I should have blogged this yesterday to get to full emotion in it, but by now the Lord has settled me. The reason I'm still writing about what happened to me yesterday is because I think a whole chapter of my book in the making will be about situations like this one.
So, yesterday the nurse Christy and I decided that we needed to take Miles to see the pediatrician because he's been acting strange. He hasn't been running a fever but you can tell he doesn't feel well. We weren't sure if he was sick or if he was having hip trouble or not. Now, Christy could have taken Miles by herself, but I'm still adjusting to her taking care of him much less her taking him to the doctor without me! All my other kids were in other places all over town so I decided to go with her. (Joey and Spencer were at school, Jocie was at Mother's Day Out, and Melody was at the library with her Grandma) So, I'm running the kids all over town to drop them off, and I had to stop and get Miles' medicaid card. Since I've moved his card does not come to our house so when he has an appointment (which is always) I have to go to the Medicaid office to pick up his card for the month. I've put in address changes at that office but it hasn't worked. They finally told me that I have to go to another office to change the address because he is a special needs child. Oh, and I've tried to be on top of things by going up there at the beginning of the month so I will have his card before I need it, but that's against the rules. You can only get a temp. aard on the day of the appt. (I know most of that was probably of no interest to you, but you have to keep that book in mind.) So, you can see by 9:00 I've already done a day's worth of thinking.
As I'm about to go in to get the card I realized that I'm about to go to the pediatrician's office. Insight: For me one of the hardest places to go is the pediatrician's office. It's filled with normal kids and bored parents. I just don't like going there at all anymore. I called a friend to pray for me so I would not get depressed after leaving there. I explained to Christy (nurse) why going there is hard for me. First of all, having Miles at the house and around my friends and stuff is different because he's just adorable and lovable Miles. I don't have to explain anything. I don't have to wonder what they're thinking. At the office either people don't talk to me at all or people talk to me too much and both are terrible. Christy told me that I shouldn't let it bother me. I gave her the look like...easier said than done. She soon saw my point.
Okay, so we go to Dr. Wiley's office and we're in the waiting room. People are all around us and No One speaks to us. I'm there, and Christy is there in her scrubs holding Miles in his big ol' cast and no one talks to us. They stare a little, but no words. It wasn't too bad. I was fine with it. The whole appointment went well. I was feeling good. I didn't feel sad at all. I actually had a great time with Christy. We're becoming quick friends. Well, Dr. Wiley ordered X-rays for Miles so we could make sure his hip was still in place. Miles did have an ear infection so we were all pretty sure that was his problem, but we all agreed that x-rays would make us feel better. (By the way his hip is still in place. I didn't want to make you have to wait on that info.)
So, we leave the office to get x-rays. The x-ray place is in the same building but another office. We walked in the x-ray office and it was packed! I've been in there before and it has always been super quick but not yesterday! I actually had to stand because there were no more chairs. Christy was holding Miles so I let her sit in the open chair. I signed in and all that. Well, like I said the place was packed. There was a girl there in a wheelchair/bed in the office with her Mom and her nurse. The girl was 15. She couldn't do anything at all. She was covered in blankets and was totally handicapped. Well, her Mom looked at Miles and it was like she knew the whole situation. A lot of people look at Miles and think he's sleepy. This drives Randy and I absolutely crazy! I'm telling you...The wrong person is going to say something about Miles being sleepy one day and they are going to get an ear full from Randy or I. It's not going to be pretty. I'm already feeling sorry for that person! Miles is not sleepy...That's his personality or lack of. Anyway, this lady knew he was not sleepy.
Before I go on...I want you to understand this lady's heart. She was full of compassion. She wanted to help me. I know she did. Her motives are not questioned here. I just want you to have a good picture of her. She's been doing what I've been doing for 15 years and she wanted to help me and be a comfort to me. She was not any of these things to me but she wanted to be.
As soon as she saw me she began to ask me questions about Miles. She seemed to know what his deal was already, but she just kept asking me questions. Let me remind you that the room was packed. These people were bored so they were all listening to our conversation. I didn't really want to answer all her questions so I would answer her and then turn my body towards Christy in the opposite direction to talk to her. Well, that lady would just ask something else about Miles or ask me if I knew about this program or that program for Miles. It went on and on. She asked me when I started using nurse care. I told her that it was just a week ago. She told me how she waited so long because she thought she could do it all herself, but it got too hard. Now, I had not told her that I knew Miles was going to be healed. I had just told her medical things.
So here's the picture...She now knows all the info about Miles. She knows that I have help from a nurse and then the whole thing changed. The room is still full. She turns to me so seriously and says, "I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. I was in denial for a long time about my daughter. For 11 years I thought she was going to be fine. I thought she was going to walk and do things. I would see it in my dreams and she was fine. So, I know how you feel."
I was shocked! I felt so laid bare in front of all those people. My body physically felt like I had been thrown up against a wall by her words. I said in a quiet voice, "I'm not ready for that" and I started crying right there in the waiting room. I was so embarrassed and upset that I was crying in front of all those people. Her words were too much! She said that it was okay that I wasn't ready to accept it. She said that it took her 11 years. Then, she came over and hugged me. This was as bad as me crying! Oh, my goodness I wanted to crawl in a hole! This kind of behavior is totally unacceptable behavior for me! I was so stunned by it all. I felt like I was on display in front of all these people with my secret fear laid out in the middle of the room. It was horrible!
I turned to Christy and said, "Do you see what I mean about people talking too little or people talking too much?" She did understand.
So, after the appointment I called my friend to tell her just how the appointment went. I asked her, "What am I supposed to do with this? In one realm believing totally that Miles is going to be healed is called faith. In another realm is called denial!" WHICH IS IT? Is it easier to believe that Miles is going to be healed than it is to believe that he isn't? Is it easier to have hope or to be hopeless. I picked the right friend to call yesterday because she is full of truth. She explained to me that the Lord has told me that Miles is going to be healed. She reminded me of Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, that he should lie. He is not a human, that he should change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?" From that scripture most of you can tell that my friend was Francesca. She was saying that she didn't know that lady's situation or belief, but she knew mine. God has not told me that this is the way Miles is going to be. If he had told me that for some reason then I could accept it, but he has not said that to me. God has only told me that he will heal Miles so I'm not in denial.
It's amazing what truth will do! It really does bring freedom! That lady's words tried to attach to me and make me think that I was in denial, but it didn't work. God has told me that Miles will be healed. God is not a man that he would lie. He's not a human that he would change his mind. I cannot think of a time when he has spoken and failed to act. I can't think of a time he has promised and not carried it through. God is who he says he is and he will do what he says he will do.
So, I'm better now. I do have to tell you the other hilarious part of the waiting room! It saved me! It did make me look emotionally unstable, but it was worth it. There was this young mom in there with her daughter who is 2. The grandma was also with them. The little girl had a hurt foot that had to be x-rayed. This Mom was so loud and talked nonstop. She was the only thing that took attention off of my drama which I'm so thankful for. She was outrageous with the things she would talk about! She was shameless with her dysfunction! Everyone was cracking up in the waiting room when she would say outrageous things. I have inherited the inability to control myself from laughing in bad situations. I got this from my Mom. If I find something funny I have to laugh at all cost. If I try to stop it makes it much worse! This was one of those situations! This lady was so loud! She was on the phone a lot of time talking to her Dad I think. She was saying something about her boyfriend was out doing community service (funny), he had already been to Skinny's to fill out an application (funnier), but they don't hire felons (hilarious!). I laughed so hard at this conversation. The older lady next to me was more composed than I, but she was indeed tickled! Christy was laughing as well. Now, I think under normal circumstances she would have been able to control herself, but with me laughing so hard so was also laughing hard. The receptionist even told us that we were having way too much fun. She knew exactly why we were laughing and that made it all funnier. Then the lady started talking about how she just got a NEW probation officer. She explained how they keep trading her off. This was too much! I was laughing shamelessly. Of course I was laughing at her! There was nothing else going on! She could have accused me of laughing at her and I would have to admit openly that I was indeed laughing at her. I would have got away with it to because one minute before that I was crying in front of the whole room. Plus we had just had the whole yucky hug episode. I'm not sure that the Lord himself didn't put that girl in the room just to help me out of the spotlight a bit. Anyway, it was funny! As soon as Christy and I got to the other room we laughed so hard about how everything had played out. We couldn't believe our morning already.