Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Throwing A Fit

I did something today that I really didn’t want to do.

Maybe people do things they really don’t want to do all the time, but I feel like I have to do those kinds of things more than others. That could be my self-centeredness talking, but I do feel that.

I go to the dentist even when I don’t want to. I get up and take the kids to school even when I don’t want to. I clean house…well, sometimes I don’t do that when I don’t want to.

Those are not the kinds of things that I’m talking about today.

Today I had to take Miles to a wound care specialist at the hospital.

I really didn’t want to do that.

In September Miles was at the hospital here in town because of pneumonia, dehydration and to get ready for his g-tube surgery. After days of lying on the bed without being able to move he started to get a red spot on his bottom. As the days went by the spot started getting even redder. One of the nurses called wound care to come and give me some cream for the sore.

We left the hospital with the cream to put on the sore. Miles and I were at home for two days then he had surgery for his g-tube and was in the hospital for almost another week. (not a lot of moving going on there) Then we came home and Miles was in terrible pain for about a week and a half. Crying Pain. (not a lot of moving going on there) The cream was applied and we moved him around. We put him in many positions. We watched the spot. Unfortunately we watched the spot get bigger and worse. The pain from his surgery stopped and he got an infection under his stitches. (not a lot of moving going on) After a week we got the infection gone and then the pneumonia was back. (picture me cussing and yelling and Miles not moving a lot.)

I took him to the doctor yesterday because Miles was so sick. I carted the suction machine with me when I went to the dentist. The poor people that worked in the dentist’ office thought he was going to die or something. It was horrible! Dr. Wiley was going to put him back in the hospital yesterday but he decided to try two shots and give him until this morning to get better. Also, he wanted us to go see wound care so his sore could be treated.

The sore on his bottom is terrible. He also has two sores on his ankles. It’s from where his foot hits on the wheelchair. For awhile we thought it was from his shoes so we quit putting his shoes on. Of course this didn’t help because it was actually the wheelchair in the first place. (my frustration continues)

So today was Miles’ appointment with the wound care specialist. I was dreading the appointment. I felt like I was going to be condemned for Miles having sores. When I think of people having sores like his I assume that they aren’t being taken care of properly. I was afraid that the people there would think that I didn’t take good care of Miles and that’s why he had the sores. I kept praying that the “truth” would be known today, and as I was praying that I felt better because I know the truth, and the truth is that I take great care of Miles. I know that I don’t leave him in one place all day long. I know that I’ve been treating that terrible sore for over a month now and it just hasn’t been getting better. I know that I’ve done everything to help him, but he takes forever to heal and his poor circulation and poor health lately has made the sore get worse instead of better. Even though I knew the truth I was still being tormented about the appointment. I felt very overwhelmed by it.

I didn’t want to go, but I made myself go.

The wound care specialist ended up being very nice. The doctor that helped me today had such a kind spirit. He was very peaceful. His name is Dr. Estes. They treated the sores. They took pictures of them to tract his progress. That made me feel terrible. She also gave me some ideas on how to pad his wheelchair feet plates. Then she was trying to give me some instructions on how to position him.

This is the time that I got teary eyed. I was talking to her and the doctor and I became so frustrated and overwhelmed. It seems that every position has its downfalls. He’s so limited in ways he can be positioned. I’ve tried so many things, but nothing is perfect. I explained to them all the things that I’ve tried and why this, this and this won’t work, and they just looked at me helpless and didn’t have any ideas. I have to go back on Friday for them to recheck him and redo the healing regiment.

When is this all going to stop? When am I going to have a normal day? When am I going to just call a friend for lunch instead of crying my head off? When?

3 comments:

Cyndi said...

my heart goes out to you in your day of "throwing a fit"... I speak peace over your mind will and emotions. I say in Jesus name your mind, will and emotions will line up with the word of God. Brandi, God has you in his hands. You lay Miles down every night into the Lords healing wings...

CALL ME MCKEE said...

WOW ALL I CAN SAY IS IM SORRY BRANDI THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. BUT KNOW THIS, GOD HAS TRUSTED YOU WITH MILES.
THEREFORE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO WHAT MILES NEEDS ON A DAILY BASES.
AGAIN IM SORRY. MY HEART ACHES FOR YOU.
PEACE I PRAY OVER YOU THIS DAY.

Jennifer said...

My heart aches for you. I just want to gather you up in my lap, lay your head against my shoulder, and stroke your head and just whisper to you, "It's going to be allright." over and over.

But I don't do that because, mainly, it'd be kind of awkward.

But I do love you extravagantly.