Monday, June 20, 2011

Can't think of a Title

Tomorrow it will be a month without my baby boy. This month has felt both like a year and a minute. Saying that Miles has been gone for a month seems impossible. Yet, it feels like forever since I’ve been able to hold him in my arms.

I dream about him often. The dreams have the same theme. I see him or find him and I keep trying to get close to him to hold him but I never make it. I wake up with such an ache in my heart. I want to hold him and kiss him and take care of him. I want to dress him and tell him I love him. I want to fix his curly hair.

It’s been such a strange time for me. It’s still an adjustment to me as I’ve had to figure out how to live as one person instead of two. I never meant for Miles to become an extension of me, but how could I have prevented it? For 6 and a half years I did everything for him. Well, I had help, but I was in charge of getting it done. Now, I feel like I have all the possibilities in the world. As a matter of fact I’m in Colorado right now without Randy and the kids. I will be here all week. That’s not something I normally could have done because of all of my responsibilities. Also, I’m even thinking about the possibility of working. That wasn’t really an option before.

Still, even with all the new freedoms it doesn’t feel like a good trade off.

I ask that you please keep praying for our family. We’re all still adjusting to life without Miles. To quote Jocie, “This summer has been depressing.” I can’t imagine what it would be like without friends like you.


Rachel said...

I'm so glad you are able to get away -- breathe a little mountain air. :) I love you so much and I am praying for you and your family daily. I've been thinking about Miles a lot lately and my heart just breaks for you and your family. But, I know God will turn our mourning into dancing . . . someday. :) Love you!

Fiver said...

It's so strange. Today Sarah and I were talking about how it seems instead of getting less we miss our dad more each day BUT that ache is different than it was 13 years ago. Its More bearable and bittersweet. It's not that we're ok that dads gone only it IS that we're okay. Does that make sense?? :)

The kids mentioned Miles at any and every opportunity (especially the girls) and I think that's good. Every reminder only help to re-sew his memory into our hearts even better and in that way mend them somehow in some small way.

Praying for you. Enjoy Colorado. Pray. Meditate. Eat good food. Breathe. Worship.



BelleDownUnda said...

Okay, so, I stumbled onto your blog a while back and loved what I read. I chose to follow you because you write with passion and honesty and I looooove it. I am SO SO sorry about you and your fam losing your precious angel, Miles. I will be praying for you guys and hoping the pain eases for you in time. What a blessing that little one must have been to you! Hugs from Australia.....Cyndi

High in Demand said...

Thank you Belle. I appreciate your kind words. I'm glad you've enjoyed reading my blog.

Blessings to you.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

i love that picture. *sweet sigh*

i am most definitely praying for you and your family, brandi.