Thursday, September 01, 2011


I went to the cemetery again today. When I'm driving there I'm always asking myself why I'm going. Honestly, I feel Miles closer when I'm at the house than I do at the cemetery. But sometimes, the ache inside me is so deep that I have to go physically be near at least a part of him. 
Today I took a water bottle and a rag so I could clean his headstone because last time I was there it looked dusty. (I also cleaned the headstone above his which is Randy's Dads, but it's much older and didn't come as clean.) 

What do I do when I go to Miles's grave?

  • Cry
  • Sometimes I lie down next to him and pretend we're at home together. 
  • Get stickers in my pants
  • Pray and ask God to please help me through this
  • Feel thankful that he wasn't buried in Babyland. I don't know why this matters to me, but it does.
  • I like to bring some kind of trinket
  • Sweat and get bit by ants
  • Try to picture Miles in Heaven instead of in the earth
  • Tell Miles that I love him
  • Think about how bad it sucks that he died
  • Feel empty
  • Usually get a headache
  • Look at a painting of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane
  • Feel guilty for not coming more often and ridiculous for coming at all
Why am I sharing this? Because it's part of it.


Ashlee said...

Thanks for sharing! I know when Timijane died my parents went through a similar thing. It was almost like they had to go at times. On the other hand, I hated going and avoided it at all costs. When I go (even now) it makes me mad, sad, and frustrated...but I think the mementos, trinkets, etc comfort my parents in some way...I think the longing in a parents heart for their child is sooo different from anything really makes you pause and consider how God must feel about His children from whom he is separated.

High in Demand said...

Ashlee, I appreciate you sharing that. Thanks!

Pamelotta said...

Thanks for giving me that glimpse into your process. I never understood the visiting the grave thing probably because I didn't grow up with that and I've never had anyone really close to me that I felt compelled to "visit". My grandmother was the hardest death to take, but I don't feel like visiting her grave. Maybe it's because I have in-laws that feel it's necessary to visit on special occasions and just whenever to chit-chat. I've actually heard them say, "We're going to see Mother. It's been too long since we visited and we need to go see her." Yeah, that's probably it.

Anyway, when I hear it from you, it sounds sweet and endearing. And I know how you feel about the whole thing. I think Miles appreciates it.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

I have the same thoughts when I stop by Christian's grave. Why am I here? HE'S not even here!

Sometimes I pray (always to God), or talk (to Christian, even though I know he isn't there), or I just stand there and remember him... Other times I stop by just to clean the marker-- I keep a hand brush (little sweeper thingy) and a bottle of water in the car for this. And I always get bit by stupid fireants. *sigh*

Grief doesn't make sense, nor does it have to. Just take it one day and moment at a time. God will walk through it with you! Praying for you today.

Fiver said...

We are as He has made us.

I think anything you do to try and make sense of it all is good for you. You will get through this but I don't think that you will ever stop carrying around a tiny "shard" of it in your heart.

Praying for you and lifting you up