May 6, 2007
Today was a rough day at church. It was just hard to be there. It seemed like Randy and I were the only ones not totally into the sermon. We seemed to be the only ones with a bad attitude. I couldn’t hear a word spoken.
This has happened to me before. To best understand what I’m going through I can only describe by saying that I feel like a wounded soldier. It’s been a long battle of fighting the fight of faith, waiting and longing so long that I’m tired and this foreign place feels more like home than my real home.
I went through a really long span of feeling good about Miles and the Lord. For some reason I can’t have a hard time about Miles without bringing up the fact that I’ve previously been okay about Miles. I think it’s my insecurities about not being perfectly and emotionally balanced. Whatever. So, anyway, like I said I had a really good run going where I wasn’t consumed about Miles’ healing. As a matter of fact last weekend Miles was put into the hospital because he wouldn’t eat or drink when he got really sick so he was admitted into the hospital so they could hydrate him. I didn’t call anyone and ask them to pray. I didn’t call everyone on our list to let them know that we were in the hospital. I didn’t shed any tears. The kids were eating a snack when I went into the kitchen and very matter of factly told them not to be worried but I was taking Miles to the hospital and I would be back that night or the next day. I told them that I would see them later. I was told how brave I was for not freaking out about Miles. When I heard that I felt proud for a minute, but then later when I thought about how I reacted to Miles being put in the hospital disturbed me a bit. I had no emotion at all with it. It felt so normal…so routine for me. I knew he would be fine. I didn’t care for any attention. I didn’t feel like Miles going to the hospital was any big deal. The day we came back home Randy and I wanted to go out on a short date so he was going to call his Mom to watch our kids for a couple of hours so we could go out. I began to think…Oh my goodness I didn’t even tell her that her grandson was in the hospital. Surely I need to tell her before she asks me why all the IV bandages are on him.
Has this place of Hypoxemic ischemic encephalopathy become too normal? Have the world of wheelchairs, therapy sessions, nurse care, and analyzing every behavior become home?
I found out today that it has for Randy. (This is really what I began this writing for) We were laying down in bed when he “breaks the news to me”. He told me that he has got to the place where he has settled in his mind that Miles will never be healed.
*These next words may sound harsh but there wasn’t any emotion to them. This conversation was very strange. If you were a fly on the wall you might have thought that someone had shot us with a tranquilizer gun.*
Anyway, he told me that he knew that Miles would never get any better. I told him to shut that crap up. He told me that he felt like God told him that he was not going to heal Miles. I told Randy that God didn’t tell him that, and he was not to ever speak that stuff to me again. He asked me why I believe that God is going to heal Miles and I told him I just did. He explained that it was easier on “his side”. I explained that I understood that it was frustrating on “my side”, but at least I have hope. He told me that the only thing that is hard for him still is the fact that I have such a hard time about Miles. He also told me again that Miles was not going to be healed. I finished it off by telling that I didn’t want him to say that to me again, and that I wasn’t in agreement with him at all.
Then we both snuggled up to take a nap. Very sweetly he told me that he loves me, and very sweetly I told him that I love him then we drifted to sleep after he rested his hand on my back.
That was the strangest disagreement that we’ve ever had. We were both passionate about our stance, but we didn’t yell or scream to get our way. There was nothing to forgive. There was no talking anything out. We left the conversation far from agreement, but not in sin.
There are very few things that I dislike more than not being in agreement with my husband. We have such an amazing relationship that we’re usually always on the same page about things. This is a HUGE subject to not be in agreement about. This is our son that we made together. This is his life we’re talking about, and we are a house divided on his future.
Who is right? *Rhetorical Question*
He’s saying, “Show me the money”. If you didn’t see the movie…who are you? Just kidding. He’s saying if God is going to heal Miles then why hasn’t he? Therefore since he hasn’t he’s not going to.
I’m saying, “He has to.” My God is a healer. The God I love and serve heals the blind, sets free the captives, he raises the dead.
Is Randy faithless or is he realistic?
Am I full of faith or am I in denial?
IF I am full of faith then how is it that I can have a hard time about the fact that Miles isn’t doing all the developmental things that he should be doing? Why can’t I stand firm that he will be healed, just take care of him in the mean time while I wait for him to be healed? Is it because I’m double minded? Is it because I get beat up sometimes about the things I have to deal with? Is it because like I said before…I’m wounded from such a long battle?
Anyway, I’m sure this sounds like a mess. It is. I’m planning on calling Erica tomorrow to set me up with someone to talk to. I’ve got issues that I want settled before the BFW. I hate the thought of it all hitting me there. My spirit needs to be settled.