Friday, July 22, 2011

2 Months

It’s been 2 months since Miles died.
Typing the words 2 months doesn’t seem to do the subject any justice.
That’s about 1,488 hours.
Now we’re talking.
Hours have been more my pace these last 2 months.
One hour I may be fine. The next I may be crying. The next hour I may be thinking about changing up Miles’s room. The next hour I may not allow one thing to be moved from his room. And when I say hour…I really mean every 15 minutes.

It’s crazy! I can go from laughing to crying or crying to laughing in about 1.2 seconds. Over the years I’ve prided myself on not being a “crier.” What does the Bible say? Pride comes before a what??? Yeah, Oh how the mighty have fallen. : ) I’ve cried more this past year then my whole life combined. It’s really not so bad now that I’m used to it. The tears come, there’s a release and I’m back to joy. I’m just trying to let it come and let it go. It feels like the healthy thing to do right now.

If something in my life is tough I like to tell myself that it will be better 2 weeks from now. (I may have given you this advice if you’ve had a problem.) It’s usually true. The things of the day that tend to bother me usually will not be an issue 2 weeks from today. I like to focus on that because it helps me put the problem into perspective. So far, I don’t see the 2 week goal making this situation any better. I don’t know when I will be better. I don’t know how long this process of grief will last.

Time is so strange. I wonder how it can already be 2 months since I held Miles. At the same time I think about him, dream about him and long for him all day long which makes it seem like forever since he’s been in my arms.

I know a lot of people, most people really, are relieved that Miles is no long suffering and in Heaven. I’m not one of them. I’m not there yet. I just can’t seem to find comfort that he’s in a better place. I know how much I loved him while he was on earth. I know that I did everything in my power to make sure he was as comfortable as he could be. I know how much our family loved him, how our family treated him when no one was around and Miles was loved everyday of his life. Am I saying that my house and family is better than Heaven…oh my gosh I hope not! I’m just saying that as the Mommy I want to know my baby is being loved on and taken care of, and I’m not the one doing it so it’s hard for me to find comfort about that.

Right now I’m on our 15th anniversary 2 WEEK vacation at the beach!!! (So why am I whining right???) I’m at the beach, my favorite place…with Randy, my favorite person. I’m having a wonderful time! Really! I still miss him though. The beach doesn’t drive away the sadness. It does help though. : ) I know this time alone was set up by the Lord. I’m so thankful for that. I don’t think I will come back totally healed, but I believe there is healing for Randy and I here.

I’m so thankful for all the kind messages on facebook and texts and comments on my blog. The little notes of encouragement and love have been a lifeline to me. I treasure them…so thank you! Thank you for walking this out with me.


Robyn said...

Jesus cried when Lazarus died. It is like the insided of you being torn out when someone you love dies. Your spirit can soar with happiness, but your body has to heal. The same as if you had a physical wound. At the same time, things will remind you and you will have memorie come up over and over...each time you cry you are healing a certain part of your heart up.

Remember that when babies go to heaven, they do not stay babies. More than likely he is a young adult now...I cannot prove this from scripture, but I am sure it is a fact.

Ilove you so much and I know what it is like to be a "fixer" and a constant cheerleader for everyone else. It is hard to actually give ourselves permission to grieve, lest we stumble someone else. You will not stumble anyone by crying at different times of the day, rather they will appreciate your love and your heart.

I love you dear, and remember that there will be a time when this is easier. Dont fight it though, dont rationalize your way out of feeling through this... we love you a lot, and are praying for you and your family.



Robyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christy said...

Robyn said it way better than I I'm not even goiing to try. I agree with everything she said. I still pray for y'all and think of you often. Big hugs.

小鱼 said...

Dear, my tears coming out when reading this.
Agreed with Robyn - each time we cry we are healing a certain part of our heart up.
We need 'time' to heal our 'wound'.

Our beloved child will always in our 'heart'. & we always love him/her.

Sorry for my English is not so good, just to express my concern.
For your info, my little girl leave me 2 years ago, yet till today I still cry & missed her.

Stay strong mummy!

From Lily

Fiver said...

thinking of you friend. . .

the heart wants what the heart wants. I don't know how it feels to lose a child but I think that as long as you continue to laugh, live, mourn, get frustrated, and laugh some more you're on the right path to healing from God.

enjoy your time with Randy. Mourn together. Love together. Lean on one another. Reconnect and strengthen one another.

Lifting you up,

Nicole and Jere

Queenie said...

I just stumbled on you clicking the 'Next Blog' button. I stayed to read awhile.
Your son was beautiful. I saw his beautiful baby smile when I clicked on your archives. You were blessed; never forget that.
Stay strong.