Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Can't think of a title

I'm going to be teaching 1st grade all day Wednesday. Jocie is in that class. Today I went to eat lunch with my kids at school and all the 1st graders were excited about me being in their class on Wednesday. They treat me like a celebrity. It's so sweet! I just went over the lesson plans for a long time so I'm feeling confident about how things will go.

I'm still not feeling myself so please pray for me. I haven't been sleeping well since my Grandma died. I'm not having nightmares. I just don't have peaceful sleep. In my dreams something is always off, or unorganized or undone. Then I wake up and have a feeling like something is not right and I remember that my Grandma Jody died. That's not a good way to wake up. Then yesterday I thought I saw her in a car next to me. It was a red car so there's no way it was her. She only liked white cars. I don't think she would be sporting a red car in the after life and driving down South 14th. Also, I've been seeing Grandmas with their grandchildren every where I seem to go. It makes me happy for the little kids and sad for me. I've been feeling so emotional and fragile. I don't feel depressed. I just feel sad and off centered. I feel like a big piece of me is missing. I drive past her house almost everyday when I'm picking the kids up from school. I see her car there and it makes my heart heavy. This is the first person that I've lost that's been really close to. Randy's sister died of cervical cancer a year and half ago and that was hard. I actually cried a lot more when she died then when Jody died, but I'm feeling it so much more. I feel sorrowful. With Sharon it was more of a faith issue then a saddness. I truly believed Sharon was going to be healed of cancer and I was shocked when she wasn't. With my Grandma dying I didn't feel a struggle with my faith. I've actually been so thankful that she was 76 years old and healthy almost every day of those 76 years. She didn't suffer.

Anyway, I miss her so much. She meant so much to me. I told her all the time how much I loved and appreciated her. It's just that I want to tell her some more. I know that some people might think I should be better now, but I'm really not. I'm still very sad and I haven't had the time to mourn. I still have to do a million things around here. I just have to do them with a heavy heart. Please please pray.

4 comments:

Bryan and Becky said...

I don't know who you are talking about that thinks you should be over it by now, but I don't agree.

My grandfather passed away five or six years ago and I still go through moments of wishing so badly that he were here to meet my daughters. He would have really loved them and visa versa. It's especially hard when I get around my aunt sometimes. We'll just look at each other in that moment and tear up...even though it's been about six years ago!!

I am not saying that we don't learn to cope with life and go on because we all have to, but I am saying that you'll always feel that missing piece because she was and is such a big part of you. So, to get over it in a few days is ridiculous. You have my permission to mourn this through. If you just surpass the feelings then one day it will catch up to you. Feel the loss, feel the joy that she's with Jesus, feel the loneliness, feel the love of others when they reach out to (try) and feel that spot, feel the confusion of what to do next, and feel the excitement of knowing that she's waiting up in Heaven waiting for you to come share in the wondrous Love she's in.

And remember, I haven't lost the one closest to me...my grandmother "Grankie"...so when that time comes, because I know it will...allow me to feel it too... :)

I love you! and wish I was there to hug you tightly and tell you everything will be okay!!

Start World Hunger said...

I'm praying for you.

Francesca said...

I am so sorry. I love you.

CALL ME MCKEE said...

I AGREE WITH BECKY 100% IN EVERYTHING SHE SAID. JUST STOP AND TAKE THE TIME TO MOURN. AND REMEMBER THAT CRYING AND TEARS IS PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS.
SO CRY CRY CRY WHEN YOU NEED TO. WE LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO ALLOW YOU TO CRY ALL YOU NEED TO..
YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.