Today has been one of those days.
One of those days where all at once I realize again all that Miles can’t do.
One of those days where I feel like no matter what I do for him it’s never enough.
One of those days where he coughed and gagged and made such horrible mucus noises in Taco Bell where people turned around to stare at what could be making such a horrible noise. We ended up having to leave the restaurant so we wouldn’t gross anyone else out.
I woke up this morning trying to calculate the last time he had a wet diaper. He hasn’t had liquids stay in his body for a week and a half. I can’t feed him a bottle because it directly shoots right out of his nose. He hasn’t had 100 calories a day in his body in a week and a half. (Yes the doctor has seen him.) I’ve got to take him back to the doctor tomorrow and I’ll be surprised if he’s not in the hospital. You can see his ribs.
Which brings me to why the 27th is marked on my calendar. We’re meeting with a surgeon who will put a g-Button (feeding tube) in Miles. I’m at a loss on what to say about that right now. I understand it’s time. It just hurts my heart.
Of course the surgeon can’t even do the surgery until Miles’ lungs sound better. They’re so full of liquid that no one would operate on him.
Today I can’t pray for Miles to be healed.
It hurts too bad.
I’ll tell you what I can pray for though…I’m praying for someone to pay off the kid’s school today. TODAY. I’m not asking the Lord for a “sign”. I’m just tired. I just want the Lord to show me that he hasn’t forgotten about me. I want to know that he cares about the desires of my heart.
I don’t want to look back and see something the Lord did for me a year ago or 5 years ago or last week. I want to see something today.
Believe with me.