Monday, January 16, 2012

Good Grief Group Charlie Brown

Tonight I went to the first of 8 classes at Beltway for people dealing with the death of a loved one.

Man, who thought, "Let's get a bunch of depressed people together, talk about extremely depressing things and people will feel better?"

I met a couple that lost their son the same month as I lost Miles. It's a strange feeling. I was sitting by two people that actually Know what I've been dealing with and feeling. I wanted to push pause on the meeting, forget all social norms about sharing intimate details with strangers, and really talk about how incredibly hard it is to lose a child.

I had the sensation of what I think it must feel like for a person in a foreign land to run into someone from their hometown. I wanted to go over details and cry with them and for them. I wanted to find out how they have made it so far and find out what areas they really aren't making it. Yes, there were other people in the room, and some of them even had lost their child, but I think I was drawn to them since it's been the exact amount of time passed since our sons have died.

The mom did give me her number. I doubt I will call her. Still, it was nice of her to give it to me.

I'm glad I went even though it was sort of torturous. Almost as soon as I got there my throat closed up. The whole time it felt like if I opened my mouth and dared to speak Miles's name that I would begin to cry and not be able to stop. Several times I pictured myself getting up and running to the car. I wanted to escape, yet I also wanted to stay.

Today they talked about the 5 stages of Grief:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance
I'm stuck momentarily at the Depression stage. Recently, I have had moments of feeling like myself. That makes me hopeful. I'm still not there though. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard because who in the world enjoys feeling so miserable all the time? I don't. It's frustrating to want to live life, but feel like you're stuck and not able to move forward. 

I plan on going through the rest of the sessions. I feel like it's at least something I can do to try and feel better. Also, I will hopefully be able to get to know some people that truly understand how I'm feeling. Plus, what else is there to do on Monday nights? 


pamelotta said...

I'm proud of you. I never figured you for a group like that. Unless you planned on making fun of it on here. ;) I'm glad you're going. And I'd like to hear your take on it all. You have this spin that makes the most serious things funny. I'm glad you're moving forward.

Angela said...

yeah for you. May you find peace and comfort, understanding and dare I say it- joy- at some point, in many ways. I haven't lost a child and hope I never will. My sister lost her firstborn just before his birth and I remember wanting the whole world to just stop and let us get off! I know the pain will always be there, that pain of loss, but I know there can be and will be joy in the morning for you and so many others. At least that is our prayer for you. Peace ;)

Fiver said...

The only real thing I know about life is that it does go on with or without our input.

You have too many good things in your life to just sit on the sidelines.

I'm proud of you for taking this next very crucial and scary step toward your healing.

Kuddos to you Brandi!!! Kuddos for being brave and doing whatever it takes to make you a healthier happier wife and mother and friend. Kuddos for sucking it up, putting on your big girl panties and doing it even when your very soul is still torn and seems unmendable.

And finally, Kuddos because ...

HE loves you. HE sees you and knows your pain.

Praying for you.
Loving you.
Lifting you up.


High in Demand said...

Thanks Girls.

It's been so long since I've posted anything I didn't really expect a response. Your sweet words were a treat to see on here.