Tuesday, February 27, 2007

No Good Title

I’ve never felt this one before.

I was putting on my make-up and trying to get to a place of peace with the Lord. I asked him, “Where are you.” I’ve been upset about Sunday. Wounded is a better word than upset. Anyway, I haven’t felt comforted by the Lord. I haven’t felt rebuked by the Lord. I haven’t felt compassion from the Lord. I’ve felt nothing. As I was sitting there doing my make-up I was trying to figure out what this familiar yet unfamiliar feeling I was having towards the Lord. Then it hit me.
I feel like I need to FORGIVE the Lord for not restoring Miles Sunday night.
When there are people in my life that I need to forgive I have a heaviness on my heart that I know I need to release. This is fairly easy for me to do. Once I release that person then the heaviness is gone. Anyway, when I recognized this heaviness as the forgiveness heaviness I was a little shocked!
Is feeling like I need to forgive God for not restoring Miles blasphemy?
I feel so hurt and disappointed in my God for Miles not walking out of church on Sunday evening. Right now as I write this I have a physical pulsing pain in my chest. It’s pulsing in brokenness.
Can I say, “Lord, I forgive you for not restoring Miles yet”? Is that right on any level? I have no idea. I’ve never felt like this before.

6 comments:

Monica said...

Brandi,
My heart hurts for you and I cannot pretend to understand all the feelings you must have. I read and re-read your post and typed and erased. I prayed. I do not want to give you empty words or platitudes to try to make you feel better but I really wanted to respond. I feel like in putting your disappointment in your God you are separating yourself from the very One you need the most! In saying you need to forgive God implies He is not good in some way. The enemy stole from you and he wants you to blame God then and now. Brandi do not agree with the liar and give him a foothold. Fear the Lord and He will draw near to you. The enemy is a schemer and will kick you when you're down but your God will never leave you or forsake you! In Psalm 13 David expresses his frustration and asks God "When?" but he concludes the psalm with statements of trust in God. I do not know why Miles did not walk on Sunday, but that does not change God's nature. I pray you will be protected from the weapons of the enemy and will abide in the wings and protection of the Almighty! I pray God will fill you with His peace that surpasses all understanding and circumstances. I love you and my burden to pray for you, your family and Miles' restoration is greater than ever, I truly feel like there was a shift and new awareness and unity that was created there. It was an atmosphere of faith and we must continue to believe in what we do not yet see. That is the faith God calls us to in His word.

A-lauf said...

by definition "restoration" is a process. A better word for what you are asking God for is a Miracle. Miles is Being Restored little by little. What you are feeling I don't believe is "at God or towards God" it is simply the Fight of Faith. The fight of faith is the time between when we ask God for something and the actual manifestation of that something. The Word never said that anything we ask in his name will be done instantly. That is the sole purpose for faith. Believing something you can't see. In this, case the restoration of your son.

High in Demand said...

I understand the good of process, but right now I feel like a little kid that is tired of waiting and I want to lay on the floor and kick and scream until I get my way!

Francesca said...

If you did lay on the floor and kick and scream, God could handle it. But other than releasing frustration it wouldn't help. I encourage you to focus that energy into the fight. I love you so much and mine and Billy's heart is with your family. I pray that you continue to just keep telling God how you feel. He would rather hear your frustations then not hear from you at all. He is still good and when Miles is fully restored God and God alone will get all the glory. And you will be rewarded for your faith and the ability to rise above your circumstances. We are still praying. We won't stop!

Tangerine Tinselbreeze said...

I love you, from afar. He loves you intimately. Praying and waiting with you. Can I ditto Monica's blog?

Ashlee said...

Brandi,

I wrote a a paper a few years back about faith and suffering and I remember how difficult it was. I thought about my sister dying and it was so hard. I knew and believed that the enemy had stolen her life and yet because I believe in miracles I was so disappointed and hurt that God had not intervened in some way. I believe at some point I was counseled to "forgive" God for my disappointment and hurt. Haven't you ever had to forgive someone who really didn't do anything wrong? I know I have. Sometimes we have to forgive people for not meeting our expectations...just to release them (and us) from the hardness we feel. I don't think that is blasphemy or a mistake and honestly I think it may give you the freedom to trust God to heal Miles in His timing (To keep fighting the fight..) God knows your hurt and disappointment...it is His hurt as well. He knows of your frustration towards Him. I honestly think forgiving Him would probably be very freeing. You are releasing Him to be the Lord and agreeing that you will wait for His timing and plan. (Basically -- you can be the Lord even when you are not following my plan) It is really hard when we are believing that God is going to fulfill a promise or has been leading you through a process and then the result is very disappointing...but we have to release that God is God and ask Him what he wants us to do next.