Tomorrow it will be a month without my baby boy. This month has felt both like a year and a minute. Saying that Miles has been gone for a month seems impossible. Yet, it feels like forever since I’ve been able to hold him in my arms.
I dream about him often. The dreams have the same theme. I see him or find him and I keep trying to get close to him to hold him but I never make it. I wake up with such an ache in my heart. I want to hold him and kiss him and take care of him. I want to dress him and tell him I love him. I want to fix his curly hair.
It’s been such a strange time for me. It’s still an adjustment to me as I’ve had to figure out how to live as one person instead of two. I never meant for Miles to become an extension of me, but how could I have prevented it? For 6 and a half years I did everything for him. Well, I had help, but I was in charge of getting it done. Now, I feel like I have all the possibilities in the world. As a matter of fact I’m in Colorado right now without Randy and the kids. I will be here all week. That’s not something I normally could have done because of all of my responsibilities. Also, I’m even thinking about the possibility of working. That wasn’t really an option before.
Still, even with all the new freedoms it doesn’t feel like a good trade off.
I ask that you please keep praying for our family. We’re all still adjusting to life without Miles. To quote Jocie, “This summer has been depressing.” I can’t imagine what it would be like without friends like you.