Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Picture...

Something I really wish I had was one great picture of Miles and I together. I'm the picture taker around here so I don't have one. I have amazing pictures of Miles. I have some pictures I treasure of Miles with the kids and Randy. I just don't have one of me with him.

I would love a picture of me snuggled up in his bed with my head on his shoulder and my arm around him. That seems to be the spot I miss most. I loved the way his pajamas felt.

I wish there was a plain everyday picture of Randy and I working together in the evenings doing Miles's night routine. Years and years we chose Miles over our own exhaustion to do all the things he needed to survive. There were so many things that had to be done at night and we did them every night. Medicines ready, catheter, night feeds, breathing treatments and The Vest. I wish I would have thought to have the kids take a quick snapshot of us.

On the last Mother's Day he was here I kept thinking I wanted Randy to take a picture of me with all five of the kids. It ended up being one of the crappiest days and I never got him to do it. Miles died 2 weeks later and I don't have that picture with just me and my babies.

I wish there was an unposed photo of me in the hospital with Miles. One where I was just doing the stuff I had to do. One that showed how intense the situation was yet also somehow showed the peace I had. I have lots of pictures with Miles and Randy in the hospital and shots of Miles and the kids at the hospital, but none of me and Miles.  I was there almost every minute of every hospital stay. Not one photo.

I wish I had a picture of Miles and I at the waiting room in Dr. Wiley's office. We were there so often. Sometimes once a week (sometimes even more than that.) I would sit at the edge of my chair and have his wheelchair sideways in front of me. I would pat his chest and make him smile. If he was asleep I would prop my arms up on his wheelchair and read or play on my phone. I have that picture in my head now, but I know in time it will probably fade away and I want to remember it.

I would love to have a photo of me singing over Miles when he didn't feel good, in the hospital or after surgeries. I would often sing, "Jesus. Jesus. Jeeeeesssus. There's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus like the fragrance after the rain. Kings and Kingdoms will all wash away. There's just something about that name." I would also sing, "Jesus' blood never failed you yet. Never failed you yet. Jesus' blood never failed you yet. This one thing I know...That he loves you so."

I wish there was a picture of us where we're both just happy and smiling. As heartbreaking as so many situations were during his lifetime there were infinitely more situations where love conquered all, where peace passed all understanding and the joy of the Lord was our strength. I wish I had a picture of us just enjoying being together.

With all my heart I wish I had a picture of Miles next to me at church. During worship I would hold his hand and lift my own. I was always praying for him and singing over him. I still feel so off balanced without him at church. For years I had his sweet hand to hold on to.

Lord, please help me to keep these pictures in my heart and mind to remind me of how fiercely I loved him.


Fiver said...

My heart hears you and I'm lifting you up.

My dad was the photographer in our family and we never noticed it until he was gone, just how many opportunities we missed having his face in the pic.

I have made a conscious effort to remedy that more with my own kids. It still seems like someone is always missing.

We cannot go back and recapture these precious moments but they are in our hearts and minds. Your absence in these photos only shows even more the depth of your role as mother and caretaker for your precious baby boy.

Lifting you up and praying for a mind and memory full of his miraculous life not one with any regrets friend.


High in Demand said...

Thanks Nicole. : )

Jennifer said...

Reading this, I completely understood exactly what you meant and how you feel, but had not once of that before. But it makes total sense. On our refrigerator at home, we still have the Christmas photo of your whole family where everyone is looking silly and Spencer is holding Miles upside down and Miles is LOVING EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. I can still hear his laughter when Spencer zoomed him around the house or when Randy would bounce his chest. I love Miles and I love you.