. This was the first house that he had attempted to do. He did so many things on that house with top quality in mind. He used tumbled stone on the back splash. He installed a Jacuzzi tub. He refinished gorgeous hard wood floors. The crown molding is as nice as it could be. He made the whole thing very elegant. He finally finished and put a sign in the yard that said, “FOR SALE”.
Then, a very neat thing happened. A woman named Shirley fell in love with the house.
During the school week Shirley blesses me abundantly by picking up my boys from school for me. When she would bring them home she parked at “her house”. That’s what she called it. She parked there daily. She called it “her house”. She peeked in the windows when she went over there. She went shopping with her sister when she came down from California and she pretended like she had that house to decorate. She made plans for how she would like the porch to be decorated. Shirley loved it. One time she even had Randy’s realtor Destry to let her look in the house.
For one whole year she loved that house with her heart, but her mind constantly told her that it would not be hers. She knew that she was settled just fine in the house that she lived in. She knew that her husband Harry liked where he was, and he probably didn’t want to change. She liked dreaming about the house, but she thought that’s all it was…a dream.
Let me insert here a little about her red headed grandson named Spencer. He’s a treasure of a boy with faith that can move mountains. From the first time that Shirley called 1317 Poplar “her house” Spencer took it upon himself to see that it was done. Of course he didn’t have a big stash of cash hidden some where, but he did know that the Lord heard his prayers. He began to pray often that his Grandma Shirley would get to live in the house down the street so he could say good morning to her before school. He knew that was her house. He cried several times when he saw other people looking at the house. He would ask me why other people were looking at Grandma Shirley’s house. I told him to keep praying that God would make a way for her to live there. So, he did.
March 31, 2007 Richard, Teri, Michaela, Giovanni and Francisco Wilson came for a visit to Texas. They gave us the pleasure of staying with us for their long overdue Texas visit. Usually they come to Abilene during Thanksgiving, but for the last two years they were not able to make it. So it was a treat to have them here when the weather was actually nice, and the color green was on the grass.
One day while they were here we were outside when I mentioned to them how Shirley called the house down the street “her house”. I didn’t think much of it. It was just something to talk about it. I told them how she loved it and how she parked there. The next thing I knew was that Richard had told Randy to get his realtor over to the house because he wanted to look at it to see if he wanted to buy it for Shirley. This was on a Sunday, and strangely a party had begun to form at my house although no one was really invited. Family began to come over to see the Colorado Wilson’s and then decided to stay for dinner. As they were all arriving Destry, the realtor came to let us in the house. Richard, Teri, Randy and I wanted to look at the house, but we didn’t want Randall and Andrew and their wives to know what we were doing because we didn’t want to get any false hopes up about buying it. It was kind of tricky trying to look at the house without it seeming like a big deal.
When I saw the house I wanted it for Harry and Shirley even more. It seemed like the most perfect house for them. Since we had so many guests at our house Richard, Teri, Randy and I didn’t get to talk about the house much until everyone left. By that time I had to know what they thought. I was doing the dishes and I asked Teri if she thought that it was possible or probable that she and Richard would buy that house for Harry and Shirley. She quickly replied, “Probable”. My heart was so happy!
From there emotions ran high on every end of the deal. We all wanted Harry and Shirley to have the house, but it was a big deal to get the finances in order, the contract signed, the decisions of who was going to take care of what, and then the biggest part was if Shirley and Harry were even going to move there. I don’t know about other people, but I can tell you that I wanted them to live there so bad I could taste it, but my heart was very guarded against disappointment.
Richard and Teri were doing everything on their part that they could do to get a contract signed. Things just seemed to be taking a long time. I guess we were all just excited.
Monday April 30, 2007 the house became Harry & Shirley’s. Richard and Teri bought them a beautiful home. Shirley’s dream house became her real house.
Next came all the fun repairs. Randy built shelves, fixed windows, made screens, touched up paint, cut back shrubs and several other things that this unhandy girl wouldn’t know anything about.
Now, there’s only one more thing to happen. Tomorrow they will be moved into their happy home. The big moving day also happens to be Harry’s birthday. Sunday Shirley will wake up for the first time in her new home, and it be Mother’s Day. She will wake up in the house that her own son bought for her.
Perfect timing.
Shirley is 72 years old and before now she has never owned her own home.
She allowed her heart to dream. A little red headed boy believed she could have the house two doors down. A son loved his Mom and bought her a home that makes her smile like a little girl. The God of the universe made it happen.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Don't be jealous of me Pam!

We've done it.
We've turned into "one of those" families.
We haven't had cable since we lived in our first apartment.
We just don't watch a lot of TV.
We do watch a lot of movies and never have felt that great about it.

Randy has wanted Sky Angel for years now.

I have been resistant. I thought it was too...Little House on the Prarie or whatever.

Randy has been sold on the idea for a long time, but just now broke down and did it. It has like 30 TV and Radio channels. It's all Christian programing. They have kid programming which will great this summer. They also have lots of shows including Little House on the Prarie. Anyway, I think it will be good. Plus I won't have to worry about what the kids will watch this summer. I think it will be great. It will be installed next Thursday. I guess then I can give you the update. I'm excited.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What are you saying R2-D2?

A funny thing happened today.

As you know I have a couple of Star Wars fanatics for sons. They love every episode! Spencer has been asking me for a long time for Episode 1 for his upcoming birthday. I really wanted to surprise him with all the episodes but I was having trouble finding them in the stores. I finally had the genius idea to look for them at They did have the movies, but they were very proud of them!!! It was going to cost me about $180 to get all six episodes. Then, I had the very genius idea of looking on ebay! Why did it take me so long? I did find several sellers that had the six episode set. I found one buyer from China that said his product was brand new, factory sealed and not copied. His price was unbeatable. I ordered Spencer the whole set from this seller for $36. I was so pumped!
Well, during coffee with Rachel today the delivery man rang the doorbell and I had to sign for my China delivered DVD's. I was so excited! I hurried to the kitchen and cut open the package only to find Chinese writing all over the covers. "Oh no!" I thought! I was afraid that I got such a great deal because I bought six episodes of Star Wars all in chinese!
I quickly sent the girls to their room (so they wouldn't tell Spencer about the surprise) then Rachel and I ran to my room to check out the purchase. I turned on the movies and they were in English with Chinese subtitles. Rachel and I were laughing so hard. Before the movie came on I was asking the Lord to heal the DVD's and make them speak English. All the DVD's have chinese writing on them, but they speak English. Whew!
I'm telling boys would have still watched those movies even if they were in chinese. Maybe they could have been bi-lingual!
Anyway, I thought that was funny today.

Monday, May 21, 2007


I’ve been longing for the presence of the Lord all day. My heart has felt home sick for his thick over whelming presence.
I’ve had a great and productive day full of love and service to my family, but I’ve longed for heaven on earth.
I’ve snuck off all day to quiet places to be with the Lord. I’ve told him my longings to be with him.
I called Ginny to get the info about those soaking CD’s. I talked to her for awhile and she has had the same longings as me. She said that we need to get our girlfriends together and have a “drinking party”. She said that she’s heard of some people who do that all the time. Their friends get together and get drunk with the Holy Spirit parties. I WANT TO DO THIS SOON! It sounds so fun. I totally think I want to do this for my birthday in September. Obviously I want to do this sooner then September, but…What a way to turn 30!

Anyway, this is the story for the day:
Like I said, I called Ginny about the soaking CD’s. To my disappointment I have to wait on shipping. iTunes have spoiled me and I’m used to being able to download them immediately. So, I remembered that Pam mentioned someone that I could get from iTunes so I called her. Well, she gave me a site that I could listen to steaming soaking songs. I picked a few and added them to my iTunes. I guess I got about 6 songs and set it up where they would play one after the other. I got a pillow on the floor and just rested in the Lord. After just a little while I decided to get Miles and let him lay on the floor with me and listen to the music with me.
When the girls saw me do this they wanted to be with Miles. I told them that they could get a pillow also and lay down on the floor with me. They got a pillow and we all lay on my office floor. I told them that we were going to lie down and think about Jesus. It was so neat. We had the music playing. We had our pillows. We had Jesus. You should have seen us. I got the idea that she should do this every day of the summer. It will be great. Anyway, we were laying there for about 1 long song, then a funny thing happened. The next song that came on was from the soundtrack of Annie. It was “It’s a Hard Knock Life”. We all started laughing. I got up quickly to change the song, but the moment was over. Melody ran off, and since I moved Miles started fussing.
I carried him to the living room and let him fall asleep on me. He was so tired. He was on my chest asleep when Jocie came over to me to get me to fasten her bracelet. She stretched out her hand close to me so I could put it back on and she said, “Hey, it looks like I’m praying for Miles. I should pray for Miles.” After I did her bracelet she laid her hands on Miles and began to pray over him. She prayed things that I haven’t heard her pray before. She prayed that he would walk. She prayed that he would run. She prayed that he would get older, and that he wouldn’t have to have any more surgeries. She prayed that he wouldn’t have any pain. It was so powerful. She prayed with boldness and wisdom about things that I think is beyond her years and understanding. THEN, something else happened! Melody told us that it was her turn to pray. Randy and I have never heard her pray before today. She came over to Miles, laid her hand on his back, and started to pray. She also prayed bold things. I loved it! It was awesome! It was powerful to watch them desire to pray after the soaking time together.
I really think this summer that we will take some time out each day and be in the presence of the Lord together. It sounds so fun. I can’t wait to see what happens during that time! WOW! WOW!


Okay, surely I will have a update on here soon, but right now all I can say is WHATEVER!!!!!!

I'm so jacked up from this weekend!

This was the best weekend of my whole life.

I want to go to Heaven again today.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Picture me running around with my head cut off.

Uh, are you sure that the BFW is tomorrow?
My schedule for tomorrow does not look like I'm about to leave for several days.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Fantastic Gift!!!

I must add one very special gift to my Mother's Day Loot! Randy got me something I've been wanting for so long!!!!

Randy has had the same alarm clock since he was about 15 years old. It's the grumpiest alarm clock ever! It doesn't sing. It doesn't beep. It just yells like an old car horn until you can turn the thing off. It's terrible. I think it's possible that I'm not a morning person because I'm awaken each day by a cranky old man alarm clock.
About a month ago I told Randy that I wanted the alarm clock for my iPod for Mother's Day. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want. Well, I was pretty sure I would get it. The day after I told Randy that I wanted the new alarm clock I told the old one that it's days were numbered after it awakened me again with loud grumpy grunt.
Tomorrow I will be awakened to the song My Romance. Aw. Or, I may choose Zipideedooda by the Jackson Five. Fun. I think tomorrow I will be a better Mom.


Saturday, May 12, 2007


Man, I'm already getting some flippin' sweet Pre-Mother's Day gifts! Randy was very generous on the on-line shopping for me last night! It all started by him letting me go on a Vistaprint shopping spree. Okay, is my favorite store! I'm a stationary freak! I'm sure you will get to see some of my plunder from there soon. I love that store. I guess since I was so thankful for that he continued with the goods. It's possible that there is no other Mother's Day Gift for me that doesn't include glue and noodles, and if that's the case I would have to say that I'm way pleased!
So, he bought me some nose rings. It's about that time where I can change my nose ring for the first time. I love the idea of color coordinating my nose ring with the color of my shirt. VERY cute!

And he also picked me out the CUTEST laptop carrying case of all time! Oh my looks like I designed it myself! I've been looking all over for a laptop case, but I have only found huge black ones. Yuck. He found the perfect one for me.

I love it! You knw what's interesting? Before Christy left yesterday I told her Happy Mother's Day. I asked her if Mother's Day was still about her Mom and Mother in Law. She told me, "No, not at all."
For me it's usually all about my Mom and Mother in Law. (My Mom kind of insists on it.) I always feel like I haven't quite made it to the time to be celebrated myself which seems totally weired since I have given birth and taken care of so many children. Anyway, I was thinking about that yesterday, and it was like the Lord came to my rescue, and used Randy's generous heart to bless me. I love that!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Dinner Date

To make this as vague as possible...I just wanted you that were at the meeting the other day to know that Ginny, Brandon, Randy and I went to dinner together last night. We're cool.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Mother's Day

Tonight was my night to watch the kids for Life Group. I wanted them to be able to make something for their Mom for Mother's Day. Thirty minutes before people started to arrive I had the idea to help them make a recipe book. As the kids arrived I took them to my room and asked them what their favorite food that their Mom makes, and then I asked them how to make it. They said the funniest things. I typed what they said as they were saying it. Then I printed out enough for all the Moms at life group, punched holes in them, stuck them in a folder and during the lesson I let them decorate the folders and recipe pages. Everyone seemed to love it.

Recipe Book

Happy Mother’s Day

Molasses Cookies
By Spencer Wilson

Vanilla thing

Bake em’. Eat em’.

Apple Pie
By Joey Wilson

3 Apples
Something to slice the apples with

Slice the apples. Then smash them. Then put the crust on it. Bake it in the oven at 360 degrees maybe. After their done eat them.

By Jocie Wilson

A bunch of Eggs
A lot of noodles
A little salt
Pretty much pepper

Push those buttons on the oven, and then put it in the oven. Put it on 1 degree for 1 minute. Take it out whenever it beeps. Then we get to eat it all up.
Cherry Cake
By Melody Wilson

Not bug juice!
Ice cream

Play with my toys. Put it in the oven. Then in the microwave. Then make macaroni. Me.

Chinese Noodles
By Alexis Chavez

A little corn

Put all those ingredients in a bowl and then heat it up in the microwave for just 10 seconds I think.

By Anoe Chavez


Put the cereal in the bowl. Put the sandwich on the plate with mustard, ketchup, and two meats and one cheese and that’s all. That’s all.

Ice Cream Float
By Mason Rutherford

Ice Cream

Put ice cream in there first then Coke second. Then that’s all. You need a spoon.

By Blake Melton


Well, you need to make it as a square or rectangle or a circle, and um, you could put icing on it. Um, bread. And I think that’s all.

By Logan Hines

Buy it at the store.

Hot Dogs & Spaghetti & Chocolate & Candy too!
By Madison Hines

You get it at the store. My Daddy always eats ice cream and it’s always cold. My Mom gives us two chocolate milks. It comes after lunch.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

May Favor

I recieved some more favor yesterday and today. I've already written in my May Blessings list, but I had to share it with you. The interesting thing about both of these orders were supposed to get to me months ago. There was a paper work hold up in two different places. Anyway, the Lord pushed both of them threw for me. Here's what Miles got...The green thing in the bathtub is his own bathseat. It's so much easier to bathe him now! He sits in it so we don't have to support every inch of him in the tub. My arms would always fall asleep while I tried to bathe him then I was afraid that I would drop him when I got him out of the tub. That chair...believe it or not was $410. WOW! So, that's a huge blessing.

The picture of all the supplies just came today. I'm so pumped about them!!!! Here's what Miles will get delivered to my house monthly free of charge every month: 300 size 4 diapers, 2 packages of wipes, 150 disposable underpads (for leaks and such), 2 huge diaper rash creams, 274 Pediasure cans (vitamin milk.
Every month he will get this stuff! It's totally amazing. It's going to save me a TON of money monthly. This month will be the first month in 8 YEARS that I have not had to buy diapers. That is not an exageration!

May Favor! I like it! I'm going to request June Favor as well!

Monday, May 07, 2007


Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

This is an exciting verse.
Okay, let’s see here…if I delight myself in the Lord then I will get the desires of my heart. I guess I better find out how I can delight myself in the Lord!

Is this the sort of thinking that the Lord had in mind when he had this verse written? Did he know that I would be looking for a promise from him one day and because of my own self seeking nature I would decide that I would delight in the Lord to get my own way?

I looked up the word delight after I read Psalm 37:4 because if I’m going to delight myself in the Lord then desires of my heart will be given to me then I want to be sure to delight-right.

Definition 1. give somebody joy 2. gain enjoyment from something or someone

Okay, JOY. I can do joy right? Hey, wait a minute. How am I supposed to have joy first if I don’t already have the desires of my heart? If I had the desires of my heart then I could surly be joyful then. Sounds to me like the verse should say, “Lord, give me the desires of my heart, and I will delight in you.”

Well, it wasn’t written that way. I’m sure the Lord knew what he was talking about when he made the verse up. Surly he knows that when I delight myself in him that my heart’s desires will be fulfilled. Now, what if when I’m truly delighting in the Lord my heart’s desire changes? What if while I’m bringing him joy and gaining my joy from him that the things that I long for so deeply now become of little importance? I would guess that
I would be delighting myself in the Lord even more.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Hard Time About Miles...Again

May 6, 2007
Today was a rough day at church. It was just hard to be there. It seemed like Randy and I were the only ones not totally into the sermon. We seemed to be the only ones with a bad attitude. I couldn’t hear a word spoken.
This has happened to me before. To best understand what I’m going through I can only describe by saying that I feel like a wounded soldier. It’s been a long battle of fighting the fight of faith, waiting and longing so long that I’m tired and this foreign place feels more like home than my real home.
I went through a really long span of feeling good about Miles and the Lord. For some reason I can’t have a hard time about Miles without bringing up the fact that I’ve previously been okay about Miles. I think it’s my insecurities about not being perfectly and emotionally balanced. Whatever. So, anyway, like I said I had a really good run going where I wasn’t consumed about Miles’ healing. As a matter of fact last weekend Miles was put into the hospital because he wouldn’t eat or drink when he got really sick so he was admitted into the hospital so they could hydrate him. I didn’t call anyone and ask them to pray. I didn’t call everyone on our list to let them know that we were in the hospital. I didn’t shed any tears. The kids were eating a snack when I went into the kitchen and very matter of factly told them not to be worried but I was taking Miles to the hospital and I would be back that night or the next day. I told them that I would see them later. I was told how brave I was for not freaking out about Miles. When I heard that I felt proud for a minute, but then later when I thought about how I reacted to Miles being put in the hospital disturbed me a bit. I had no emotion at all with it. It felt so normal…so routine for me. I knew he would be fine. I didn’t care for any attention. I didn’t feel like Miles going to the hospital was any big deal. The day we came back home Randy and I wanted to go out on a short date so he was going to call his Mom to watch our kids for a couple of hours so we could go out. I began to think…Oh my goodness I didn’t even tell her that her grandson was in the hospital. Surely I need to tell her before she asks me why all the IV bandages are on him.
Has this place of Hypoxemic ischemic encephalopathy become too normal? Have the world of wheelchairs, therapy sessions, nurse care, and analyzing every behavior become home?
I found out today that it has for Randy. (This is really what I began this writing for) We were laying down in bed when he “breaks the news to me”. He told me that he has got to the place where he has settled in his mind that Miles will never be healed.
*These next words may sound harsh but there wasn’t any emotion to them. This conversation was very strange. If you were a fly on the wall you might have thought that someone had shot us with a tranquilizer gun.*

Anyway, he told me that he knew that Miles would never get any better. I told him to shut that crap up. He told me that he felt like God told him that he was not going to heal Miles. I told Randy that God didn’t tell him that, and he was not to ever speak that stuff to me again. He asked me why I believe that God is going to heal Miles and I told him I just did. He explained that it was easier on “his side”. I explained that I understood that it was frustrating on “my side”, but at least I have hope. He told me that the only thing that is hard for him still is the fact that I have such a hard time about Miles. He also told me again that Miles was not going to be healed. I finished it off by telling that I didn’t want him to say that to me again, and that I wasn’t in agreement with him at all.

Then we both snuggled up to take a nap. Very sweetly he told me that he loves me, and very sweetly I told him that I love him then we drifted to sleep after he rested his hand on my back.

That was the strangest disagreement that we’ve ever had. We were both passionate about our stance, but we didn’t yell or scream to get our way. There was nothing to forgive. There was no talking anything out. We left the conversation far from agreement, but not in sin.

There are very few things that I dislike more than not being in agreement with my husband. We have such an amazing relationship that we’re usually always on the same page about things. This is a HUGE subject to not be in agreement about. This is our son that we made together. This is his life we’re talking about, and we are a house divided on his future.

Who is right? *Rhetorical Question*
He’s saying, “Show me the money”. If you didn’t see the movie…who are you? Just kidding. He’s saying if God is going to heal Miles then why hasn’t he? Therefore since he hasn’t he’s not going to.
I’m saying, “He has to.” My God is a healer. The God I love and serve heals the blind, sets free the captives, he raises the dead.

Is Randy faithless or is he realistic?
Am I full of faith or am I in denial?

IF I am full of faith then how is it that I can have a hard time about the fact that Miles isn’t doing all the developmental things that he should be doing? Why can’t I stand firm that he will be healed, just take care of him in the mean time while I wait for him to be healed? Is it because I’m double minded? Is it because I get beat up sometimes about the things I have to deal with? Is it because like I said before…I’m wounded from such a long battle?

Anyway, I’m sure this sounds like a mess. It is. I’m planning on calling Erica tomorrow to set me up with someone to talk to. I’ve got issues that I want settled before the BFW. I hate the thought of it all hitting me there. My spirit needs to be settled.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Date and Pam

Our date was so fun Thursday night. I was treated so special. The blonde hair is a hit. Randy had my Mom pick up all the kids at 5:30. She took them for the whole night. That in it's self made for a nice evening. It felt so strange for them to be gone on a Thursday night.
Well, Randy had reservations for Bedford Street at 7:00. I had the best salmon ever! We had never been there before so it's felt exciting to be in a new place. I totally want to go back soon. All the food was great. We had a wonderful time.
After that we went home and had a great time just enjoying our home in all it's quietness. We actually dosed off around 11:00 and woke up abruptly at 11:30 to make it to the next part of the date. Randy had pre-bought Spiderman 3 tickets for the midnight showing. It was so fun going to the movies at midnight. The whole parking lot was full of people. The movie itself was surprisingly scary compared to the other episodes. I still enjoyed it, but it’s not good news for my boys because they can’t see it even though they’ve been waiting for it to come out for so long.
We didn’t get home until 3 in the morning! Can you believe that? My Mom was already scheduled to take our boys to school the next morning, the girls to their other grandmas and then Miles back at the house for Christy to take care of. He planned this so WE COULD SLEEP IN!!!!! Oh my goodness…we slept in until 11:00.
It was a wonderful date. I was very thankful. It was nice to have some time with my loving husband.

Last night I had a blast! My best girls had a party for our own Pamelotta. The whole night was so fun. I haven’t laughed so much in so long. ***Here’s to Christy Anchetta*** You had to be there. I love being with my girlfriends. There’s nothing quite like it. I love how different we are. I love how we can talk about anything. I love how we can laugh and laugh. I love all the inside jokes. I love getting to know their husbands better from all their funny stories. I love feeling like a part of a such a fun group of girls. I love that we all dress up for each other, and then we kindly tell each other that we look hot. I love my girls!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Prophecy & Barrenness

The gates of hell shall not prevail. The Spirit of God says this year tremendous favor will be granted to My people, the elect of the Lord. Who is the one that would say I am the elect of God? Who is the one that would say, I believe that God has elected me, set me aside. The Spirit of God says there will be three great moments of favor that will take place during this year. This is your year to multiply and accelerate.

Your enemy has focused on this nation, made a declaration that we will bring to them great evil. I have made promises that I will not allow the enemy to dictate what shall take place in the month of March, May and October, three months says the Lord I shall grant an unusual multiplication of favor. Favor to those who are struggling, favor to those who cannot see the breakthrough. There shall be a destruction of barrenness, no more barrenness. Mark these words for tonight I give you three swords. Three swords of favor, they're in your hand, in your heart and in your life - you can use them or you can lay them down for somebody else to take. The Spirit of God says I will give you three months of divine favor. There will rise up an enemy the month before the favorable month. When the enemy comes against you like a flood, I will raise up a standard against him. There is a brand new dimension of favor I'm giving to you. There is a standard that I have set and My people will climb to a greater height. This year has been set aside for you to destroy the power of the barren one that is inside. No more barrenness only fruitfulness, this is My promise, now would you take this sword and use it says the Spirit of the Lord.

Okay, the month of May Favor. Lots of you read that prophecy and heard the word favor. I kept seeing the word barrenness. Seems funny that the “Fertile Queen” would even pick up on such a word, but it struck me deep when I read the prophecy on Erica’s blog.

No more barrenness only fruitfulness, this is My promise I began to think about places in my life that are barren. I decided to look up how barren was defined in the dictionary (because that’s how I roll.)
Here it is:
1. Bare of vegetation
With no trees or other plants growing.

2. Not fruiting
Producing no fruit or seed.

3.Unable to have children
Not able to bear children.

4.With no useful result
Not producing valuable results of interesting effects
*It was a barren period in his career.

5.Lacking in something
Lacking in a particular thing
*Our writers seem somewhat barren of new ideas.

I was so glad that I looked that word up because it was confirming to me about the barrenness that I felt when I read the prophecy. Usually when I think of the word barren I think of not being able to have children or something that is deserted.

Immediately when I read the word barrenness I thought of how my arms feel barren from not feeling my two year old run into them. My arms feel barren in the number 5 sense of the definition. They feel lacking in something…lacking in one particular thing.

My family has a sense of barrenness because it’s not fully functioning as the family of seven that they Lord had planned from the very beginning.

I could make a big list of other things that need fruitfulness in my life, but here’s the deal. I’m so consumed with this one area that I think I will just focus on that one. God knows my other areas that need to be transformed from it’s barrenness to fruitfulness. He’s more than welcome to attack those as he pleases, but I will focus on the one area that quickened my spirit as I read the prophecy.

Favor for those that are struggling, Favor to those that need breakthrough. Uh, THAT’S ME! THAT’S ME!

There shall be a destruction of barrenness, no more barrenness. In Jesus’ name may it be done according to your word Lord. Let there be no barrenness in my arms or in my family. Thank you Lord for your Favor and your Fruitfulness!

I Will Be A Good Day Haver

Today has all the makings of a much needed good day.
After I take the boys to school I will take Jocie to her Grandma Shirley’s house. She always takes Jocie to Mother’s Day Out on Thursdays for me. They have a little morning time together before school.
Then I will stop by my mother in law’s soon-to-be house and paint a quick coat of primer on some bookshelves that Randy built for them yesterday. Very nice shelves!
After that I get to leave Melody with Randy while I get to go have my hair highlighted. I’m going to return home a blonde! I’m so excited about this! I haven’t got my hair colored by anyone in years. I’m excited about sitting down for a couple of hours without having to do anything but let someone play with my hair.
After that I’m not going to call Randy to pick up Melody.
I’m going to go try to find a cute outfit for my date tonight with my favorite person in the whole world. Randy has been planning a special date for me since Saturday because I won a bet. The loser had to take the winner of the bet out on a wonderfully planned date. I’m thrilled that I don’t know where we’re going or what we’re doing. I’m sure it will be fantastic.
So, my whole day should be great. I need it to be.
Oh, and somewhere in there I should be getting a call from my sweet pregnant friend to hear about how her appointment went. Hey, can I just publicly say that I am so excited about Rachel having a baby? I love that so many women are pregnant at our church! It’s so life giving. It makes me so happy to see all the new life. Pregnancy and Babies are exciting. Cherith, I think you’re having a boy. Did I tell you that? (I’m usually wrong.)
Anyway, none of that had to do with my good day in the making, but as a good day haver I can go off topic any time I want to. For instance, I do hate bananas. I don’t even like them to touch my hands when I’m getting them for my kids. It’s true. They gross me out, and I don’t like the way they smell.
Another random thing…life group was so good last night! I love the people that come to our life group.
Well, I must get the boys up for school now.
My prayer is that each one of us has a very special day.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

My Conversation With My God.

Me: (crying in bed) God, you need to do something. It’s been too long. Just do it. I want to hear Christy running in here screaming with Miles running behind her.

God: What about my timing?

Me: I know I’ve cared about that in the past, but today I’m not sure that I care. Just do it. I’m tired. I’m ready for all this to be over with.


Me: You know Carson was walking today. Carson, who I think is a baby is now walking! Miles is not walking. When is Miles going to walk? Is Miles going to walk? Come on God, have mercy on me. Heal, restore, make the manifestations of Miles healing come today…what ever in the world I need you to do JUST DO IT. Will it ever happen?

God: All things are possible.

Me: I KNOW THAT! Don’t tell me that! Do that! Make the impossible happen! Let me see it, let me taste it.

God: What are you laying on right now? Did I not do this?

Me: Of course you did, but I’m not talking about that right now. You know, at church a couple of weeks ago it all hit me so suddenly. One minute I was worshipping you then I saw that I needed to feed Miles a bottle. I sat down, got the bottle out of his bag, fought with him to take his bottle then sat there forever feeding him until worship was over.

God: You were still worshipping me when you were sitting there feeding him a bottle. You were full of love for my boy, and you were full of love for me.

Me: You know my thoughts were not full of love. I was sitting there then all the sudden I thought, “Oh my gosh. I did not plan for this. I did not plan on Miles being two and a half, sitting beside me at church in a wheelchair and me feeding him a bottle. I did not plan on this.
I felt so trapped.
Just like the other day when I was shopping at Dillards and I recognized that woman. I recognized her as being a Mom I met somewhere that has a handicap child. That’s the category I put her in. She was a pleasant looking woman that gave me a small smile. I felt so trapped when I saw her. I felt like she put me in the same category that I had put her in. I was the woman with a handicap child. Oh Lord, you know I don’t want that! I want to be the woman that is known for having that son that the Lord raised from the dead, and who got to see your power first hand. I want to be the woman who knows without a shadow of a doubt that her God is a healer.
I feel so trapped in this position. There isn’t anything that I can do to heal my son.

God: Are you trapped?

Me: I feel trapped.
God: Are you trapped?

Me: Kind of. I mean I can’t do anything about making him better.

My Conversation With The Lord. May 2, 2007

God: You’ve made the choice to have a good attitude.

Me: Yeah, like that’s a hard choice. What’s my option? I could be bitter and cry all day.

God: Lots of people make that choice.

Me: I don’t want to do that.

God: Good.

Me: So, what’s the plan?


Me: I’m in a strange place. Some call it denial. Some call it faith. Even today I told Christy that when she talks to the Diapers to the Door place that she couldn’t tell them that Miles would never be potty trained. I told her to say, “It would have to be a miracle.” I just didn’t have peace about declaring that he would never be potty trained. I wonder if she thought I was being ridiculous or if she understood.
I feel like I’m always in two worlds. In the natural I have to meet the needs of the child you have given me. His natural needs require a lot of medical intervention. His natural needs make me have to make decisions about things of the future that is unknown for Miles.

God: Have I failed you yet about making those decisions?

Me: No, and I thank you for that. You have been very faithful to answer my questions about Miles’ care. So, why don’t you go ahead and give me your plans for healing Miles?

God: For I know the plans I have for you. I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you. I have plans to give you hope and a future.

Me: Thank you Lord. I’m sorry that I feel upset some times. I wish I didn’t feel so hopeless about my future. Why don’t you just tell me my future and Miles’ future and I will be able to endure all of this.

God: What does my Word tell you?

Me: Matthew 8:3 that you are willing.

God: Yes.



Me: Okay, well, what do I do today? How do I keep going today?
God: Remember that I Am Good.

Me: Okay. You are good. I will choose to trust you. Will you please be close to me today? Will you please make Miles comfortable today? Will you please make him eat so he won’t have to go back into the hospital? Will you please stop my heart from hurting again?

God: My pleasure.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

My Purse Contents

I found it so intriguing to have a peek into Erica’s purse. I just had to share. I don’t think I have the time to be as detailed as her. I’ve got a lot of junk in my purse. Maybe I can clean it out as I go along. Actually, I try to clean out my purse the very least every other week. Okay, here goes:

• Sunglasses
• Piece of paper for a company called Diapers to your Door. Hopefully I will be able to start getting Miles’ diapers for free and they will deliver. Hey, I’m glad I peeked in here already! I need to call them!
• Wal-Mart receipt for Miles sickness products. $27.40
• Another Wal-Mart receipt for our weekly family groceries. $142.17
• Mega grocery store list
• Keys with a cute frog on it that my Mom gave me.
• Rosa’s receipt from yesterday…I was having such a bad that I really did stop in there to have a margarita after grocery shopping and before going home! $7.90
• Picture of me from our first anniversary. I’m getting my hair highlighted this Thursday and Randy handed me the photo of how he would love for my hair to look.
• Receipt for Tuesday Mornings. I bought stationary, napkins and 2 coffee mugs. $13.15
• Victoria Secret pink lip-gloss.
• Orange colored pencil
• Several empty gun wrappers
• Business card and lipstick sample from a Mary Kay representative that stocked me at Wal-Mart last week.
• Lipstick called Drop of Sherry
• Wal-Mart receipt for weekly groceries for $83.90
• Hendrick business card for Miles’ speech therapist
• A baggie of TUMS that I took to the hospital with me this weekend.
• One gray Lego
• 3 used Kleenex
• Pink cell phone
• Unknown receipt for $5.25
• AISD business card from the tour I took Miles on last week. Also, on the back I wrote this information on it: Pioneer Baptist Drive In Movie May 29 They are showing Shrek the Third @ 9:00 and Pirates of the Caribbean Adults $2 Children 4-12 $1 and 3 and under Free. It’s at Town and Country
• 1 pen
• 50 cent piece
• & a ton of change totaling $10.32
• Miles’ insurance card 3 of them actually
• Diet pills that I haven’t been taking
• EXTRA bubble gum

Money Organizer that contains:
• Dominos Pizza Peeler card
• Play Fair Park coupon for one free game
• Expired Kirkland’s coupon
• Hobby Lobby receipt for $8.64
• HEB receipt for Vanilla Soy Milk $2.96
• 3 tickets for the Bull Riding show$42
• Century Movie theatre ticket $7.75 can’t remember what I saw
• A piece of paper I wrote the number 4467. Not sure what for.
• $31 cash
• Rent one Rent one free Hollywood videos…one for every month of the year
• $5 tithe that Melody is giving to Children’s Church
• JcPenny 10% off entire purchase coupon.
• 6 free kids meal coupons for Golden Corral
• 3 Mr. Gatti’s kids meal coupons
• Tuscany’s punch card
• Bath & Body Works coupons

My wallet
• Driver’s licenses (pretty cute picture)
• A laminated card that I made with all of our Social Security numbers on it. I did that so I don’t have to keep the originals in my purse.
• Sams card
• Library card
• Debit card
• JcPenney credit card
• A list of Miles’ medications
• Chucky Cheese gift card
• Life Group cards to pass out
• My social security card
• Kids insurance cards
• My Organ Donor card
• My voter registration card
• Business card for Miles’ horse therapy
• HEB receipt for $5.53
• Business card for Miles’ occupational therapy

I guess that’s all. Man, and the other day I was really trying to think if I even needed to carry a purse. I guess I do.