Wednesday, May 02, 2007

My Conversation With My God.

Me: (crying in bed) God, you need to do something. It’s been too long. Just do it. I want to hear Christy running in here screaming with Miles running behind her.

God: What about my timing?

Me: I know I’ve cared about that in the past, but today I’m not sure that I care. Just do it. I’m tired. I’m ready for all this to be over with.

God:

Me: You know Carson was walking today. Carson, who I think is a baby is now walking! Miles is not walking. When is Miles going to walk? Is Miles going to walk? Come on God, have mercy on me. Heal, restore, make the manifestations of Miles healing come today…what ever in the world I need you to do JUST DO IT. Will it ever happen?

God: All things are possible.

Me: I KNOW THAT! Don’t tell me that! Do that! Make the impossible happen! Let me see it, let me taste it.

God: What are you laying on right now? Did I not do this?

Me: Of course you did, but I’m not talking about that right now. You know, at church a couple of weeks ago it all hit me so suddenly. One minute I was worshipping you then I saw that I needed to feed Miles a bottle. I sat down, got the bottle out of his bag, fought with him to take his bottle then sat there forever feeding him until worship was over.

God: You were still worshipping me when you were sitting there feeding him a bottle. You were full of love for my boy, and you were full of love for me.

Me: You know my thoughts were not full of love. I was sitting there then all the sudden I thought, “Oh my gosh. I did not plan for this. I did not plan on Miles being two and a half, sitting beside me at church in a wheelchair and me feeding him a bottle. I did not plan on this.
I felt so trapped.
Just like the other day when I was shopping at Dillards and I recognized that woman. I recognized her as being a Mom I met somewhere that has a handicap child. That’s the category I put her in. She was a pleasant looking woman that gave me a small smile. I felt so trapped when I saw her. I felt like she put me in the same category that I had put her in. I was the woman with a handicap child. Oh Lord, you know I don’t want that! I want to be the woman that is known for having that son that the Lord raised from the dead, and who got to see your power first hand. I want to be the woman who knows without a shadow of a doubt that her God is a healer.
I feel so trapped in this position. There isn’t anything that I can do to heal my son.

God: Are you trapped?

Me: I feel trapped.
God: Are you trapped?

Me: Kind of. I mean I can’t do anything about making him better.

My Conversation With The Lord. May 2, 2007


God: You’ve made the choice to have a good attitude.

Me: Yeah, like that’s a hard choice. What’s my option? I could be bitter and cry all day.

God: Lots of people make that choice.

Me: I don’t want to do that.

God: Good.

Me: So, what’s the plan?

God:

Me: I’m in a strange place. Some call it denial. Some call it faith. Even today I told Christy that when she talks to the Diapers to the Door place that she couldn’t tell them that Miles would never be potty trained. I told her to say, “It would have to be a miracle.” I just didn’t have peace about declaring that he would never be potty trained. I wonder if she thought I was being ridiculous or if she understood.
I feel like I’m always in two worlds. In the natural I have to meet the needs of the child you have given me. His natural needs require a lot of medical intervention. His natural needs make me have to make decisions about things of the future that is unknown for Miles.

God: Have I failed you yet about making those decisions?

Me: No, and I thank you for that. You have been very faithful to answer my questions about Miles’ care. So, why don’t you go ahead and give me your plans for healing Miles?

God: For I know the plans I have for you. I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you. I have plans to give you hope and a future.

Me: Thank you Lord. I’m sorry that I feel upset some times. I wish I didn’t feel so hopeless about my future. Why don’t you just tell me my future and Miles’ future and I will be able to endure all of this.

God: What does my Word tell you?

Me: Matthew 8:3 that you are willing.

God: Yes.

Me: BUT WHEN?

God:

Me: Okay, well, what do I do today? How do I keep going today?
God: Remember that I Am Good.

Me: Okay. You are good. I will choose to trust you. Will you please be close to me today? Will you please make Miles comfortable today? Will you please make him eat so he won’t have to go back into the hospital? Will you please stop my heart from hurting again?

God: My pleasure.

5 comments:

Francesca said...

I am so sorry you had a bad day. I am glad you talked to God about it. I am praying for you.

Tangerinetinselbreeze said...

Does it help or hurt to know that I walk that line too? When I see you and Miles, I too go back and forth between acceptance and denial, falth and desire for the miraculous. You are beautiful and I am sorry it hurts so much to be you some days. I hurt for you. I am praying for you and Miles both. I am also praying that I will be able to believe without reservation and my part in the atmosphere of Miracles will be what takes it over the threshold to see Miles restored. I pray for that kind of Faith. Lord, let me have that kind of Faith.

High in Demand said...

Thanks girls. You know, it doesn't hurt every day like it used to. Just some days it hurts like crazy. Unexpected and some expected things trigger it off. Today it happened to be Krissy's baby Carson walking that pushed me over the edge.
I hate that it hurts.
I hate that I am even bothered.
I hate that Miles is stil not walking.
I do love my Milzee Boy passionatly.
I also love my God passionatly.
He's so good and faithful to me.
So is your friendship.

ericaprosser said...

Again- you are quite amazing.

Carolyn said...

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Eph.3:20-21
Brandi, God did do that-He raised your sweet boy from the dead!!!! He saved you from the pain of losing a child, and He knows what that feels like, so He wanted to spare you from that kind of pain. Miles is a blessing to so many....think about that when you get down about him not being healed yet. He's here for you and so many to love-that could have been different. Praying without ceasing.....Carolyn