The last couple of days I've been praying for Miles a lot more differently than I have for the last 6 years. I've always prayed for healing. I've always prayed for the miraculous. I've always tried to believe against all the odds that Miles would be healed. The last few days that has not been my prayer. I've been praying that God would heal Miles or that God would take Miles. His body is so tired. Right now he's laying in my lap as I type. He was hurting so bad earlier that I had to give him medicine so he could rest. He's not tolerating food very well. Yesterday we could only give him a few ounces of Pediasure. His button just keeps leaking because his food isn't being digested so it sits in his tummy and won't let anymore go in.
All that to explain how my prayers have been different. I keep picturing Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Today I looked up in the Bible where Jesus is praying in the Garden and the words I read felt so familiar to my spirit.
Jesus Prays in Gethsemane
32 They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” 33 He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. 34 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
35 He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. 36 “Abba, Father,”[h] he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
Don't freak out on me here. I'm not saying that what I'm going through is just like what Jesus was about to go through, but it is about suffering. Jesus knew what he was about to have to endure and it said that Jesus was deeply troubled and distressed. That is how I feel. I've been deeply troubled and distressed! I'm holding Miles and thinking about the very real possibility that he will die soon and I want that "awful hour to pass me by." At the same time I know that unless Jesus heals Miles while still on earth the only thing that will bring peace to Miles's body is death. That's a cup of suffering that I would like God to take away from me. Yet, I want God's will to be done, not mine.
I have to believe that it's not God's will to allow Miles to suffer much longer. What glory could this pain bring to God? As much as I love Miles I have to believe that God loves him infinitely more. My screen is so blurry right now because of the big tears that keep filling up in my eyes.
It's very possible that Miles will keep going. He's been through so much and yet, he's still alive. Not only is he still alive, but he also still manages to have a smile on his face a lot of times. (There's a sermon in there somewhere!)
Please pray that God will have mercy on Miles's body and heal him quickly or quickly allow him to die peacefully. God's will be done, not mine.