Monday, June 12, 2006

Just so you know...

For those that were there last night I must tell you that I am not as disapointed as I may have seemed. I honestly went there last night thinking that anything in the whole world could happen.
Since I wrote last time that Miles healing could be compared to an expectant "water breaking" before a birth I would say that last night with Alan was like going to the hospital with contractions 3 minutes apart and then the labor stopping. It's a little heart breaking and the adrenaline is pumping, but it's not devastating because I know it's still going to happen. It just wasn't last night. I remember comforting myself when I was pregnant towards the end with the knowledge that I wasn't going to be pregnant forever. It was impossible. I feel the same way about Miles healing. It's impossible that he will be this way forever. The Lord has birthed something in me so real that you cannot tell me it's untrue.

So, you may ask why all the crying last night. I tell you, I needed that release! I've been here at this house with such hope and anticipation that I can't sleep. Yesterday after Brian's sermon I couldn't think of anything else besides my desert being over very soon. I had the whole excitment of Alan V. being there and since him and Jesus are "Besties" I had every reason to believe that it could have happened last night. Hey, I took my camera with me. Brian is always talking about having high expectations and I did. If bringing your camera to church to catch the action isn't faith then I don't know what is! Anyway, I needed a good cry! It felt great.

Also, I remember another reason I was crying. Being there last night I was again reminded about how much everyone loves my family and how they carry the burden along side of me. I didn't know everyone was around me while Alan was praying until it was all over. I looked up and everyone was there with broken and expectant hearts just like me. It's a feeling that I can't explain to you. The world doesn't know the feeling of being of one accord with so many people. I know that Miles is not my own. I share him with so many other people. If I could bottle the feeling that I felt/feel then I could sell Love. It's an amazing and unfamilar feeling to have with so many people all at once. Anyway, as I sat down I don't know why but I felt Pam's heart for me and I broke. It was all too much. I don't know why it was Pam, but I could just see her face in my head and it made me cry. We're all in this together. We will all take part in the celebration. We will all be forever changed.

Honestly, here's how I think it's going to go down. I'm not saying it has to go this way. I'm open for the Lord to do whatever his plan is, but this plan is just off beat enough to be from the Lord. I really think that I will walk in Miles room one day and he will be up and playing with stuff in his room. I don't think anyone will lay hands on him. I don't think it will be a special day. I just think that the Lord will flip the switch in Miles and he will be perfectly whole and he will be doing everything he should be doing at his age. No one will get credit for praying for him. Randy and I will not be patted on the back for fasting and praying day and night for him. God will only be the one that is glorified!

One thing I kept finding myself saying yesterday afternoon and last night was, "I will not trust in chariots." Do you remember that song...and verse where it says, "Some men trust in horses. Some men trust in chariots but I will trust in the name of the Lord." I don't want chariots, men or me to get any credit for healing Miles. I only want the Lord to be glorified forever for healing Miles so wonderfully and complete.

Yesterday afternoon I was praying and telling the Lord if he was ready to heal Miles that night that he knew I was ready. I also asked him if it wasn't in his perfect timing to heal Miles then I would love to have some encouragment or word to keep me going. Well, the Lord was faithful! Here's what Alan said after he prayed for Miles: He said that Miles was going to be okay. He said he could feel it in his spirit and in his bones. He said that Miles' healing would be miraculous. He prayed that Miles would catch up quickly and do the things that other kids his age are doing.
Those were the words of encouragment that I was looking for. That's what I've been saying already. I loved that he said that he was going to be okay. That word okay might not seem great to you but it's been the same word over and over to me from the beginning. He's going to be okay. I also got a word from Tina and she said that she felt like the Lord was making her tell me that I was going to recieve my miracle. Cole told me that he kept hearing that Hope does not despair. (That word HOPE is another word that has been spoken to me over and over.)
Before all those words I was sitting there with my head on the chair and pouring out all my heart and emotions to the Lord when I felt like he was telling me that this was the last time I was going to cry for Miles' healing. After I heard that, Patty Clark said that she heard, "It is finished."
Anyway, all that to say that even if it didn't look like it, I left there feeling more encouraged and excited than ever.

To go along with Alan's teaching last night I feel like with this situation I have experienced the death of Jesus with the first year of Miles' life, and I experienced the true resurrection of Jesus when he healed my heart. I was not and am not the same person that I was before my death. The Lord changed me and healed me in such a complete way that I don't even feel or process things in the same way. As I see it I'm now ready to experience Pentecost. I'm ready to experiece his power first hand and I will never be the same. No one around me will ever be the same. The Lord is about to birth something out of me that will change me forever and all those I know and will know. I'm already saying that every birth pain I have felt during this time is worth it. I know the Lord's plan is great and perfect. I'm glad that he chose Randy and I for this promotion. You know, something that Krissy told me a long time ago has stuck with me. She told me that the people in the Bible didn't get in the Bible for having an easy life. The ones with a easy life didn't make it in there. The "good stuff" is in the Bible. I'm glad to be a part of the "good stuff".
Bring it on Lord! I'm ready for Pentecost!

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