Wednesday, September 28, 2011

It's almost his birthday.

Next Wednesday would be Miles's birthday. He would turn 7.

I've thought that no less than 30 times today and yesterday and Saturday.

The thought of him not being here to celebrate his life takes my own breath away.

How am I going to get through that day?

We won't be able to give him Cotton Candy, which is the only thing we could give him because it would just dissolve on his tongue. He won't be here to take to the zoo. I usually used his birthday money from his aunt and uncle to buy a yearly zoo pass and then we would take him to the zoo. He loved being pushed around in his wheelchair outside. He won't be here to get all these kisses and hugs we have stored up for him.

It's not getting easier to be without him.

Is it possible that it's getting harder?

I'm walking around and going about my day, but it feels like my heart is aching with such intensity that I'm surprised other people can't feel it. It's so strong in me that it seems like it should be contagious.

How is it possible that all the days I have left on earth will be without that sweet face to kiss? It will be without his perfect curly hair and his innocent spirit.


Ashlee said...

That picture took my breathe away. I know from my own experience, time brings healing and perspective but it doesn't mean that you miss him or love him less. I remember coming to the hospital to see Miles when he was a new baby. I'm glad I was there...what a precious gift he was! 7 years later I pray for God's peace and love to sustain you. There is healing in His wings.

High in Demand said...

Thank you Ashlee. I'm glad you were there too.

Fiver said...

Read this post to Jere . . .

(conversation heard later)

Isabel- "Can Miles have his birthday in Heaven "
Jack - "of course he can. It's heaven!!"
Isabel- "will Jesus be there and Moses and Papa?"
Jack- "hmmmm yea I guess so since Miles can walk and talk now I'm sure he's made friends."
Isabel- "I'd be friends with Jesus and Miles and eat lots and lots of ice cream!"
Jack- "everybody in heaven Is Miles' friend and they all get ice cream on his birthday."
Isabel- "woohoo happy birthday Heaven Miles!"

I know it's not that simple but at times like this I can only focus on the simple little things.

Like Miles and ice cream
Heavenly Miles
Miles walking and talking
Miles being with Jesus every minute
Miles being surrounded by heavenly love

I don't know your pain but it yours rightfully and you can feel how you want and I will respect you and this long, painful, and hard process of your healing.

I am here and love you and your beautiful family.



MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

I love Nicole's comment.

Praying for you. I do hope you will still do something as a family to celebrate Mile's birthday. Oh Brandi, I know it will be incredibly hard... but I pray that God will give you joy as you remember birthdays past... God chose YOU to be Miles' mommy. What a gift indeed!

High in Demand said...

Thank you Marsha!

Nicole, I LOVE your kids as much as my own! They are beautiful on the inside and out!

P.S. Spencer and Jackson need a "man date" soon. : )