It's been a while since my last post and for good reason. Monday Miles' wheelchair arrived at my house. I was totally shocked. I truly believed that Miles was going to be totally restored by the time the wheelchair got to my house. I really don't know what to say about that except my heart was broken. I was totally shocked! So was Randy. We just didn't know what we should say, think or feel about the whole thing. With everything in us we believed that Miles was going to be running around our house when the wheelchair man came to drop it off. When we got a call from the medical supply company and they told us that it had came in and they were dropping it off in 20 minutes we still believed. Randy was jumping around the house and as excited as could be. We still thought it was going to happen. The nurse was here and we thought she was about to get the show of her life!
When the medical supply guy drove up to our house and started to wheel that chair into my house my heart sank. Randy and I both totally went into auto pilot. The man explained everything about the chair and how to take it apart. He went over instructions. He was as excited as could be because he designed every detail of the chair for Miles. Randy and I were not rude but we were not jumping for joy like the man probably wished we were. The man was really disappointed because he couldn't adjust Miles to the chair yet since he is still casted. Well, before the man left he brought me a big stack of papers to sign. Every time I signed my name my heart broke more and my hope decreased that I would ever see my son do more than he does right now. By the time I signed everything I was totally numb. My head was spinning with questions and it pounded with pain.
When the man left, Randy and I sat on the couch and held Miles. Randy said that we should just try to process everything instead of talk. I went and laid down on my bed and I checked out of the world. I slept so hard for hours. When I woke up my heart was so heavy I could hardly get out of bed. We had to leave for Ft. Worth that day for Miles' cast change the next day. I kept trying to pack but every time I got up I found myself sitting on the bed just staring off into space. I couldn't seem to do anything.
While we were waiting for the man to drop off the chair I called Francesca and Rachel to tell them that it was on it's way. After my nap I called them to tell them that I was wrong about hearing God and it was two of the most painful phone calls I've ever made. My heart just felt ripped out. I felt inconsolable.
Over the next few days I got several phone calls, letters, visits and emails from friends telling me that they were sorry and tried to comfort me. I'm so thankful for not going through this alone. Without the people around me that love me and my family so dearly I think by now I would be bitter and I would have a hardened heart about Miles' healing. All my friends have been so compassionate. They don't make me feel like I'm not doing enough or brave enough or that I don't have enough faith. They are all so warm and caring to me. They all seem to have taken on this burden and want to help carry it. I don't know if any family is loved more than ours.
Over those days I was a wreck. I felt like I was in a cloud. I kept getting mad that everything around me kept going on and that I had to be a part of that! I had so many extra things going on this week and it didn't allow me to sit around and be upset like I wanted to. I know now that was a major blessing, and I knew it at the time but I didn't want to admit that! On Wednesday mornings my friends Rachel and Krissy come over for coffee. All the way home on Tuesday night from Ft. Worth I kept telling Randy that I wanted to cancel coffee but he wouldn't let me. I told him that I would let them come over but I wasn't going to like it and I wasn't going to act like I liked it! I later found out that it wouldn't have helped if I cancelled anyway! They had both already decided that they were going to come to coffee if I said they could or not. I just love that. Real friends will come over if you want them to or not.
I remember when all this first happened with Miles and we were at the hospital. I thought I didn't want to see anyone and all my friends wanted to come, but I told them not to. Pam called me and left me a message that said she was coming because we needed them. My friends did come and it ended up being one of my most treasured memories of all time. We sat outside with coffee and laughed and laughed at Pastor Brandon. He was doing some of the most outrageous things and I couldn't get enough of it.
Anyway, I enjoyed coffee with Rachel and Krissy. We actually didn't have any coffee Wednesday. I think I was being rebellious and I didn't make any. Krissy said, "That's okay. We don't really come here for the coffee."
So, before I tell you the good news. I will say that I was a mess. My heart really felt like it was broken and trying to harden. I was trying to decide if it was worth the pain to continue to HOPE for Miles to ever be healed. I thought I heard God so clearly and to find out that I didn't hear him really shook me. It made me question a million things. What's the point of praying if God's just going to do what he's going to do? How can we be life group leaders if our own son is a constant reminder that God hasn't done what we all think he should do? How can I serve people when I feel like dying myself? Basically it was every WHY and HOW question that I can think of and a few terrible questions that I don't even want to disclose.
The wheelchair is in our living room and no one wants to even look at it. No one will comment about it. Randy and I sit in our living room and we won't turn our bodies towards the thing. We haven't watched TV since Monday when we got it. I think it's because the wheelchair is right beside the TV and we just don't desire to have anything to do with it. You know, this is a $6,700 piece of equipment and we're acting like it's toxic waste! You may be asking...What's so bad about a wheelchair. Maybe you're not asking. Maybe you know, but in case you don't...It's the whole idea of it and what it stands for. It's saying, "My son should be doing things that he's not doing!" It's seems more permanent. It feels like once you go there that's where you stay. Anyway, it's upsetting. No one wants their child to have a wheelchair.
So, that was all the yucky stuff.
Yesterday morning I woke up and I was still in bed and I said, "God, I need to feel you close to me today. I know you are here but I need to feel you." Soon after that I got a call from Brenda. (An Elder from our church.) She told me that the church wanted to buy our bedroom furniture that we had picked out!!!! Before we moved into our new home Randy and I picked out some bedroom furniture that is absolutely beautiful! It really appeals to my Princess heart! When we saw it the first time we both knew it was just what we wanted. At the time we really felt like Kathy Hawk (Another Elder from our church) was going to buy it for us. That was seven months ago. Randy even talked to Kathy one time to tell her that we thought she was going to buy our furniture for us. Well, we never heard anything from her and we honestly gave up hope on that idea very recently. We thought, "Well, I guess we were wrong and we will just made due with what we have."
When Brenda called and told me that the church was buying our beautiful furniture I was screaming happy! What was really neat was that them giving us furniture wasn't just some pitty gift to make us distracted from the wheelchair arrival. Brenda told me, "We want this furniture to be a reminder to keep your heart soft." When she said that I just felt my heart melt. I really felt a release from the heaviness that I had been carrying for several days. I couldn't get the cheesy grin off my face! I called a ton of people to tell them my wonderful news! I went right over to the furniture store to make sure they still had what I wanted. I ended up going to that store three times yesterday! I wasn't embarrassed at all! The first time it was just Melody and I that went. The next time it was Randy, Me, Melody and Miles. The third time it was Randy, Me, Jim, Brenda, Joey, Spencer, Jocie, Melody and Miles! The lady that had been helping me all day asked me, 'Who are all these extra kids?" Mine of course!
Anyway, they bought our stuff last night! They bought us a bed. It's a huge, four post gorgeous bed that I will probably have the rest of my life! We also got a dresser with a mirror. The dresser is tall and has slate squares on top. Some of the drawers are lined with black velvet!!! We also got a night stand. It's so big that I only wanted one of them. It also has the lined drawer and the slate tiles. We also got the bedding that was on the bed. (New ones of course) It's so beautiful! I wouldn't be able to find anything I liked better! Normally you might not think the bedding is me, but it is the bedroom me. :) AND!!!! We also got the most beautiful armoire ever! It's so beautiful! I love it so much! It's such a treasure! It just looks rich!
When I first went to the store yesterday the saleslady was saying that it could take 2 to 4 to 6 weeks to get all the pieces of furniture in. She said that she has four other stores and that she would call to see if they had any of the pieces. If they didn't then she would have to order if from Ashley and it could take 6 weeks. Well, at lunch I was telling Jim and Brenda this and Jim said, "No, it's going to be at her other stores in the name of Jesus!". When I went the second time to the store she said that her other store did have the other pieces and that a guy from there was already coming to Abilene the next day and that he would bring my stuff!!!! The lady told me that she could have it delivered and set up in my house on MONDAY! When I saw Jim next and told him the news he gave me a big High Five! It was cute.
So the whole day was s huge rush! It was so fun planning, and deciding and picking out and calling everyone about my furniture! But it was more than that...
It did something more than just meet a furniture desire. I sent an IM to Brenda last night thanking her for being a part of our special day. I told her that the timing of the furniture was perfect. We had picked it out about 7 months ago, but getting it yesterday was so much better than getting it the day we found it. It was perfect timing and getting it did more than I could have thought possible. It brought hope back to Randy and I. As I was writing the message I thought about Miles. I thought about the restoration of Miles body. When it happens the timing will be perfect. I will be glad it didn't happen by the time the wheelchair came. Also, I know that Miles' healing will do more than I can even imagine.
How did getting furniture yesterday restore Hope? Who knows? I do know that without Hope I have nothing. With Faith I have salvation and that means that my eternal life will be forever with my Maker. Hope is the thing that is needed here on earth until eternity. A few days ago I was thinking that it was going to be too painful to keep Hope alive. I thought that is was too disappointing, but again, I realize that Hope is what makes this life with Jesus exciting.